Decided to blog a bit. All cozy in my old bathrobe and winter socks.
It is winter here and I love it. As mentioned before...I live in a place that has four very distinct seasons and I enjoy each one. All last, just long enough, to give you a great taste of the glory of each. Right now we have ice and snow and cold and that just makes for total gratitude, to be snug as a bug in a rug, with that woodstove feeling of comfort/warmth/security. Cold brings out the hominess in me and also soup-making and bread-baking tendencies. Comfort foods!
Today is the 3rd day of the New Year and for me I really am going to rev up my life. My life has changed so much with the happenings in it and yet I see that I just keep on trying to make my old way of doing things work. I'm forcing things to stay the same, when the reality is...my life is not the same. One of my creed points...nothing changes if nothing changes. Time for change!
I've given this a lot of thought and realize that I'm the one that is the strong one, right now, in our dynamic duo. another creed point...If it's to be, it's up to me. & If not me who? If not now when?
Challenges with hubby's health (Vestibular & stroke recovery), sister's health (Interstitial), 2 sons and their health (1 diabetic & 1 weight challenged) and I may as well throw my own little pudge-pot self in the mix! So figuring out how to stay alert, when I kick into full-blown co-dependency (in wanting to take care of and relieve all of the challenges of all those I love) that are technically theirs to master, but in that desire perhaps eating myself into a chocolate coma...Feeling that self-abuse will make their world better!
Before I get into food stuff, I must digress and share why I decided to just take charge and live for joy and gratitude and all that sort of emotion that makes for a scrumptious life sans a lot of just eating chocolate as my go to solution.
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Years and years ago. Maybe 22 years ago? I learned a lesson (but it's not fully kicked in, as being a foundation block, for my own personal life until this year). All those years ago, one of our children was in a situation and an action-consequence was going to come down. It appeared it would be harsh, as the powers that be, wanted him to be used as an example. We were told that fact by the prosecutor. No amount of logic or persuasion or facts impacted anyone in charge.
I was beside myself with anguish. fearing the worst! All friends were telling me that nothing was going to happen to this remarkable young man. It is nothing/he will be fine/don't worry and all those sort of platitudes- did not impact me or comfort me. I got lots of Priesthood blessings. Visited with lots of friends. Prayed until no words would come. Constantly seeking peace and yet I would wake up sobbing in the middle of the night in addition to crying all day, knowing all was doomed, dreams would be dashed and it just tore my heart out.
I felt I had faith but I tried and couldn't get on the page with everyone else in how they just seemed to know this was going to end up just fine. I could not find peace. Even with all I was doing and reading and fasting, and everything one does, when panicky and seeking relief and help and hope and that promised peace...no matter what I did! I can deal with peace, as an answer, even when I don't know the outcome of any situation. Peace lets me know that all will end up okay even though I don't see how it can come about. I was grasping and there was no brass ring!
One day a friend and I drove to the closest Temple, the Bellevue one. I told her I was going to go to seek peace and ask for faith. On the way over we talked and she admitted that she was surprised at my lack of faith in this calamity in our life. I acknowledged that I was also. I just couldn't seem to latch on to it and hold on, in that way that feels familiar. Faith and Peace would not stay with me. Why couldn't I feel like my friends and even my own hubby!
True, the Temple felt wonderful and I fervently prayed for some relief but by the time we got back home?...I'd already lost it.
We all know the wheels of judgement grind exceedingly slow and time just drug on and I just kept on thrashing about, unsuccessfully, for what I needed most. Did I mention that I was also repenting for my lack of faith? Boy, did I ever do that! Praying I could feel confident like everyone else. Starving for peace.
Came the day of judgment and guess what folks? I was right! Everyone else was wrong!! Full penalty enforced!
All of those that had encouraged me all those months were aghast and could not believe what happened in sentencing! The friend I had gone to the Temple with was shocked out of her socks! I told her what I had learned was...I was the only one that was right but I did not listen to the Holy Ghost. I listened to everyone else.
2 Nephi 4:34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
Moral of story: I'm still learning from that lesson. IF I'd accepted those feelings I had, even though contrary and contradictory with everyone else's feelings.... and IF I'd prayed for how to deal with this coming reality and how to help my son to hope for the best and prepare for the worse....Then I do believe that I would have felt peace and had faith throughout the entire scenario. The life scene was in motion and would have happened whether I was sobbing or felt peace BUT I could have increased my faith and spiritual reliance and felt peace IF I'd trusted my feelings instead of repenting of them!! And I'm sure I would have received some personal revelation on all sorts of levels.
I lived through this situation and thought I'd learned from it but now I realize, there is still more for me to learn, and 2016 is the year to make those changes. I'm sort of doing it again...listening to what others say...seeing what they do...feeling I need to follow...reading what I need to do...feeling inadequate...sensing time is running out etc. etc. Most important!-- not really seeking the guidance, that as a baptized member endowed with the Holy Ghost (He will reveal ALL things to me for my life actions). Listening and heeding those personal promptings will bring me increased faith and peace and ultimately joy!...That will be my 2016 route. Mortality is a bumpy ride but joy in the journey is what I want!!
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( A PS- our son ended up having to let go of some of his plans but just forged ahead, accepting/owning what he was dealt -for a very careless choice of action that brought no harm to anyone- but had a gigantic consequence attached to it for him and also all of us. He has a great life and is very successful. We had some miracles occur in the midst of all of this but that is a story for another time. okay?)
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