Filling Up

Choices

By now I think it's pretty obvious when something is not quite right in my life, as my blog reveals my inner self.  The above video doesn't really have anything to do with how I'm feeling.  I was just going to use it as filler.  I appreciate you loyal readers and can't stand the thought of you coming here and finding nothing.  Even with that kind thought though, it just seemed like such a cheap shot.  and not really upfront and honest. Shame on me!

My blog is not about playing games or presenting a false front.  So do I just post videos etc. as filler because I don't want to be honest with my feelings?  No.  I am comfortable saying it like it is.  Co-dependents are paranoid if their humanness comes to light that they won't be liked.  They are convinced if you really  knew what they are like...you wouldn't like them!

Remember-- I'm a recovering co-dependent!

I love acting/theater and all that sort of fun but in life, especially our Gospel life, I think we need to be honest and not playacting.  No center stage acting for me on this blog. 

The last couple of days it's hit me that I've really neglected my spiritual self since the day of Terry's stroke.  that was Jan 21.  I neglected the survival rule of Oxygen first on myself even though I started that way on the 21st.  I think I slipped it off momentarily and spaced out putting it back on.

I feel sort of empty.  More than sort of. More like a deep dark black hole longing for light.  I've not gone to the Temple since that day.  I've not really dug in and studied.  sort of piece meal.  rather scattered.  skimming and not searching.  True, I've been prayerful....attended Church....partaken of the Sacrament...read the Ensign...Fast Sunday....tended to my Church responsibilities and those sort of regular acts.  Those things are not enough, at least for me, to really feel the Holy Ghost.  I have to dig into the scriptures.  My shovel has been idle.

Today I dug so deep in study that I'm actually thinking of getting some sort of tablet or whatever so I can study on it!!  I about fell off my chair when I told Terry that I really think I'm ready.  I love using the BD and Topical guide in my print version.  Paper involves a lot of whipping back and forth though to find and read and mark referenced scriptures.

Today it was different.  Very enjoyable.  I was stunned at how much ground I covered by using my computer and accessing the new Scripture version.   Didn't someone tell me I can keep track of my favorite scriptures?  a list or the likes?  even notes? Terry has been encouraging me to get one and I'm always on the side of...I really love paper/I'd be lost without my red pencil/to much $$/I'm only modern to a point-not that modern... etc. etc.  I'm thinking different after today's Scripture mining.  I struck gold and had a light-bulb moment.

I'm not confessing to being in outer darkness or the likes but as I said- it is black!  I'm just saying I don't feel the way I like to feel spiritually.  I like to hear the Holy Ghost.  I like to be prompted.  I felt so close to the Spirit while Terry was in the rehab hospital.  Then he came home and we started to readjust our life to making sure he would continue to recover.  Somehow or other in all of the busyness of the last 7 weeks I've slowly used up any reserves I had.  So it's time to fill up the tank.

Get that up to a level that I feel good....feel the Spirit and feel good about living and life and myself.  The Holy Ghost speaks to me in a very soft voice.  He speaks reality to me.  But....you know who else uses that same technique of gentle persuasion?  Someone that puts in seeds of self-doubt?  Whispers lies that seem truths and makes a person even doubt doing something as simple as a blog?  Points out weaknesses and has the convincing power to lay one low...know who that one is?  Maybe you have lived a sheltered life in all it's splendor (I'm just an observer on that)  and have no idea of who/whom I'm alluding to.  To keep your innocence, I won't say the name!

So I'm in the midst of regaining the level of spiritual strength that I personally need- to feel like I like to feel.  It just kind of snuck up on me and did lay me low.  Spiritual strength is a personal thing.  We all have our own individual size inward vessels, that must be filled with what works for us, of the  many things available for our spiritual growth and maintenance.  My empty light is flashing but today I got that to blink less frequent.

I just couldn't leave a blank post.  This is to let you know the happenings...I'll keep you posted and this will take a few days to refill my emptiness.

Are you all filled up???  Maybe I'm the only one that has to watch the gauge?