Moving ahead from less to more...

I am gaining such peace in my conversations with Vickie.  It is amazing!  When Hubby and I go on our road trip I will talk to my son David about what I'm feeling.  I can't quite put my feelings into words, as they are way below the surface and just settled in my heart right now.  It will expand and permeate my soul and in that expansion, I will be able to explain the joy and peace I'm feeling.  Don't you just love when you really try to embrace the Atonement and use it in your personal life and then you have such marvelous break-throughs of understanding and peace?  I sure do.  I am filled with gratitude.  tender mercies, for sure!

Life moves on...

Getting ready for our roadtrip!!  I'm moving slow motion and feeling snail-like!! 

I will keep on working on apologies and seeking forgiveness.  Still have one birthmother to contact.  Have lost touch and do not have her information.  I will get it and do it.  Have been enjoying getting to know Vickie as we visit back and forth  (wife of the late birthfather).  Will share my progress as things move ahead. 

What a great reminder!!  why, my goodness!!...I truly am feeling that power!!!

Still in the Lesser LDS group!!

Well, like pulling a raveling on a sweater, I continue to share the cleansing effort of my heart which seems to be unwinding at warp speed!  Even though I wasn't wanting to share my boys with them drawn into another family, on the same hand I did not want them rejected.  I prayed they would be loved and accepted and if they didn't want the involvement with these strangers that it would be the boys that ended it and not any of the birthparents group. 

Really, I felt everyone was a better Christian than I would ever hope to be.  The two birthmothers are both faith-filled active LDS women with strong testimonies.  Now Vickie is the wife of the one birthfather that entered our lives. Vickie had a daughter die and then her husband died.  She is a gracious soul.  I met her only one time, at the same time I met her husband and also Carol Ann.  She was lovely.  I was just so wrapped up in my emotions and really...I could have won an Oscar for my acting so happy meeting everyone.  Oh, did I mention that I met these folks at David's wedding reception? 

David thought it was good for all of us to meet at such a festive occasion!  I nearly croaked when he told me that would be happening.  I'm so uptight and rigid?  Old-fashioned.  Not modern.  And don't forget I'm acting like I own these boys, my prized possessions plus throw in my co-dependent insecurities and you have what could be called in the language of today-- a hot-mess!  Exit stage left and have a total melt-down! 

I love these boys so much!!  Exactly like my other 3 kiddos so I'm just now trying to make amends and apologize.  It seems that my thoughts of unkindness/ill-will/jealousy etc. were alive in my mind, and only shared with a few close people and so far I'm the one that was hurt and everyone else is fine!  I am finding that as I access the Atonement, in even this somewhat SoapOpera scene being lived out in real time, that Atonement will help my poor old soul on many levels. 

Now when I write the other BirthMother...I know I hurt her.  I've asked for her email address from my son's wife and hopefully she will share it as I no longer have it.  that one may not work out so good but it's about me asking forgiveness and not inflicting any pain on her.

*******

 

Hi Vickie...It's Nancy Seljestad. Jeanee's Mother. When I saw the picture of you sitting with her (and isn't she just gorgeous and precious and sweet???) I thought of how overdue I have been, how negligent I have been, in thanking you for your generous loving heart towards my family. 

 

I have no idea what it would be like to find out your husband had another son that he was not aware of and of course, neither were you! You handled this entire scenario which such grace and compassion and acceptance and love. Thank you. 

 

To my sorrow...I wish I'd put aside my petty feelings and insecurities and gotten to know your husband before his passing and also to have reached out more to you. 

 

My two children that you know, Jeanee and David, acted better than their Mother! You have been so welcoming and inclusive to David and that is so important to his life. ... In such a situation, a rather delicate one, there was such an opening to be unloving and rejecting of him. 

 

I am so thankful that you are filled with the capacity to love unconditionally and reach out and give 100%. Forgive me if I have in any way caused you a moment of heartache. 

 

Thank you for being Aunty to Cassie and Tori. Now are we talking amazing young women??? 

 

love to you from me. If I had your email, I would have sent this long letter that way. 

 

Take care and keep on being lovely like you are! Nancy

 

(a part of her reply.  and this was email!  and yet it's the FB message format like mine to her.  sorry about that!)

 

 
Dear Nancy,

You could not have touch my soul deeper.  Thank you for your beautiful message and I felt the love!  We could write a book couldn't we?  I have thought about you so much ... and even spoke to Dave about how you feel with all of these "other" people getting into his life.  There is so much to tell.

Last year I sat down with Dave face to face and told him that Kiti was always so thrilled to know him and to meet him.  I am so grateful to God that Dave found Kiti before he left this earth....   Kiti got a call that a young man thought that Kiti was his biological father.  Kiti was so stunned and came to the bedroom where I was watching TV late at night and was so pale and scared I thought that he was going to tell me that his mother had died in the islands.  He told me about the phone call.  For some reason, I was thrilled ... I never felt like this was an intrusion ... I felt that this was going to be a beautiful thing.

Kiti and I stayed up all night because I insisted that Maika and I join Kiti and little Kiti because I wanted to be there when Kiti met this young man.  Long story on trying to get 2 more tickets at the last minute to Salt Lake ... it was crazy.  But as you know, the minute we met Dave, it was so worth it.  You raised such a sweet giving guy who only has love in his heart. 

From there on, we wanted him to know about his Tongan side and there was much to tell.  One thing Kiti taught all of us is that in Tonga, there is no word for "step" ... there is no "step"mother, no "step" brother, etc.  He wanted the boys and Ana to call Dave their brother.   (I hope that doesn't hurt you too much.) ....
 

What a fabulous guy he is!  He made Kiti feel so much better early on when he told him that he was "bathed in love" with his Mom and Dad and couldn't have had a better childhood!!   I hope some day you and I can get to know each other better because I know you and your husband are very special.  Dave loves you two and I love that love I feel when he talks about you.....

 

Two years ago when Dave, Jennifer and the kids came down, I told Dave through tears that I was so grateful that he still wanted to be around us.  I told him he could have easily dropped us after Kiti died, but he didn't and we were both crying.

Each time he comes, I try to include Jeanne and her family because of course ... he loves her so much. 

 

 I was thrilled when I invited her to come to hear Harry play music at the Cape, that she came each time ... love that girl.   

 

When she invited us to Tori and Cassie's graduation, we were so happy ... and it warms my heart that I'm Aunt Vickie.   I could go on and on about those 2 girls. ...  

Ok, enough of this book!!  I hope I have not "hurt" you either with any words I have shared here.   I love that we are in touch.

Thank you again for your loving words,
Vickie

 

Being Less than LDS...

I seem to be on a soul deep scrub down and I'm not going to fight it.  As things surface I will just handle it and apologize for any pain I might have inflicted in some way on someone.  I want to clear things up in my heart as I really want to feel the Spirit as much as possible.  As I've prayed things have been coming into my mind.  I really thought that I'd been rude to the birth mother of our first adopted son.

Here is what I wrote to her on her FB page in a message:

Hi Carol Ann. It's Nancy. First of all Happy Birthday! I couldn't put it on your FB because we aren't Friends. I thought that was sort of ironic. I'm writing a note to you about that very fact. 

I feel, I know, that I've not reached out to you and I really want to apologize and ask you to excuse my behavior and forgive me for causing you some pain. We find ourselves connected in such an unusual way and I feel I have let my emotions and pettiness get in the way of being kind and nice and most especially letting you know of the gratitude and appreciation to you for gracing my life with such a wondrous person as my David. (talk about a run on sentence!) 

Perhaps my age or my possessive nature towards my children or jealousy or I don't know what, all showed a side of me that isn't usually there. a black spot on my heart! 

I would like to erase that bad behavior by apologizing, asking you to forgive my selfishness, and I will then forgive myself for being less than LDS! 

I want to thank you for reaching out to David and his family and your children for being kind and good to him in that same way. David is a miracle in our lives and even though he is headstrong and not on the Church path, that we want all of our children on, he is so loving and kind and compassionate and good and we love him to pieces. 

I was caught off guard with how extremely selfish and possessive I found myself to be in regard to wanting exclusivity with my children. I realize they are not possessions!

 I'm sure in your generosity and courage to allow us to raise and love David, that I have hurt you with my apparent rejection of you. I am so sorry. that is truly not the way I conduct myself with others! Just like you...I love the Gospel...I have a testimony...I'm active...I serve...I go to the Temple and on and on. 

 I hope by the awareness that has come to me, of my less than kind and gentle treatment of you, that you will accept my apology, forgive and accept my love and appreciation. 

Thanks for loving David and his entire family! (I would have emailed this but I don't have your email) 

Nancy 

********  her note to me (I have no idea why it's like this format. she emailed me)

Dear Nancy....

Thank you for the birthday wishes...it's been a great day!

I'm not sure how to respond to your letter.  It troubles me that you feel that you've caused me pain, or hurt feelings, and that you're carrying guilt over it.  I've never had any problem with you or your family! 

                                                                                                                     I can imagine that, all those years ago (almost 20!), when David & I found each other again, that it would have been unsettling & even scary for you & for your other children. It was scary for me too, but enough time has gone by now, that we all can see that it has had no effect on David's love & commitment to you & your family. 

I totally agree with you that David is a miracle....for you and for me. I simply don't know another man alive who is as caring, kind, sweet & considerate as he is.  This is a direct reflection on the wonderful environment he was raised in...and it means the world to me that you instilled all those things, and many other positive things, in him as he grew up. I always knew that he was meant, and lucky, to be raised by you.

Please unload any guilt, worry or anything else that's weighing you down about this. You asked for my forgiveness, but, truly, I don't feel like there's anything that needs forgiving. There's no need for black spots on your kind heart!

We all truly do love that David & his darling family!  He's good to us & has a sweet relationship with our kids & grandkids.  We all admire his tender nature & how much he loves the babies!

****my reply back to her...( Again!  I don't know how to fix this problem on the formatting as mine was now to her email)

What a great gift to be given on Memorial Day...your sweet tender reassuring note!  Perhaps I was more guilty of my thoughts than my actual behavior!  Your sincere words made me feel at peace within and that is what I was seeking, in addition to making amends, for any pain/hurt I’d inflicted on you by my selfish possessive behavior.   Thank you, for being a true Saint!

I have not walked in your shoes but I can only imagine that it would be a great relief to know, the child you surrendered to us, was loved 100% from my MotherHeart.  To his credit he has walked this path, of balancing the intricacies of adoption, as a great example to me.  He has done his level best to assure and reassure me of my place of parental importance in his life and I’ve come to that belief of his truth.  Sometimes it is extremely difficult to teach old dogs new tricks!

Love to you and thankfulness also for your response to my pain.  Pain, which has now faded, as it seems it was not a reality in your life but a figment of self-judgment in my mind!  Thanks for reassuring me that I did not hurt you.  I was feeling I had and that felt good to hear/know that you were okay and are okay. 

Adoption has taken me on a life journey that did not come with a roadmap!  Thanks for being a peacemaker!

Gratitude and love to you from me...

Nancy

 

Less than LDS

As you know we adopted two of our 5 children.  Terry and I vowed to each other that we would love our first new little adopted son with all of our hearts and felt sort of sad thinking he would never know real parental love like our first 3 children had.  What a marvelous surprise to feel exactly the same as we did about our 3 naturally born children!  It was a wonderful shocking surprising experience.

Perhaps it's the generational thing, but with the feelings I had, I had no interest in ever meeting any of the birth parents.  To bring in someone to claim a stake in one of my first 3 children would have been foreign and unwelcome and I felt that exact same way about my adopted baby boys.

These baby boys are now 44 and 40!!

Nowadays adoptions are open.  I'm thinking a person would have to be way younger than me and way more open minded and way more willing to reach terms of how much involvement there will be.  I don't think I'm capable.  For me it was simple on our adoptions.  The paper is signed.  Thank you.  Good-bye.

Is this akin to me being in some confessional booth?  Why do I feel to just share my all??  I just do.  that's all.  I just do.

So anyhow, over this long period of time, things were hunky-dory until about 20+ years ago and then the birth parents and spouses of birth parents and children of birth parents all started bubbling up and entering my life.  A part of my life that is so incredibly important to me.  Mothering.  being Mom.  That is my domain and I learned I'm possessive and in many ways so much less than LDS.

I've met these people.  they are good to the boys.  they love them.  they have tried to reach out to me.  I was cordial/cool/standoffish and exuded no warm fuzzies.  Not even a single bit.   Oh, did I mention jealousy?  (That should be spelled in green with monster yellow eyes!) 

So it's one of those, to me at least, french-braid moments of personal complication in my life.  Just like the braid...dibs and dabs of stuff that when all put together make for a good sized elephant always propped in the corner and me just moving it from one place to the other.

So rather than move the elephant again, I decided to grab the bull by the horns, and face my feelings!
Ouch!!  Not pleasant!  not nice!  I just felt so strongly that I need to make some sort of amends and deal with this in the way of writing a note, expressing briefly (and yes, I can be brief.  well, at times!)

I just decided to write a heartfelt note and express feelings of regret for any hurt or pain that I'd inflicted on them.  I wrote to the one BirthMother and one spouse of a deceased BirthFather and I couldn't even find an email address or anything for the other BirthMom.  The other BirthFather?...no clues about him.  He has never been a part of any equation.

I was caught off guard with how extremely selfish and possessive I found myself to be in regard to wanting exclusivity with my children. I realize they are not possessions! 

That was a part of what I wrote in one note.

Rather long story short...I apologized.  Asked to be forgiven for hurt I'd inflicted on them.  sent the two off and heard back from the spouse of the BirthFather that died.   She was gracious and wonderful and kind.  we will talk as she wondered how I did with all of these people entering into my life.  Uh, not very good!   She, like her husband, had no idea about the fact he had a son!  Can you imagine dealing with that bit of information?  out of the blue???  Wow!

I'll share more later.  What I wanted to say is...sometimes we just have to really check out our heart and see if it's luminous, with a heavenly glow sparked by the Holy Ghost, or little puff clouds of darkness that make things hazy and sometimes even speckles of black.  I asked for forgiveness from them so I can forgive myself and take full advantage of the marvelous healing power of the Atonement.  

I felt incredibly good with just the small amount of reaching out and apologizing I did.  I love the cleansing found in the gift of the Atonement!!

this is one of the women I wrote to.  My children are nicer than their Mother...Jeanee wrote on this picture...

Love you! Thanks for being our family. xoxo  

I do say though that she is a wonderful woman and she would like us to be friends.  I look forward to us sharing our two stories, with each other, as to how our lives have intersected.  She thinks we could do a book!  I think being friends sounds nice.  Not a book.

Isn't my daughter gorgeous?  I birthed an angel!!!!!