tending to the homefront....

I'm preoccupied with Terry right now.  He is not in pain (so thankful).  Very nervous to eat as he's afraid he might have another of those attacks.  He's eating little and very very careful to limit fat.  

Looking forward to Monday and seeing if the blood test will match the recent emergency room test.  That will confirm or discount the happenings.  

How about I'll check in here Monday after the drama moves to the next step?  okay?

Monday.  the 2nd.  of JUNE!!!

My New Norm

so here I am with deadline looming for Wednesday.  Today!  Tweaking of my attitude adjustment meter has moved ahead, more into gratitude mark on dial, and less on gripe-y area!

Seems to me that our lives move in large segments that last for a pretty good length of time.  Long enough for us to get use to it and for it to become our norm.  Years of marriage/childbearing/child rearing /employment-careers.  Homebuilding.  Homemaking.  The nurturing aspect of mortality.  We become comfy in our norm and we each have our own norm.  We can deal with whatever wanders into our norm....as long as it doesn't take up residence and change our old norm to a new norm.

I have a new norm and I kept trying to stop my old norm from seeping away.  I wanted my sweetie to have the muscular strength that he so misses.  I wanted him to have his, also longed for, endurance to work physically, hours on end.  I wanted him to have his balance and his agility and his awareness/alertness of tasks to be performed.  I wanted him to not feel frustrated or overwhelmed.  I wanted him not to have any aches or pains.  He has longings for what is now our old norm...things in the past.

I want to accept this new norm that is not yet familiar to either of us.  I want to settle in and be as happy with this new life phase as I was with our old life phase.  And I want the same for him.  I want to bloom where I'm planted, and simultaneously pull him up by the roots, or am I grabbing his bootstraps?, to join with me?

So putting in the mix my Co-Dependent behavior of wanting to save anyone I know and love, most especially, my aiming at eternity together man, and trying so hard to avoid self-change and wanting to mend/fix and go back in time to the old familiar way...I decided to figure it out for myself. 

Now if you can't understand that long drawn out sentence attempt?....I know what you mean!  I found myself less patient, less kind, less polite, less gentle.  I felt drained of gratitude in this life area of my new norm.

So...I've read a lot.  Thought a lot.  and I have re-grouped in my mind set.  In life I believe...it is what it is.  With that thinking mode then my new norm is what it is.  The old norm left on the night he woke me up and said...I think I'm having a stroke.

In my searching these last few days I realize that my greatest frustration is I want things that Terry wants for himself and I can't help him have those things.  They are not going to happen no matter how he longs for them or I desire to aid/assist in helping them to come about.  He has nothing like life-threatening or diseases etc.  His life has changed physically and he misses how things were.

We both have to totally embrace our current status and be thankful and glad.  I told him yesterday ....if things never improve with your balance etc. we are just blessed beyond measure.  We talked about how fortunate he is with all the normal things he does.

Actually I just want to live with an attitude of gratitude, gentleness, kindness and unconditional love.  Is that to much to hope for? I don't think so.  It's doable because I desire it.  Plus isn't it a part of the Gospel?  The Gospel that I love and believe in.  The Gospel my testimony abides in.

**************************************

So right here, in this paragraph, is where I thought I'd share some things I read and thought about, plus some decisions I have made about proper conduct of oneself aka myself, and then my real new norm current life settled back in rather rapidly early this morning.  

I sent this rather stark but factual note to my children early afternoon....

Hi everyone-

Lots of things going on in your lives as well as ours.  Just wanted to give a little update.

Dad has not been feeling real swift lately.  last couple of days he’s had intense stomach pain.  Today it really accelerated and I took him to Emergency at 7am.  His official diagnosis is Acute Pancreatitus and Epigastric abdominal pain with his lab test being way to high at 1450 on the LAPASE part.  In English...he possibly has a gall stone in his pancreas.  Not good.  they will run the tests again next Monday.  IF it’s still high as today or even higher then they will possibly (most likely) remove the stone.  how they find it etc.????  I have no idea.

For those of you planning on visiting Monday etc.  just wanted you to know what is going on if you wanted to pick a different date.  won’t be much fun if he is in for some procedure.  we are fine with you coming no matter what is going on.  just wanted you to know the happenings.

will keep you posted.

I am okay.

love to all from Mom

 

*************************************

I forgot to tell them the clothes dryer stopped working yesterday evening!  

In life it never rains but it pours and right now that is self-evident outdoors.  Terrific wind and rain storm.  Smells heavenly and I love to see it pouring outdoors.

This is the place that I was going to list things that jogged me forward, out of slogging along, into a certain skipping gait  (okay.  mental skipping!) that makes me smile.  Life is just filled with challenges but the truth of the matter is Adam fell that man might be and men are that they might have joy!  (something along those lines)  

Through the blessings of the Gospel and my testimony of it and belief in the power of the Atonement, it is inspiring to read Scripturally, how others enjoyed the Spirit of their testimonies, while life went on with all of the individual storms in their lives surrounding them.

Lehi would broken-heartedly plead with his wayward sons,  express his fears for them, be so devastated BUT he would then switch to the Gospel that he loved and bear his testimony.  and be happy, feel the mentioned joy!, and all those traits I want to be soul deep in myself, would be manifested. 

There are scripturally so many others that did that same thing.  Found joy in the midst of their regular lives.  I was going to list them here but this blog post is already way to long.  I will some other time.  

That is what the Atonement means to me...to be joyous in mortality no matter what is happening in your mortal life.

My personal journey these last few days has prepared me for today.  This could be extremely serious for my Terry but I'll just hug and love and smooch him as he endures what he must.  I'll be kind and encouraging.  Gentle and patience.  and very forgiving of him telling Drue that I told him to shut-up.--  he was really complaining/griping and I said it rather gentle.  sort of flirty/smiley?  OK.  it wasn't nice to tell him to stop complaining in that cavewoman manner!!  I've repented and now it's out there for the world, after the Lord erased it once.  Now again to erase it.  hopefully.

 I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow and paint my nails red and take care of the diet the Dr. wants Terry to do.  That will give me strength!!!!

We may be headed headlong into rough waters but I'm geared up and ready to take things as they come.

Thank you for your support and concern about me jumping overboard and sailing away on a raft, in search of my own message in a bottle!!  

*******************************************************

Here are two things I enjoyed reading in my attitude adjustment search.  these are about perspective, don't you think??

During Corrie’s presentations to audiences, she would often hold the back side of a piece of embroidery (pictured), with hundreds of tangled threads hanging from it. Many wondered if she was holding up the wrong side by mistake. As she held up the messy side of the embroidery she would ask...

“Does God always grant us what we ask for in prayer? Not always. Sometimes He says, ‘No.’ That is because God knows what we do not know. God knows all. Look at this piece of embroidery. The wrong side is chaos. But look at the beautiful picture on the other side – the right side.”

Triumphantly she flipped the cloth over and revealed an elaborately embroidered crown – symbolizing our crown of eternal life. The crown was intricately stitched, and had threads of many colors, including gold, silver and pearls.

“We see now the wrong side, God sees His side all the time. One day we shall see the embroidery from His side, and thank Him for every answered and unanswered prayer.”

Click this link to view the Corrie ten Boom Museum virtual tour, http://tenboom.com/Please share.

*****************************************************************

 My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He work etch steadily.

Ofttimes He weave the sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper and 
I the underside.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needed
In the skillful weavers hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned!

                    (Author Unknown)

Drama Queen...Center Stage!!

Sometimes a person just has to take a breather.  I've been on a breather but I forgot to tell you that I was on a breather!  sorry about that.   Now that is not true at all.  I didn't forget.  I just neglected to do it.  Pretending that all is well!!!

Had to take myself and place me in a timeout chair to think about my negative feelings and my mean spirited attitude.  Finally got my nose out of the corner and am now telling myself...you sit here until you figure out why you are being so impatient with the one you love.  Now I'm in-- solving the mystery mode-- so I'm taking myself on an inside-self sabbatical to figure out why my kindness cup is drained.

So excuse me for a few days, whilst I whittle away time and fritter about emotionally, with the goal of embracing a full size attitude of gratitude....Plus pores oozing so much kindness and patience and gentleness and total love that I could easily qualify for some medal, of some sort of honor.

I think this magazine picture expresses my mean icy-ness!  jagged ice crown and matching scepter!! I like her bold beauty!  cold hearted though!!  I need to melt my ice spots but not have a melt down!!  Maybe Frozen has my message of how to manage things....Let it Go!!!!!!

Brrrrrr!!!  Chill out!!!  Cool your jets!  Simmer down!

 I will give myself up to the 28th to get a grip on my feelings!!  Until then....well, I really don't know but I'll give myself the gift of no-guilt solitude to get back on track!!!!

wonder if my Temple Rec. will be rejected at the door when they scan it?  will the fragile tissue like pages of my scriptures curl and burn when I touch them?  will my words from prayers float around in word clouds?  will my Conference issue pages appear to be glued together?  I will need to immerse myself in these resources if I want to soften my heart and be able to hear the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  I have a lot of work to do!!!!

Hanging up the closed sign.  re-open 28th.  

worth a thousand words......

Missing my friend...

On this weekend of gratitude, for all that have protected our freedoms and so many giving their lives, I salute them with the love I have in my heart.

Also at this time I think of friends that have moved on past this life and how they enriched mine while they were here and our paths crossed.  Scattered snippets of shared times as single memories surface and then like a slide show make way for yet another one....Rita and Edna and May and Lee and Judd and Elaine.

My own parents.  A fleeting thought...My mother bringing me pansies to plant, reminding me that they have a little smiley face and are the friendship flower.  Thinking of me and wanting to help me out of a situation of which there was no getting out of but  that loving act remains with me and strengthens me after all these years.  Her concern and willingness.  so tender.  so touching.

And now...my Myra Faye.   Recently losing her and realizing I have no regrets of our friendship, as far as maximizing it within the framework of our own lives, puts extra value on my living friends  and makes me want to make sure I let them know they are valued and treasured and enjoyed and appreciated.

 

Last picture. Both of us in tears.

********************************

I took a single peony to her grave and was touched to see Bob's flower tribute.

He always called her Sweetheart

The Ladder

The Ladder

by Amy Tiare

Teetering on a broken ladder

Unsafe, unclear

Halfway to my destination

Do I go up?

Do I go down?

Does it matter at this point?

The ladder will soon give way

Looking down at the cliff below

Jagged, rocky

Pain is what awaits me

What to do?

Which direction to choose?

Is there even a choice?

Can’t even remember which direction I was going

Looking up at the broken rungs above

Dizzy, weak

Fear keeps me holding on

Can I make it?

Can I continue to hold on?

Is there any way to save me?

There is no way out of this

A scene flashes before my eyes

Pain, anguish

The Savior suffers in Gethsemane

Can he make it through?

Can he complete the task?

Is it too much for Him to take?

He endures it well and fulfills his mission

A voice enters my mind

Calm, gentle

“My child, I am here for you.

What will you choose?

Go down? I will catch you.

Go up? I will reach for you.

Choose. I cannot help as long as you are still.”

I listen to my heart

Pounding, racing

I listen to my head

What will happen if I move?

Will the ladder break?

What will become of me?

A choice is made. I let go...

**************************************************************************************************************

(Isn't that profound????  I love the entire work of art but especially....

A voice enters my mind

Calm, gentle

“My child, I am here for you.

What will you choose?

Go down? I will catch you.

Go up? I will reach for you.

Choose. I cannot help as long as you are still.”

He is there whatever our choice.  The underscored lines will stay in my mind!  Thank you, Amy!  Let me know when you have your book published.  By the way, I know a book publisher if you need one!)

A Victory for Amy...

Her family lived in Homer and I was more involved with her older siblings/parents but knew little sweet girl Amy. I have enjoyed watching her strength and how she has dealt with her own adult personal struggles in mortality.

She shared this poem on her FB page and I asked if I might share it too.    Perhaps you know someone, besides yourself, that this might give strength and hope to.  Please feel free to share it.

I remember when she made a one time FB statement, wanted no comments or advice or feedback from anyone-- announcing that she had ended her Temple marriage, had her 4 children with her, youngest not yet 1 year old, and was going to rebuild her life. I have watched her blossom and become strong in so many ways.

Her determination and resolve were so strong that eventually she legally even gave herself a brand new last name!-- Tiare. I thought her new last name meant star. Couldn't remember so checked with her and also was trying to remember how old she was. She sent me this as part of a note.....
 
Tiare means "beautiful flower" and is the name of a type of gardenia that grows in the South Pacific. My birthday is next week and I will be 36. My children are 10, 9, 6, and 3. I have been a single parent for just over 2 years now.

Ember of Life

By

Amy Tiare



My heart beats

But it does not live

I breathe the air

But only to survive

Where has the joy gone?

Where is the hope?

All I know is pain

There are those who say,

“You need not fear!”

“It’s not as bad as you think!”

“Just forgive!”

“Be grateful!”

But they don’t live in my house

They don’t walk in my shoes

I’m withering away into nothingness

I am alone…

I cry out

But no one hears

Or so I think

Someone is watching from a distance

Waiting

Waiting

Wanting to assist

Waiting for me to ask

Can I ask?

Can I reach out?

No!

But I must

The pain of staying has become too great

If I stay, I will die

If I leave, I may die

Why do I still breathe?

Why do I wake up each morning?

Why can’t I just slip away into nonexistence?

It would be easier…

Or would it?

My heart beats wildly

A choice is made

I must reach out

Before the last cooling ember loses all charge

With what feels to be my final breathe

I call out,

“Help! Please!”

Instantly I am surrounded

Hands grasp me from all directions

From places I never knew existed

Whisked away into safety

Hidden away from danger

Spoon-fed until the strength returns

And it does

Slowly at first

Ever so slowly

The nights are long

Days even longer

Weary

Overwhelmed

But safe

The dying ember glows brighter

Beginning to grow

Growing stronger some days

Fading other days

But never returning to what it once was

Always gaining ground

Until one day there is no ember

Now there is a fire

Growing hot

Growing bold

The fire must be fed

Some days I am strong enough to feed it on my own

Other days I must allow others to feed it

One day,

One day soon,

I want to feed others

The way I have been fed

There is the hope

The hope that was once lost

Beginning small

Growing each day

Hope of a better tomorrow

Hope of a better today

Hope of a fire that burns bright enough to help others

My heart beats

It beats with hope

I breathe the air

Wanting to live

A spark of joy

A spark of hope

Today is a new day

With the glowing ember of life.