Blue Haze

Just sitting in a blue funk haze and wishing that I could always make all pain in my children go away.  Knowing that is not possible but I still wish I could.  Our oldest son has such health issues and I wish I could make it go away.  Wish I could take it on myself.  Wishing.  Wishing.  Wishing is useless thinking.  I need to set a deadline on this sadness and get up, no get down, on my knees and fervently pray...Open up my scriptures and search for those words that are so comforting and real...Remind myself that ALL pain is covered by the Atonement and I'm no exception, with my desire that my son suddenly be well and the pain I feel for him, no matter how hard it is...is still covered by the Atonement.

 Perhaps the things of the last few months, with Terry's stroke, were my maximum load and carelessly I haven't put in the time on soul-saving behavior with adequate study (not just reading)?  When Kipper was really suffering and struggling, I absorbed it in so wanting to help?   Maybe it's starting yet another diet of sorts? 

This much I know...My azure mood is of my choosing.   I maintain it by not paying my dues and knuckling under and doing the prescribed spiritual program while facing adversity in mortality.

When my daughter was a toddler baby and was sick with a fever, her only comfort, that night, was me rocking her.  Truly, as all Mom's with sick babies, she looked so beautiful and innocent and her little lips were ruby red and her fevered cheeks were flush with pink.  I sat there so filled with love of her and just couldn't get enough of her as I smoothed her hair back and showered her with kisses.  I so wanted to take that pain from her.  I prayed, fervently, pleading with the Lord to let me be sick and let her be well.  I longed to take that pain and free her.

When Terry was in inpatient rehab, he had several days of intense pain and IV's and constant sickness.  He was so brave and fought through it.  I knew I couldn't take that pain on but I found myself so emotionally involved that it was like I absorbed what he was feeling.  I was uptight.  so tense and couldn't relax.  couldn't rest.

Then I remembered what I learned that night with Jeanee about the Atonement.  The desire I had to take that pain was what the Savior did for us.  I couldn't do it but He has that power to do that.

I knew with Terry that I had to calm down and pray for him as he went through what only he could do for himself.  I could help more by staying focused on comforting and praying etc.

This sort of exhaustive trial is just a part of earth-life and I need to step up to the plate by putting a time limit on my fussiness, whimpering, whining and just get back into the throes of what is normal living for me.

Deadline---Thursday at 10am.  All ducks lined up.  A good amount of soul-searching.  Lots of prayers and study.  Figure out a quick Temple trip.  Maybe one more Priesthood blessing?

I love and appreciate knowing there is always hope and always help from the Gospel and the Savior and that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and I will yet again feel the Holy Ghost the way i like to and be happy again!