At 3am I sit in a chair in the dark, eyes welled up with the same tears from a few hours earlier that never meander, they just puddle with no spilling over. True I don't have boulders in my backpack any longer. True I took that burden to the Temple, left it, didn't pick it up on leaving and have dealt much better with my jealous nature on this adoption saga. I have a pebble in my shoe. Maybe over more time I will sometimes feel sand? on to dust? Or maybe I will be ever shaking pebbles out?
I read my heavily red penciled 2 Nephi 4. I can identify with his feelings in my own seemingly small situation when voiced and yet large to me as it interrupts and it does "destroy my peace and afflict my soul" and "Why am I angry because of mine enemy?"
First of all they aren't even enemies! It's all about me!! My jealous, selfish, possessive nature!! My sin!!!
For 20 years I've dealt with this feeling of others being involved in my child's life. My feelings are not Christian as I'm so jealous.
The birth Mother says it was to have been an open adoption. I would never have agreed to that. I'm not modern enough for an open adoption. I don't believe in nor do I like the idea. You adopt to give the child a set of parents. A Mom and a Dad. I didn't agree to raise him with someone else's input. I didn't want their advice. I don't want to share my child in the decision making process.
I don't view adoption as foster care/joint custody/day care or the likes. I'm a believer in eternal families. I gave birth to 3 and adopted 2 of my children. Everything was fine in my book until this whole other group of individuals entered my child's life. So you have us and then you have the birth-Mother's family and maybe even the birth-Father's family for just one child.
One by one. It starts out as birth-family and the birth-mother is called by her first name. Then time goes on and you start to have birth-sisters, birth-brothers, birth-aunts, birth uncles enter the picture. First a visit to the birth-Mother's home. And it eventually morphs into Birth-family reunions. Pretty soon they are just called sisters, uncles etc. Oh, I'm so jealous! Chopped liver. That's my feeling.
One of my son's birth mother recently visited a mutual friend of ours! Green eyes staring back at me from the mirror. Then he visited his sister. only 3 hours away from us!! Uh...no call to us!
So the boy is no longer a boy. He's a man. He has a wife and children. He met his Birth-Mom 20 years ago. I'm trying to be adult and act like a daughter of God should. My recovery time is much quicker than it used to be.
I understand the truth, that at times is painful to me because it is not of my choosing. I chose to adopt and love the child. I agreed to that. I wanted that. I did not bargain for a van load of fans with claim tickets on a portion of my child's heart. True...you can't have to many people love your child and I should rejoice over the wealth of "relatives" in his life. But...I don't.
I remind myself...he is a man. an adult.
You know those puzzles for children...the ones that are on a cardboard and all the pieces are stuck together and you can pop the entire puzzle out and hold it in your hand in one big piece? Then you break up & separate the puzzle pieces, put them in a pile and endeavor to reconstruct the puzzle? Well, that describes my heart. children- be they homemade or store-bought-- are just snug and tight in my heart. a spot, just a perfect fit for each one. Once those heart pieces, even one piece is removed, even temporarily, and then replaced, it just doesn't seem as cemented, as snug as it once was.
Realizing that love is either there or it's not and you can't change anyone but yourself, I figured I better put a deadline on my feeling so envious/jealous/rather mean. Reread 2 Nephi 4. Got to pondering about the power of the Atonement. I have several favorite quotes about the Atonement.
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One is by Bruce C. Hafen-- Beauty for Ashes: The Atonement of Jesus Christ
"Some Church members feel weighed down with discouragement about the circumstances of their personal lives, even when they are making sustained and admirable efforts. Frequently, these feelings of self-disappointment come not from wrongdoing, but from stresses and troubles for which we may not be fully to blame. The Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to these experiences because it applies to all of life. The Savior can wipe away all of our tears, after all we can do.
"In Luke 4:18, Jesus quotes part of a passage from Isaiah that describes the heart of his ministry. The Isaiah passage reads: “The Spirit of the Lord … hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; … to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, … to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion … beauty for ashes.” (Isa. 61:1, 3; italics added.)
"The Savior’s atonement is thus portrayed as the healing power not only for sin, but also for carelessness, inadequacy, and all mortal bitterness. The Atonement is not just for sinners."
http://www.lds.org/ensign/1990/04/beauty-for-ashes-the-atonement-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng
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Another is by John H. Groberg from Trust the Lord"I testify that no one has or ever will experience any set of circumstances, be they disappointments, betrayal, pain, persecution, suffering, or whatever, that cannot and is not swallowed up in the Savior! You can feel no hurt, emotional or physical, that He has not already felt. There is no combination of human emotions or physical illness or suffering that cannot find refuge in the Savior's sacrifice for us. He knows how to help us. He wants to help us. Please let Him."
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Just as we have to learn to access God through our personal prayers we have to learn how to access the Atonement in our personal lives. Lives that aren't always sinful but lives that cause us pain and we experience emotions that aren't really square with the standards of the Gospel.
I just need to let things fall where they may, with this situation, with faith that the Lord is aware of all parties concerned and nip it in the bud even faster next time. Jealousy is not pretty to see!!
With gratitude I gladly accept the beauty of the Atonement and plead for help with my envy/jealousy of this singular situation.
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