Today I've really thought about how far I've come since joining the Church for what seems like a lifetime ago. I've learned a lot and put a lot of things into practice and develop habits through acts of obedience. It's not easy to come into the Church and feel run over by a steam roller in trying to do everything at once. Everywhere you turn there is something you should be doing and everyone else seems to be doing everything even alluded to!! I remember trying to wrap my brain around all of the list that seemed as detailed as the law of Moses. Looking back I always wished that someone would have said to me....you are nice the way you are. you are not some big professional sinner woman headed to outer darkness. just be patient and attend your meetings and just incorporate what you can, get a handle on it and then take on something else.
Taking a deep breath, and looking way back, I see that I have incorporated the Gospel into my very being and I quite like it! The problem is...once you start you really can't quit or take time off or grow lax in what you've learned to do as a part of your spiritual base. Doing so lessens the Spirit. Like a dimmer switch on a bulb that really has a lot of wattage. You sort of burn out and unless that switch is clicked to full power you can't really see things clearly. It's to dark, not only within your soul but also your actually vision becomes fuzzy, distorted and you become out of sorts. I was not seeing clearly.
The fog is lifting and I'm seeing that no matter what method is used to cause a person to decrease their obedience to simple acts...acts needing consistency of replenishment...the feelings once enjoyed that felt a natural part of one's being, will fade.
It's interesting to think how subtle this has been and even though I've attended Church etc. I still neglected my spiritual health and all the while tending to Terry's physical health the best I could.
Prayer has been the one constant in my life since I learned to pray, from the Missionaries, and then that ability grew and over time I figured out how to access God through that communication, just as many others have. What a blessing in my life. I am a pray-er!
When I learned we needed to bless all food, say 2 family prayers, 2 private prayers, 2 couple prayers and then to read in the Book of Mormon about "pray mid-day" also!!! It was like entering a religious order of some sort based on constant prayer. I admit that it was figured out... tried and failed, tried and succeeded, integrated soul-wise and is a personal Balm in Gilead and a rather constant in my life be it verbal or silent. It is marvelous to pray and get answers from a loving Father in Heaven.
Thinking about my growth in prayer reminds me that it isn't that I'm not doing enough variety of acts of obedience, I've just been obedience-coasting down a sloped hill, hit the flat land and the coasting stopped. I fell off the scooter!!! Fell off because I slowed to the point of stopping what has become a very important part of my life...Temple, study,etc. etc. The dab of things I've done do not feed my soul substantially. This awareness is getting me back to my own comfort zone.
My mind is on the guidance and promise of my Patriarchal blessing. A re-read of that will steer me in the right direction for course correction. Reading that and other copies of blessings given by Terry and some by Greg are my refreshing directive.
Moving ahead!! Yes!! It's coming together and I feel better and better.
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