Moving Along

Every day is better, brighter and more filled with goodness and light.  I think unraveling emotions is akin to a fine strand gold necklace that has ended up tangled and must be painstakingly looked at, held up to the light, handled very gently, observing & thinking things through before making/taking any steps to undo the twisted/complicated/knotty ball of confusion.  That has been my journey the last while.

Because I sincerely desire, have a deep testimony that the Gospel can bring me peace and the marvelous bonus of feeling/hearing the Holy Ghost's counsel/guidance, I'm doing a back track to see where I dropped the ball to bring on this feeling of a spiritual estrangement of sorts.

Today I visited with Terry and said...Maybe I should just go in and delete all this searching process.  I know I'm on track and each day returning closer and closer to how I like to feel but maybe it's to much, to personal.  Maybe it sounds totally faithless.  Maybe it's way to much information.  I can delete things.  Did you know that?  He said...Why would you delete it?  You feel like you do and you are sharing it.  I said...I'm not the only LDS woman that has this happen.  Maybe it will help someone else at some point in their journey.  I'm coming out of this.  I'm not going to stay this way.  I think everyone at different times goes through what I'm feeling.  I'm leaving things as they are.  It's honest.  and it's me.  Me right now.

Me right now. Why do we  doubt ourselves and our lovability and our worthiness and have low/no self-esteem and feel less of the Spirit than we like/need to feel whole?  A million reasons for sure.  My quest right now has reminded me of the importance of steadily/consistently doing those small acts repeatedly. When Terry was in the Re-hab hospital they explained to him, many, many times that he needed to do the repetitive small exercises in order to re-train/spark his brain.  That is how it is with Spiritual things also.  Don't you think?

Our acts of obedience aren't what actually creates the blessings but it makes the miracle of blessings possible.  I can read/study the Scriptures but it takes the Spirit to bless me.  Does that make any sense?  In my questioning quest of what lack I yet prayers... I've been reminded of personal Scripture Study (not dibs or dabs or peeks or nibbles but full on STUDY).  I've also had it brought to my mind that my Temple attendance has been zero/nada/zilch/etc. since Stroke Day- Jan. 21st and I need to get back to attending once a week.  Today I realized that I've been visiting Ward Conferences for several weeks and loving it and going to all sorts of great RS extra meetings in the evenings.  I also had the realization...that I usually catch only part of a Sunday School class and not one single RS Sunday class.  The really biggie was being reminded that I don't study the SS lesson or RS lesson.  True, I've read most of the RS manual but not weekly as I don't go to class.  And I don't read the SS lesson.

Scripture study/Temple attendance/study for Sunday lessons- have been a normal part of who I am and my normalcy has suffered as I've neglected those areas.  I look forward to getting back on track for what works for me to enjoy feeling good spiritually.

Terry feels my wonderful van is not going to hold up forever and he's not comfy with me traveling alone at night in it to visit Wards etc.  so he's looking for a different rig.  I am not a car person.  As long as it runs then I'm happy but I will admit to LOVING my van.  I know it's a Town and Country van and the only other car that I ever had feelings for, and knew the name, was my Volkswagen Rabbit.  All the rest of the cars I've had are only known by color.  the blue one or the red one or the green one or etc. etc.  

Today he found online a car that he thought would be good, safe etc.  He showed me.  admittedly it was very "pretty" and the price was budget worthy.  The car, on closer looking at the pictures, was actually gorgeous and the price was surprisingly low.  Doing online AutoCheck we found that it had been totaled and a whole bunch of things had happened.  Not for us!  So beauty on the outside but damaged underneath.  Hidden by the polished exterior.

Sometimes we are that way aren't we?  All Normal Mormon to glance at but many have struggles within.

I enjoyed this part of a scripture today....that you may chase darkness from among you... (D&C 50:25)

Also this....

President Lee taught, “If we’re not reading the scriptures daily, our testimonies are growing thinner, our spirituality isn’t increasing in depth” (The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, 152).