Thanks for waiting for me to return!! It's been rather hectic around here to say the least but I think things are now leveling out and returning to our NewNorm.
I was glad I did my trip to see my sister. She is really fighting for her life on many levels. I'm impressed with how she handles the whole experience. We both said...See you in the Spring!! Hopefully that is a reality and not just wishful thinking! She sort of pestered me again about doing her obituary while I was there. I finally told her that I love to write but on something as personal as an obituary, for my own sister!, that I need private time and to be able to just do it without it being checked over etc. etc. She agreed so that is off of her to-do list. well, more like off of my assignment list from her. All of the other details she wanted settled are done. Funeral arrangements etc.
Terry has had some real challenges due to a side-effect of a Rx that he's been on. He spent a bit in the hospital and is now on the mend.
Our life is no more challenging than any other mortal! Just takes a lot of new coping skills and figuring out how to deal with things that have not been a part of our daily life...ill health...no strength...low/no energy. All that sort of stuff that is a pain to deal with and slows your normal living down to a snails pace.
But...it's okay. We will rise above it. We will figure out great ways to cope.
When I was heading back from Idaho I got in a sort of funk, thinking about things and mentally reading, the coulda/woulda/shoulda book. We all have those little personal life books in the recesses of our brains. They are not a good read. As a person ages, the print seems bolder and darker, and new topics appear. So there I was doing a life review of doubts/fault-finding type things.
Finally I realized I was being sucked down a self-made vortex, that would only land me in full blown depression, if I bought into believing what I was thinking about. Do you ever feel bad over decisions you've made, at different times in your life, and think why did I do that or think that or say that? To feel you know better so why didn't you do better? So I stopped that stinkin' thinkin' right then and did the only sensible thing...broke into tears and started praying out-loud!
Tears withheld are such a relief when released! A good cry just feels terrific when it's justified!
From there I started thinking about why sometimes people feel bad and wish they'd done different. Parents are prone to feel failures many times. I talk to young Moms, with their bird-nests full of birdies, endlessly crying for food or the likes, already feeling a failure at times. A mother isn't the only one that has the feelings of haven't failed ...lots of women do. All sorts of women...no matter the age or marriage or no children or a full quiver...sometimes flail on themselves.
I reminded myself that the past is to learn from but not to live in.
In the past I had learned the power of consequences. Seeing someone you love make choices and blast the dream plan and see consequences settle in is overwhelming. I used to feel it was over. all was lost. There was no hope.
There is a grieving process when when we realize dreams will not come true in regards to our children. Especially in the Gospel. Hearts are shredded in brokenness when lifetime plans of Missions or Temple Marriage or Embracing the Gospel in full activity or being confronted with a Declaration of no testimony...no doctrinal belief...no more activity...a division that sometimes becomes estrangement.
I have learned that it is true the original dream may be gone BUT as the consequences settle in, a person can regroup. Life lessons of learning about unconditional love and how to apply it...learning practical application of the Atonement..reminding yourself that the Lord loves this person with a love even greater than you do. He cares. He will help you. He will help your family member.
We have to learn to dry our tears and roll up our work sleeves, by getting on our knees, and listening for the Spirit to direct us.
I have lived what I have written but that is not my life now. I know of others going through this same thing right now. My heart goes out to them.
My own challenges are right here in our tiny house. I have been reminded of the power of prayer. I shared an incident at Church that really touched my heart. One of our sons has had a cat for years and years. The children have grown up with the presence of Junior. An accident happened, Junior was taken to the vet, it was thought he wouldn't make it but decided to give him a couple of days. He spent a night at the vets and they brought him home to see if he'd improve.
Digressing...Terry had been in the hospital and we were thinking thoughts like....stroke possibility?...heart attack possibility? Just thinking those sorts of things in the midst of sleepless nights etc.
So things were hectic here and then I had this quiet thought ...call and see how Junior is. I called and the family had just walked in from telling final goodbyes to Junior. It was a sad time. I was glad I had called.
The impact of that thought coming to me, in the midst of relative chaos, really hit me hard. In the midst of real life the Lord still cares about all the details. Even a cat! This really brought it home to me, again, of the Lord's awareness of all details in our individual lives. How He loves us and cares for us and we can have faith that he will manage what he needs to manage and give us faith to allow him to do what only He can do.
My heart tonight is with those women that are suffering over choices their children have made that have caused unwanted consequences to be a part of their family.
No comments:
Post a Comment