Less than LDS

As you know we adopted two of our 5 children.  Terry and I vowed to each other that we would love our first new little adopted son with all of our hearts and felt sort of sad thinking he would never know real parental love like our first 3 children had.  What a marvelous surprise to feel exactly the same as we did about our 3 naturally born children!  It was a wonderful shocking surprising experience.

Perhaps it's the generational thing, but with the feelings I had, I had no interest in ever meeting any of the birth parents.  To bring in someone to claim a stake in one of my first 3 children would have been foreign and unwelcome and I felt that exact same way about my adopted baby boys.

These baby boys are now 44 and 40!!

Nowadays adoptions are open.  I'm thinking a person would have to be way younger than me and way more open minded and way more willing to reach terms of how much involvement there will be.  I don't think I'm capable.  For me it was simple on our adoptions.  The paper is signed.  Thank you.  Good-bye.

Is this akin to me being in some confessional booth?  Why do I feel to just share my all??  I just do.  that's all.  I just do.

So anyhow, over this long period of time, things were hunky-dory until about 20+ years ago and then the birth parents and spouses of birth parents and children of birth parents all started bubbling up and entering my life.  A part of my life that is so incredibly important to me.  Mothering.  being Mom.  That is my domain and I learned I'm possessive and in many ways so much less than LDS.

I've met these people.  they are good to the boys.  they love them.  they have tried to reach out to me.  I was cordial/cool/standoffish and exuded no warm fuzzies.  Not even a single bit.   Oh, did I mention jealousy?  (That should be spelled in green with monster yellow eyes!) 

So it's one of those, to me at least, french-braid moments of personal complication in my life.  Just like the braid...dibs and dabs of stuff that when all put together make for a good sized elephant always propped in the corner and me just moving it from one place to the other.

So rather than move the elephant again, I decided to grab the bull by the horns, and face my feelings!
Ouch!!  Not pleasant!  not nice!  I just felt so strongly that I need to make some sort of amends and deal with this in the way of writing a note, expressing briefly (and yes, I can be brief.  well, at times!)

I just decided to write a heartfelt note and express feelings of regret for any hurt or pain that I'd inflicted on them.  I wrote to the one BirthMother and one spouse of a deceased BirthFather and I couldn't even find an email address or anything for the other BirthMom.  The other BirthFather?...no clues about him.  He has never been a part of any equation.

I was caught off guard with how extremely selfish and possessive I found myself to be in regard to wanting exclusivity with my children. I realize they are not possessions! 

That was a part of what I wrote in one note.

Rather long story short...I apologized.  Asked to be forgiven for hurt I'd inflicted on them.  sent the two off and heard back from the spouse of the BirthFather that died.   She was gracious and wonderful and kind.  we will talk as she wondered how I did with all of these people entering into my life.  Uh, not very good!   She, like her husband, had no idea about the fact he had a son!  Can you imagine dealing with that bit of information?  out of the blue???  Wow!

I'll share more later.  What I wanted to say is...sometimes we just have to really check out our heart and see if it's luminous, with a heavenly glow sparked by the Holy Ghost, or little puff clouds of darkness that make things hazy and sometimes even speckles of black.  I asked for forgiveness from them so I can forgive myself and take full advantage of the marvelous healing power of the Atonement.  

I felt incredibly good with just the small amount of reaching out and apologizing I did.  I love the cleansing found in the gift of the Atonement!!

this is one of the women I wrote to.  My children are nicer than their Mother...Jeanee wrote on this picture...

Love you! Thanks for being our family. xoxo  

I do say though that she is a wonderful woman and she would like us to be friends.  I look forward to us sharing our two stories, with each other, as to how our lives have intersected.  She thinks we could do a book!  I think being friends sounds nice.  Not a book.

Isn't my daughter gorgeous?  I birthed an angel!!!!!