Terry has an excellent attitude of...This is life. Let's deal with it. No questioning or whining or feeling sorry for himself.
He is moving ahead rapidly and we are just amazed and thankful. My thoughts are all scrambled into a weeks worth of scrambled events.
A week ago today we ended our Sunday as we always do by going to bed. We stayed up to late. Again! Probably 6am I was awakened by him turning on his lamp and shocking me by saying....I think I'm having a stroke. He was right.
From there it's been a mad dash of tests and evaluations and rehab. I am so thankful for rehab and how things are going. Thankful for specialists.
Thoughts are strange sometimes in their randomness. Some of my thoughts have been so random!
He's having an Echo gram to check his heart, to see if they can trace where the blood clot originated and I'm watching all of this, sitting against the back wall, facing the screen and the tech's back and looking at Terry on the bed and suddenly out of nowhere the thought pops into my mind...I don't know how to tie a necktie. What if he can't ever tie a necktie? Will I take him to Church and ask the first man I see to tie his tie? Maybe I can have someone teach me that skill? Could the Deacons Quorum take that on as a service project? To weekly make sure his tie is tied?
Random. For sure.
He was admitted early Monday morning, diagnosed with a TIA/mini-stroke, & spent the night. Tuesday, around 4:30 he was going to come home. We were excited to think he was leaving to come home but as we were about to leave, the entire plan changed. He was going to rehab as an in-patient. It was really hectic and we didn't even come home for a minute. We went right up to the Stroke Center.
He wanted to come home and I wanted the same thing. I felt emotional and so did he but we decided to not start crying. We were tired and had been through a lot of shock. That was very hard to leave him there but he wanted me to go home that night and I knew I needed to. He wasn't in danger, they were professionals monitoring him closely, and he had no pain. We had talked in the car about me staying rested and strong etc. So I drove off late that night and headed home.
As women, with our divine nurturing nature, we are automatically tuned in to multitask in caring for our chicks and even our tough old roosters. I felt like I dropped my only child off at some new daycare. I wanted to leave them a list of what he needed and make sure they'd check on him etc. etc.
In the middle of the night I awoke with a start...what if they didn't give him the Plavix???!!! They had taken him off of aspirin and went "next step above aspirin". I had not filled the Rx from the hospital. At the rehab center I was to show the nurses what the hospital doctor wanted him on. The rehab nurses said they had their own Doctor and their own Rx and that might not be given. The Rehab Dr. would decide. So I awake in a panic that he has no aspirin AND no Plavix....Does he have Thick blood! Sludging towards his brain? Clots!! Another stroke? At any minute! I need to call them. Did they check the chart? Do they know? Maybe I should go over there even though it's 2am? Me hyperventilating!!! Prayer calmed me and reassurance came and I kept to my original plan of staying in bed until 7am.
Yesterday morning, 5 days later, as I headed over, I suddenly felt so overwhelmed with mentally scanning through the what if book. What if the car breaks down? What if our kids think we are a burden because maybe we are or will be? What if he can't go to the Temple? What if we run out of $$$? What if they tell us we need to build a new bathroom? What if I can't do my Church calling? What if he can't get the Christmas tree down for next year? What if he can't go to McCall? What if he falls and breaks a hip? What if I get sick? What if he has another stroke? What if the brain damage causes him to be a horrible mean man? What if he gets depressed? Rapid fire doubts rolled over me like a steam roller and tears welled up.
I said a little --help me. Please-- prayer. Immediately the quote from Joseph Smith, popped into my mind, about doubt and faith cannot be in the same thought. You either have one or the other. And then the words to the hymn, I will not doubt, I will not fear popped into my mind. I ran those words through my mind. and then a reminder thought popped up ...reading the what if book of my future imaginings was as much a waste of time as reading the if only book of the previous years of my life. What if...dealing with the future. If only... dealing with the past. I can't change either one. One dealing with worry over non-existent future happenings and the other dealing with guilt/regret over a past event. A total waste of energy. I pulled my thoughts into the present and breathed deep and looked at how things really were at that very moment. Now is called the present because it is a gift. (not my original idea but one that impacted me when I read it years ago)
And that present moment, was a good place to be, as I drove down the freeway and looked at how wonderful things are right this second! He can talk. He can walk. He can feed himself and all those simple tasks that get you going for the day. Rehab is strengthening all those areas! At that moment, that very moment, all was well.
Last night when I came home I got out the Hymnal and read/sang/hummed #128.
When Faith Endures
I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God's love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My Trust, my prayers, humility,
His Spirit guides;
his love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.
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