Sweet Relief

After I wrote my blog on the 11th, and examined the emotions that led up to it, I really gave it a lot of thought and prayer.  I've really been gifting myself with this year of health challenge and along with that goes emotional health also.  I've worked through a lot of issues in that 8 month stint of learning about my emotions and felt totally ready and excited to move on to the healthy living aspect.  My mind was clear and ready and not boggled with things over which I have no control.

Something seemed out of sorts with my annual whine fest about poor me and birth-Mom's etc. etc.  I realized that the feelings weren't ever on my mind, this jealous insecurity or whatever you would label it, but it did surface like clockwork on Mother's day and then 2x in March- on birthdays.  Maybe occasionally, when I knew of  their involvement with my sons, I would have tears or the likes.  Private and kept to myself.  and of course Terry would know.

When challenged with setbacks, of some event/situation/circumstance, that I need to deal with and move on, I will give myself an actual time limit on how long the pity-party can go on.  When the clock strikes that hour then it needs to be dealt with, managed, and filed under.... The Whew File- another life experience that I survived/conquered/figured out. Whew!

This monster in me surfaced with our 2nd adoption and that was years and years ago.  And then the birthMoms entered the picture about 18 years ago.  How embarrassing to hang on to those troubling/heartache/heartbreak emotions and to have never set a time limit on it, to get myself moving to resolution.  Find a solution!!!

Maybe it was because it wasn't a 24/7 feeling that I didn't really deal with it.  I don't know.

This I do know though.  I need my mind clear and focused on health and this was a brain drain emotionally and I need every ounce of courage and common sense and peace within myself to succeed.

So I decided to give myself one  more gift, and how appropriate that it was completed by Mother's Day.  Let it go.  Face it.  Warts and all.  And use the power of the Atonement and ask the Lord to take it.  To drop this burden at his feet and leave it there!  If I feel to talk about it, in an objective way, that is one thing but to turn inward with all this negative emotion?...not healthy.  even yearly.

O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. --Alma 31:31

And I headed to the Temple.  Alone.  Terry wasn't feeling all that sharp.  This gave me time for reflection and pondering and prayer.  My heart was tender and I was ready to let these feelings go.  For the last time.

I arrived and decided to get my Temple recommend out of my purse as I'd changed it from where I usually keep it.  Two purse searches later, and the car, and the pavement, and it was confirmed that I had left my recommend home.  So there I was, outside of where I wanted to be inside, but that was Justice/Consequences/Ten Virgin story all come to life.

Deciding to walk around the grounds and just stay focused and calm and prayerful,  I started out.  The grounds are beautiful, peaceful, conducive to the Spirit.  I sat on the bench and thought that I knew the interior and knew the window by the dressing room.  A little prayer of thanks for our Temple that I love.

Headed around to the back and faced the outside window of the Celestial room and even in daylight could see the sparkling chandelier.  I thought of creative marriage proposals that could take place there.  

Being totally alone I decided to pray.  I 100% believe that the Lord looks to our hearts and he knows us.  He knew of my sincerity and my desires.  I love and use a scripture many times in my life, for the promise that it holds and I decided to use it then.

It's Mosiah 4:24.  the part where King Benjamin tells them- if you cannot give because you have not but you would if you could, then that's okay.  I figured if I could go into the Temple to pray then I would.  Outside the Temple, sitting on that bench, was as close as I was getting that day.

It was a wonderful time of intensive prayer and I dropped my ill feelings, my burden, right there.

Feeling very peaceful and thankful, I walked on around by the fountain and enjoyed being alone with such beauty.

Coming to the front entrance I decided to just step into the entry way and just sit for a minute to- as close to the interior as possible.  A sister greeted me.  I explained I'd left my Temple Recommend at home.  She surprised me by saying....come with me.  I can help you.   I said....but I don't have my Recommend with me.  She said....I can help.

I had no idea- if you are a current Temple Recommend holder and for whatever reason arrive without it, you can fill out a slip of paper with your name, birthdate, Ward & Stake  name and they can verify it on the computer!!!

No, I didn't go to a session because my session had started, as I'd wandered for 30 minutes, and other ordinance work was filled.  Nonetheless I felt the tender mercies of the Lord.  My petition was heard and granted.

And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.  Ps. 50:15