Do you have a little spot buried deep in your heart that surfaces in all it's blackness occasionally? I do. I know the Lord looks to my heart and He knows it's there and He also knows that I've battled it for years.
Two of my 5 children are adopted. Several years back when they met their "birth-Mothers", I found there resides way down inside of me, negative emotions, to put it mildly! I found out that I am jealous, possessive, pained, selfish, territorial, angry and all of those emotional unpleasantries that no one wants to own up to, when these two women surface.
They are wonderful women. Strong LDS women. Temple going women. Testimony laden women. They are everything I should be in the situation and even though some might describe me, in the words I described them, I fall miserably below their standard.
They have always been kind, loving, sweet, appreciative and good to me. I'm the one that doesn't reach out. I don't stay in touch. One dear soul wanted to be friends. Real friends. Maybe we'd write an article or something. share our story. I could only go so far in reaching and meeting and then my demons would surface with those feelings of this is my life. I got up with him at night. I took care of him. I love him. He's MY boy. Not yours. You have no shared history with him. None. He's my family. I do not want to share my child with you.
I see women much younger than I deal with this in a much more civil loving embracing way. I'm happy for them. Then I hide my heart riddled with feelings not worthy of mentioning.
My boys have no problems with this situation and are as involved, with these givers of life, their lives, as they choose to be. They have reassured me that I am their Mother but it was so stormy when all of this unfolded and I tried to be strong for them and not upset them but I didn't do real good, in my assessment.
For a long time there were TV shows reuniting Birth Moms and the children, now adults, that they'd adopted out, and invariably one of them would say...the hole in my heart is now filled. A friend and I were talking years ago, about the fact that it didn't have those of us that had adopted on the show because we were sitting home bawling our eyes out. Our lives were forever altered with that reunion.
I realize that you can't have to many people that love your children and they do love these boys, uh, men. And they love their wives, my daughters-in-law. And they love my grandchildren. And they think of them as family, in some sort of way. There are pictures of my children in their family pictures. There has been a sharing of special events with them. Now why does that not make me happy? As my Mother would say....I'm an old biddy!
That is an apt description of me...an old biddy.
Each year at Mother's day I really think of them and the gift they gave me. Entrusting me with lives to love and cherish. Making it possible for me to have these boys in my life. So tonight I wrote them a note of love and appreciation and an apology for my humanness. They will find it all to familiar in tone but hopefully they will be the superior women they have always been and treat me with compassion and reassurance just one more time.
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