Being Less than LDS...

I seem to be on a soul deep scrub down and I'm not going to fight it.  As things surface I will just handle it and apologize for any pain I might have inflicted in some way on someone.  I want to clear things up in my heart as I really want to feel the Spirit as much as possible.  As I've prayed things have been coming into my mind.  I really thought that I'd been rude to the birth mother of our first adopted son.

Here is what I wrote to her on her FB page in a message:

Hi Carol Ann. It's Nancy. First of all Happy Birthday! I couldn't put it on your FB because we aren't Friends. I thought that was sort of ironic. I'm writing a note to you about that very fact. 

I feel, I know, that I've not reached out to you and I really want to apologize and ask you to excuse my behavior and forgive me for causing you some pain. We find ourselves connected in such an unusual way and I feel I have let my emotions and pettiness get in the way of being kind and nice and most especially letting you know of the gratitude and appreciation to you for gracing my life with such a wondrous person as my David. (talk about a run on sentence!) 

Perhaps my age or my possessive nature towards my children or jealousy or I don't know what, all showed a side of me that isn't usually there. a black spot on my heart! 

I would like to erase that bad behavior by apologizing, asking you to forgive my selfishness, and I will then forgive myself for being less than LDS! 

I want to thank you for reaching out to David and his family and your children for being kind and good to him in that same way. David is a miracle in our lives and even though he is headstrong and not on the Church path, that we want all of our children on, he is so loving and kind and compassionate and good and we love him to pieces. 

I was caught off guard with how extremely selfish and possessive I found myself to be in regard to wanting exclusivity with my children. I realize they are not possessions!

 I'm sure in your generosity and courage to allow us to raise and love David, that I have hurt you with my apparent rejection of you. I am so sorry. that is truly not the way I conduct myself with others! Just like you...I love the Gospel...I have a testimony...I'm active...I serve...I go to the Temple and on and on. 

 I hope by the awareness that has come to me, of my less than kind and gentle treatment of you, that you will accept my apology, forgive and accept my love and appreciation. 

Thanks for loving David and his entire family! (I would have emailed this but I don't have your email) 

Nancy 

********  her note to me (I have no idea why it's like this format. she emailed me)

Dear Nancy....

Thank you for the birthday wishes...it's been a great day!

I'm not sure how to respond to your letter.  It troubles me that you feel that you've caused me pain, or hurt feelings, and that you're carrying guilt over it.  I've never had any problem with you or your family! 

                                                                                                                     I can imagine that, all those years ago (almost 20!), when David & I found each other again, that it would have been unsettling & even scary for you & for your other children. It was scary for me too, but enough time has gone by now, that we all can see that it has had no effect on David's love & commitment to you & your family. 

I totally agree with you that David is a miracle....for you and for me. I simply don't know another man alive who is as caring, kind, sweet & considerate as he is.  This is a direct reflection on the wonderful environment he was raised in...and it means the world to me that you instilled all those things, and many other positive things, in him as he grew up. I always knew that he was meant, and lucky, to be raised by you.

Please unload any guilt, worry or anything else that's weighing you down about this. You asked for my forgiveness, but, truly, I don't feel like there's anything that needs forgiving. There's no need for black spots on your kind heart!

We all truly do love that David & his darling family!  He's good to us & has a sweet relationship with our kids & grandkids.  We all admire his tender nature & how much he loves the babies!

****my reply back to her...( Again!  I don't know how to fix this problem on the formatting as mine was now to her email)

What a great gift to be given on Memorial Day...your sweet tender reassuring note!  Perhaps I was more guilty of my thoughts than my actual behavior!  Your sincere words made me feel at peace within and that is what I was seeking, in addition to making amends, for any pain/hurt I’d inflicted on you by my selfish possessive behavior.   Thank you, for being a true Saint!

I have not walked in your shoes but I can only imagine that it would be a great relief to know, the child you surrendered to us, was loved 100% from my MotherHeart.  To his credit he has walked this path, of balancing the intricacies of adoption, as a great example to me.  He has done his level best to assure and reassure me of my place of parental importance in his life and I’ve come to that belief of his truth.  Sometimes it is extremely difficult to teach old dogs new tricks!

Love to you and thankfulness also for your response to my pain.  Pain, which has now faded, as it seems it was not a reality in your life but a figment of self-judgment in my mind!  Thanks for reassuring me that I did not hurt you.  I was feeling I had and that felt good to hear/know that you were okay and are okay. 

Adoption has taken me on a life journey that did not come with a roadmap!  Thanks for being a peacemaker!

Gratitude and love to you from me...

Nancy