Years later, while he was in the deepest of depressions, in intense therapy plus a 12 step program, he called me. Seeking forgiveness. I was less than nice in my response (I am so weak/mean at times!!) and yet my heart still felt for his suffering. I mailed him all sorts of books, thinking something would touch his heart and help him. Then we totally went our own ways.
He had entered my life as a 15 year old so that would make him 42-43? by now. He had exited my life about 18 years ago and we'd had no communication. My daughter sent me a note with a blog post he'd written.... Mother, I read this and felt so sad for him.
I read it and felt what he'd written was poignant and gave a perspective of being gay that I'd never considered before. I sent him a note and told him how touched I'd been with what he'd written, that I missed him and the love I had for him had not diminished and I would enjoy seeing him and visiting.
He responded with a ... Yes. He was coming home for Christmas to a nearby town. (He now lives in Germany.) So Sunday afternoon he came over and we visited for over 2 hours. was it 3? it was a long time. A great time.
Our losing contact had nothing to do with him being gay. When we visited he told me that his inner struggles about being gay and having not yet come out, caused him to hurt a lot of those people that loved him. Within the Church we so love those youth we are involved with and he named some other Ward friends that he'd wounded besides me. Others that loved him as I did.
He was one of those charming youth with great talent...singing, playing piano. Wit. Humor. Great speaker. So much fun to be around and talk with. Handsome. He still has that gift of gab, talent, and handsomeness.
We talked about his lifelong desire to serve a Mission, staying worthy to serve and how it was everything he'd dreamed of and how great it had turned out for those 2 years... how he told his parents he was gay... how he'd taken on BYU to get the Church to change it's policies and be more accepting of Gay students...Students that were living all aspects of the honor code, as he was, at that point. He is now openly gay and no longer rallies in any way for the Church to change it's policies. After feeling he'd fought and not made great inroads, he realized he had no more desire to fight for anything changing within the Church, feels it won't change and just wanted to get on with his life.
We understood, without discussion, that we weren't trying to persuade each other to change or point fingers of blame/shame. We each accepted that he is gay and chooses that lifestyle and feels at peace about it. Equally it was understood that I am a staunch believer in my religious faith. He knows how I feel and believe and endeavor to live because he has walked in my shoes of LDS faith. I, on the other hand have no experience in his new world, nor desire to have.
We talked about the Church stance encouraging members to not render harsh judgement. He thought that was a much needed move. (I forgot to mention the new Church website for gays to him. He is not seeking help or reconciliation with the Church but I wish I'd told him about it. Maybe he already knows)
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ELDER OAKS: The First Presidency made a wonderful statement on this subject in a letter in 1991. Speaking of individuals and families that were struggling with this kind of problem, they said, “We encourage Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding to those struggling with these issues.” Surely if we are counseled as a body of Church membership to reach out with love and understanding to those ‘struggling with these issues,’ that obligation rests with particular intensity on parents who have children struggling with these issues… even children who are engaged in sinful behavior associated with these issues. (full interview and other data is found here )
This Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history, when we were too few in numbers to adequately protect ourselves and when society’s leaders often seemed disinclined to help. Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. This is particularly so in our own Latter-day Saint congregations. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment - to love one another. (full Church statement is found here
Both of these quotes are only a paragraph out of much more information. So read both articles in their entirety. I just printed these 2 paragraphs on how we should conduct ourselves, in our own feelings, towards those involved in such action or desire. There are several other articles that will pop up when you go to either of the above sites.
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I have a friend, now living on the East Coast. We moved from Anchorage to Homer in 1971. One day she called and told me about her son. He was gay. It broke her heart. It also broke his heart. He stepped out in front of a truck and tried to kill himself. He could not move past the guilt and shame he felt. Eventually he married and was miserable. At the end of his relatively young life, he was so off mentally, that when he died, his Mother just hoped he had peace and felt he was better off not living.A few years after finding out about her son, she called me. There was a howling on the phone. I couldn't even recognize her voice and was trying to figure out who it was and what was happening. It was her, feeling like she would die from the pain, as now her oldest daughter was gay also. Last week when I talked to her, she shared that was the worst moment of her life when she found that out. The pain was more so than any she'd ever felt and remains so this day.
I have friends with gay children that have to deal with siblings rejecting sibling, court battles for grandchildren, family reunions, holiday celebrations, etc. etc. Talk about estrangement! What a challenge to figure out. No matter what the situation. How do you deal with being ostracized? blamed? wagging tongues? Ward members choosing sides? Complicated challenges for all of us.
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I thought of this part of my creed. A main focus. This seemed fitting to loving unconditionally. by Elder Uchtdorf ...
I
am not suggesting that we accept sin or overlook evil, in our personal
life or in the world. Nevertheless, in our zeal, we sometimes confuse
sin with sinner, and we condemn too quickly and with too little
compassion. We know from modern revelation that “the worth of souls is
great in the sight of God.” 4 We
cannot gauge the worth of another soul any more than we can measure the
span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly
Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we
should treat our fellowmen.
One
woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her
tears, “I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar
bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a
20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like
much and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the
full 20 dollars.”
Entire talk..."You Are My Hands" here
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I also thought of a talk, my all time favorite given by a High Councilman, several months ago. He was talking about the scriptural account of the lost coin. He pointed out that while the coin was lost, and couldn't be found, and couldn't be seen, it had not lost it's value while missing. My young friend, in my estimation, is lost but he has not lost his value. He won't agree with my observation just as I won't agree with his explanation. I believe that we 100% feel right in our individual life choices and at the same time, 100% disagree with each others choices.
I also believe that we love each other as dear friends. Friends with parameters of protection and acceptance... but embracing/sharing what the other deems essential, for their own life path, will never be enjoyed together.
His blog.... here
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