Gifts

So I sent this note to my kiddos....

Well, I mailed off the check to the Union Gospel Mission and our family purchased 100 meals.  I just like the sound of that number better than what I first said.  So a lot of folks will eat inside where it is warm (it’s freezing and snowy here now) and not be alone and get a traditional holiday meal.  I hope they have some good memories of another day and time when they were with their families.  I hope the children got some gifts from a kind Santa.  Merry Christmas to all of us! 

It felt right and good to do this, as there is way to much commercialization of Christmas in the world!  I considered a donation for a water well or buying a goat for a family in some far away land.  What I would really like to be involved in is a micro-loan...for this year though - a Christmas dinner for many is the choice!

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This so tender about gift wrapping...  here

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Christmas is all about love.  I'm still thinking about loving my sister.  When she was 20 or so she had a real challenge in her life that was so traumatic and she was battling life on her own.  I was so impacted by her being abandoned, that is the only word that comes to mind, and so wounded within myself at her aloneness and pain and plight, that something inside of me rose up.  A fierceness, a loyalty, a devotion, a determination that no matter what happened to her for the rest of her life...I would always be in her corner.  I would always have her back.  She would never be without me.  I would never be against her.  I would always be there for her.

The aftermath was that I did that right to the end of her life and her letter to me attests to that fact.  It made me happy that I'd been her protector in ways that only she and I knew.  The downside of the choice I made was I lacked closeness and connection with her 4 daughters.  They love me and I love them but we are not as close as things coulda/woulda/shoulda been.  Dixie had a lot of resistance/opposition in personal relationships including her ex-Mother-in-law.  She had a lot of pain but she also had a lot of happiness.

She had the ability to create beauty and surrounded herself with an abundance of it.  She loved.... top of the line fake greenery and had it all over her house...and lace...and teacups...and gorgeous furniture...and beautiful clothes...and sparkly jewelry...and properly coiffed hair...and make-up done to the nines...and bargains- for her/her family/her friends...and HSN/QVC...and her friends...and eating out at restaurants or eating in with friends for lunch.  And on and on and on....!

This picture (propped up on my bookshelf) is so representative of her.  She slipped her oxygen line off and is holding it in her left hand and the line is on floor behind chair and you can see the stash of oxygen bottles there.  She has her full make-up on.  (When she was at our house or McCall or wherever...she'd get up early to be ready for the day and be all dolled up!  Terry never once saw her without make-up!)  She is wearing an outfit and it has a pink satin blouse.  she seldom wore pink but she wanted a picture taken in this special purchase (in real life it was stunning with the bead work on it) and then she gifted it to her oldest daughter for a memory gift.  She loved her clock and had shopped for days to find just the right one.  The cane back chair was from a Red Lion Inn, that was changing out furniture.  She had found the chairs were $279 in a catalog and she got them for $27 dollars.  She bought and gave chairs to everyone!!  She immediately had hers re-upholstered in animal print.  To her dismay and being slightly miffed that I didn't act at once on the 6 she gave me, she was always threatening to take them back!  that is why she gifted things and wouldn't let you purchase them...technically they were still hers and she could call the shots.  Mine still aren't done but they are gorgeous chairs.  I see the mirrored chandelier refection of her small formal dining room and am reminded of her knowing exactly what she wanted and nothing else would do.  She carried in her purse for years a picture of a glass top dining room table with 4 armless white upholstered chairs with seat-skirt to the floor.  Always feeling she had a "shopping angel" and always knowing that what she wanted would turn up, she waited and kept looking and one day what she wanted would turn up. The replica of her magazine picture did turn up.  The exact replica.  I have that paper that she carried around for so long.

She is in a good place now and not in pain and I feel she is happy.  I miss her but not to the point of not living my life to it's fullest.  That honors her- by me living my time on earth to the fullest.  I will do so with gusto.  IF I can muster up the gusto!!

Lilting

a lilting frame of mind...a sense of lilting.  Can that noun be used beyond some sort of musical experience?  Well, I'm thinking so- as I sensed the pleasure of lilting this morning.  A very relaxed and comfortable and comforting emotion.  all wrapped into familiarity of those that I was with. 

As I ease back into my life, minus trips to Eagle and care for Dixie, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for my Church membership.

All I did was attend a baby shower.  In and of itself, no different than the hundreds of other baby showers I've attended over my lifetime.  The usual gender colored table setting and treats and gift table and silly games that we all seem to draw blanks on the obvious answers.

Today was a pink theme and we all oh-ed and aw-ed at the adorable baby clothes.

It was the first time in a long time that I've attended a social with this group of women that are valuable to me.  They all knew that Dixie had passed on.  Some are more comfortable with that fact than others.  I waved hello and went and sat with a neighbor who for the moment was setting alone.

There was something so serene to me about being there.  Did I talk to everyone?  Greet everyone?  Did everyone come say hi to me?  No. No and No.  Did I care?  Did it matter?  No and No.  I was just there because I wanted to be.  Did I know all of the women there?  Yes, with the exception of one young woman.

I had no expectation except to just be there.  AND I loved it.  Chelle and Joyce are friends that are so supportive and they sat with me.  Others also.  I enjoyed hearing about the Cub event (what was it called?) and just chit-chat about life happenings.

The weather was hot and I always cover up (you don't see camel riders doing their desert riding unless they are covered!)  Everyone else looked cool and summery and happy and relaxed.  so pleasant to be in that mode!

I was reminded again of the blessings and benefits of church membership and the value of regular attendance.  That affords me the luxury of being surrounded by tenderness and kindness and caring allows me to have that lilting sensation.

Lilt: a light pleasant rhythm

I could easily picture every woman in a flower dress and sunhat, fanning herself, dabbing her brow with her lace-edged hanky, and enjoying the iciness of cool fresh water.  Beautiful caring women that I love to associate with.  That is the relaxed way I felt. 

I know.  I know.  I get carried away descriptively but really it was the best feeling to feel lilty-like!  Still lingering and I'm soaking it up!

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Dixie loved recipe books.  She loved to read them and mark everything with sticky notes that she felt sounded delicious.  I'd give her recipe books for her birthday on occasion.  After her diagnosis, I gave her more recipe books and then would occasionally buy the same one for me.  Then she'd call me and tell me what to look up and we'd talk about it.  Today I sorted through some of the books she had my niece return to me.  so now I have several duplicates...Church Supper Cookbook/Essential Mormon Cookbook/Dinnertime-Ree Drummond/make it ahead-Ina Garten.  Plus  Southern Living cookbooks.  I will gift them to friends and family.  I love seeing the sticky notes spilling over.  She marked a lot!

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Our grandson had his 4th major surgery today.  Hopefully he will now be able to get on with healing.  He will go to a nursing home rehab to learn how to maneuver in a wheelchair and how to live without standing on his feet.  no walking at all.  maybe for 2-3 months.  we will find out as he progresses past this operation what the rehab plan is. 

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The evening before I left for the funeral I had an accident in the roundabout over by ShopKo.  I was headed towards the freeway and was on the outside aiming towards the freeway home.  A big truck, that I thought was on the inside track, hit his center bumper on my left rear by the light/and the lower fender area.  He said I did not yield.  I really don't know how I hit him when he was behind me but I do know it was just a bit to much for me to handle right then.  It wasn't his finest moment as he jumped out of his truck, waving his arms and yelling at me.  I just started sobbing and said my sister just died.  I don't know if I thought this gave me an excuse or what but it was just overwhelming to have him hollering at me.  A friend had offered to drive me over for the funeral and I did think that maybe I'd need help but the car was okay.  I was totally rattled.  Terry was kind and wonderful.  I called the Ins. company and they were so kind and told me to get in touch when I got back.  I'm now ready to get in touch with them.  I do not like stuff like this.  (Later that evening the man called and apologized for his behavior.  Poor guy.  He was really waving his arms and yelling)

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I love the teachings of the Gospel and the comfort it gives me.  I know Dixie is doing just fine and I need to be doing just fine also.  Getting back into living life to the fullest, with enjoyment, is the way I want to live.  There is still a lot on my plate but so is there on yours.  that is how life is.  Let's live.

Plans carried out...

Surely it has not already been 10 days since she slipped away.  Surely not!  and yet today the impact of her leaving and impacting a shift and change in my life, that is now my new reality, in regard to my normal routine with her.  This is the time of day that I'd give her a call and see how her day had gone...check on whether this would have been an up or a down day by her estimation...and just chit-chat.  She'd tell me HSN and QVC shows for me to watch (which I never did) or some upcoming TV show that she thought I'd enjoy or a new recipe that she'd read about and wanted me to try.

Our Mother passed away in 1999 and from then, until 10 days ago, Dixie and I talked daily.  As her illness progressed we increased the numbers of our daily calls.  Sometimes we had long conversations but mostly it was just that long conversation, broken up into shorter sound bites. 

When you don't live in the same town, then your grieving is impacted by the need to just pick up the phone, as always...then it dawns on you- oh!  she's gone!!!  I did this with both of my parents and now it will be with her...ready to call and realizing. It's over.

Three of my 4 nieces handled all of her desires on funeral arrangements and it was exactly as Dixie pre-planned it and wanted it.  Remember she wanted it at the mortuary...nothing "Churchy" or preachy from speakers...wearing her white suit with some sparkles on it....make-up/hair/nail polish/sparkly earrings--all to perfection. 

(one of her daughters could not deal with the funeral.  Dixie had talked to her and reassured her it would be okay and her sisters all understood that fact)

There were probably 200 people there and it was wonderful to meet so many of her friends.  Friends that I'd heard about over the years and recognized some of the names.  She has been retired for years and I wondered if business friends would be there, after such a long time and no contact...they were there!

Her sweet son-in-law, Scott, conducted the services and as the last speaker, he did talk a bit about the plan of salvation, and her goodness and the fact of all of us will eventually be resurrected.  It was beautifully done and I'm sure Dixie was pleased, even if he did bring scriptural doctrine briefly into the day!

You know by now that Dixie had unfailing faith in the principle of tithing...personal priesthood blessings (but only by the same 3 men--my Terry/her son-in-law Scott/& Arnold -husband of her best friend Linda)...& prayer was always happening with her.  She had tremendous faith and felt strongly that the Lord knew her heart and understood her reluctance, her personal reasons, to not embrace all of the Gospel.  She would say...He understands.

You're aware of how prepared she was in the handling of her estate and it went off like clockwork.  She'd even met with the realtor and made arrangements for her handling the sale of her house!

There was a fee for using the mortuary, that doubled, if the service went over the allotted time.  Therefore all speakers were told about their time and to stay on task.  No one went over!  I was the last speaker of 4 and you know how that goes when you are last... you may end up with 30 minutes or 30 seconds! 

I had thought and thought of what do you say about someone, your sister, that has lived 75 years and condense it down to 5-7 minutes????

I don't deal well with reading notes or typed pages when I give a talk, so I just decided to focus on the one thing she wanted...her 4 daughters to unite and bond and care for each other throughout their lives.

I showed some of her sparkly jewelry and shared things, that I knew all who knew her well, would recognize as her personality and traits.  I then told that 55 years ago she'd experienced a harsh, undeserved experience in her life, by those who should have known better. I made a promise to myself to be a loyal sister and would never side with anyone that was against her-- for any reason.  I would be there for her.  And I was.  When she died I had no regrets and no guilt.

We were different and yet connected in the uniqueness of being sisters.  I shared that it was much easier to be close to friends than to have siblings be your close friends but that was what Dixie wanted for her 4 daughters.  I shared how Dixie and I were different in many ways but we made it work and to realize that I have no regrets or guilt is a beautiful feeling. Reads kind of abrupt but it was not that blunt! 

Our youngest son, Ben, flew in from Nevada and our second son, Greg, came from Utah plus his daughter Britta drove in.  I'd told them that I'd be okay but they all 3 came.  It was sweet support. It was such a blessing for me to share that afternoon with them.

One thing that you would have enjoyed...people were startled when they saw me!  They were taken aback by how similar we looked!  They thought we looked alike, sounded alike, talked alike, gestured alike- so they were startled!  I'd hear little intakes of breath and see eyes widen and eyebrows raise.  Some said it was comforting...lots of smiles and chuckles from others.  I'd never met my oldest niece's children and they were really surprised!  It was a fun sort of experience getting hugs for looking like my sister!  I wore some of her sparkly jewelry in her honor and that made me look more authentic!

I remember when our Mother died and we readied her house for sale.  On the last walkthrough, devoid of every single solitary thing that had been in her house, it was a shell.  It hit me then --we live...we learn...we leave.  I had the exact same feeling as I took a last walk through Dixie's house.  A house that she loved so much and had created such beauty with so much finery of her choosing...  Chandeliers and lace and greenery and china and crystal and teacups aplenty and paintings and everything to her liking.  Beauty everywhere.  Just like her!  Now a white empty shell, with not one smidgen of my sister remaining there.  Nothing.

Everything meted out according to her plans on that master list we did a few months back.  Treasures, her treasures dispersed and heading out different directions, to now be enjoyed by others, and a reminder of a very important person in so many lives. 

Details so fine, right down to the last week of her life, giving me her bookmark!  I'll take a picture of that bookmark and share with you later.  It's jeweled!--of course!

My personal life has been altered and now I will not be leaving and going to Eagle as I have been doing.  Greg is still here and he will be leaving...  I am still catching up on sleep...I'm just about ready
to get on with my life.  That is what we have to do.  Live while we are still living.

I was reminded of Ecclesiastes...a time to be born and a time to die.  I was also reminded of a picture that an Alaskan friend posted from her Matanuska Valley home.  Age and health and other challenges made her close up her green house and garden.  It's so symbolic for life and it's seasons.  Dixie was blessed to live 75 years and experienced all seasons of life. 

I'll end with sharing a writing that represents Dixie's feelings about her dying.  She was unafraid to leave.

Last Trip to Eagle...

Good morning.  Heading over to Eagle.  It will seem very strange to not have her in her house for the first time.

I had a wonderful Temple session yesterday.  Very peaceful and calm.  I'm still trying to condense 75 years of life into the 5-7 minutes for my talk.  I'm the last speaker so you never know how much you will end up with...could be 12 minutes or 1 minute.  There is a fixed time schedule as it's being held at a mortuary.  Dixie's choice.  I'm more used to rather open time at the Church.  I'm good at closing on time so I'll watch the time.

I'll check back in with you when I get home.

Thanks for your love and prayers.  Very much appreciated.

A quiet time.

I've not had any crying jags but just a steady welling of tears that spill over and glide down my cheeks.  It's a quiet time of introspection...thinking of my talk for her funeral...gratitude for her courage and peaceful exit from life which was just as she desired--in her home, surrounded by family...and personal thankfulness that I have no regrets in our relationship.

When we were girls we shared a full-size bed.  Each time I went over to see her, I'd climb up on her bed and we'd visit.  This last time she was talking to me about when we were girls. 

I'm enjoying quiet solitude.  Just mulling over life...mine...hers...everyone's...life's purpose. and... the amazing strength and comfort the gospel gives.

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Kim, our granddaughter, shared this yesterday about our grandson...

Update on Kip:
Thank you all for the love and prayers. Kip had his 2nd surgery today. It took 6 hours to repair the damage. Kip's doctor said it's the worst injury he has seen in a long time. Surgery went well, however Kip lost a lot of blood and required a blood transfusion. He is currently in critical care, but stable. Even in his current state, my amazing husband is still making jokes. Love this guy.

The Leaving...

She is gone.  I can't believe I write those words and know they are my new reality about my sister.  She is gone.  8:20am.  She left.  She is gone.

As you know I've been going over to Eagle to be with her and last week my daughter came in and we went over together.  Jeanee has a special relationship with her Aunt...a faux Mother/Daughter with none of the drama that sometimes enters into female relationships.  It's a rarity and beautiful to behold.  Jeanee and I have no drama either and when the 3 of us get together we have fun!

Dixie was so desirous to have things in order before she left and each time I went over we worked on one more thing to help her reach her goal.  We previously had readied a list of recipients of her things.  Then the next time we worked on recipe books of her favorite recipes.  It was so cute because her youngest Grandson wanted her recipe for Cinnamon toast and also her brownie recipe.  We laughed about that as we had copies made of a Duncan Hines brownie mix.  This time she wanted to finish up boxes.

One of her older Grandsons when asked what he wanted of her material things told her...all I want is a handwritten letter from you to me telling me what you want me to know.  So...boxes we did!  She knew what she wanted in them...a book selected specifically for each of them...lyrics from the song I hope you Dance...a long list of specific to do's that she'd found in a magazine that she wanted them to refer to if they wanted to know what her advise would be...a framed picture of each recipient with her...a framed picture of just her and I can't remember what else was in those treasure boxes.  White boxes all tissued-paper up.  And THEN the piece de resistance...a hand written letter, ususally 2 pages long, laid flat in the box (don't fold it.  I hope they will read it in years to come and you know how folds damage paper- her instructions!)  and then a card about she would be their angel and then the book royal seal...No.  Not waxed with a stamp but sealed with lipstick kisses all over!

Her hand writing was so lovely and she wondered if in the future would people know how to read cursive and would an interpreter be necessary for her letters.

We were kept busy having things copied or laminated or buying frames or tissue paper or boxes and making sure each one had her specifics enclosed.  We had the ribbon she wanted but that did not get tied on but we put the ribbon on top of the boxes stored in her near empty closet.

She also wanted to do cards for friends but energy was gone and by then she was on morphine and thinking and communicating dwindled away.  I brought home cards for 2 of my friends that she wanted them to have...a cookbook for one friend and a coat for another.  She loved them because she had met one and she always sent her cards and the other she loved because she loved me and was so good to me.  I also have the 5 cards for my children.  unsigned but she wanted them to have them anyhow!

Jeanee arrived at midnight on Wednesday and we left early the next morning for Eagle.  We left the following Thursday to come home as Jeanee had a flight on Friday to New York.  On Saturday my niece called and said Dixie wasn't going to make it.  I drove back on Saturday and spent time with her and felt she was going to live longer and ended up leaving on Sunday to come back here as our Grandson was in an accident and Kipper needed to go be with him.  So I came back yesterday and she passed away today.  Monday morning.

She was still able to be roused and respond yesterday and we said our good-bye with me saying I will be back.  When I got in the car and drove away I realized that I was at peace and should she go that we'd said our good-bye and it was okay.  She started loosing consciousness after I left.  Her daughters and her good friend were with her and she had a peaceful ending without pain.

When Jeanee and my sister and I get together we always have the best time and we party.  We had our project planned and she had all of those letters to do and then we did one of her favorite things...she loves to eat out and has specific restaurants that she likes so she'd state what she wanted and Jeanee would go get it and we'd feast at home.  She had clams/trout/ribs/loaded baked potato/onion rings/chicken/Jeanee's spaghetti that she favors over all others/blueberries/watermelon.  At first she ate hardy and then she cut back and by Wednesday she was eating hardly anything.

A part of that no appetite was due to the fact that Hospice started her on Morphine and an anti-anxiety Rx.  She had her 1st dose on Tuesday and still managed to finish the end of one letter and the her last full one.

From there she took to her bed and that was it.

I share this because as Jeanee and I look back we realized we spent the last week of her life, with her being full faculties etc. and having fun and laughing and eating and doing her projects and just like a Hawaiian sunset, you know how fast it gets dark over there!, it was over and she was gone.

I'm glad we didn't waste any time that week but just lived life to the fullest without knowing we were racing against the sand in her life-allotment hourglass.  What a privilege to share that time with her and have her laugh and have fun and do her project to completion.

I just wanted to share with you---  Live life to the fullest...create joy...and above all...live to have no regrets.  I have no regrets with my sister and I and our relationship.  She was 75 and wow!...I am going to miss talking with her daily.

I have pictures of our wonderful week together but right now...I'm tired and going to bed.  I cannot really believe she is gone!!  Oh, I will miss my sister so much.  The gospel is my comfort and gives me strength as I prepare to speak at her funeral.

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As for our Grandson....
Our Granddaughter posted on FB...

Family and friends,
This weekend Kip was in a horrible mountain bike accident. He flew about 15 feet in the air, when he landed the impact sent his femur smashing through his pelvis, breaking both the right and left side. He underwent his first surgery yesterday, will have the second tomorrow and most likely the 3rd on Friday. It will be several weeks before he can walk. Kip is in a ridiculous amount of pain and has a hard road ahead of him, but he is in good spirits. Those who know Kip know how amazing, strong and driven he is, he'll get through this and be even better than before.

Steel rods with 10 and 25 pound weights are going through his hip and knee to ensure that the bone doesn't go back through the pelvis.

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So our son Kipper is over there and we are here taking care of his pups.  Our Grandson is 35.  tomorrow he will have a 4 hour surgery and then 3 days later he will have another lengthy surgery as plates and bolts and pins are put in.

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I hope this is not a depressing blog.  Not meaning it to be.  It was so strange to not call Dixie this evening, per usual, and see how her day went. I am being blessed with peace and I'm so thankful.  Silent tears just seep out but it's okay.  She is okay and that makes me feel okay.

I love the gospel.  Sweet is the gospel for sure.

Pictures later.  okay?

heading to bed. 

all day I've had peace mixed with tears and gratitude.

goodnight.

Prayers for our grandson and my nieces and well, just our whole family would be so appreciated.

Heading to Eagle

my daughter arrived a few minutes ago from Florida.  We will head out in the early morning to head over to Dixie's.  We will stay a week.  Dixie has no idea that Jeanee has flown in and we will have fun surprising her.  She has weakened a lot and it's good that she has Hospice care.  I'm thankful I get another time to be with her.

more when I get back.

thanks for being you and being kind and patient with my inconsistent blog posts!

Back from Idaho

Good morning to you!  I've missed talking with you!  Just got back last night from Idaho and helping with Dixie.  Took some pictures to share and wouldn't you know it?...I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to get them out of my camera and on this page...not to be at the moment!  With my zero tech skills, that barely handle the on/off button, I'll have to get help.  again!

So much to get caught up on.

Dixie continues to be brave and non-complaining as her health continues to nose-dive.  It's like she levels out, figures out how to maintain avoiding Hospice in self-care and family-care, and then she plummets to a new low.  Right now she needs someone there 24/7.  She has 4 daughters, a magnificent neighbor that is a close friend, along with another dear friend since they were both 22 years old (Dixie is 75) plus a group of 4 friends that do lunch and me.  She has an assortment beyond those but those are consistent friends.  She also has a VT that is faithful and checks on her plus, you and I know, she also has a bevy of RS sisters at the ready, to help in other than 24/7 but that group is not on her list as she does not attend Church.  It's family time as the main helpers and that is as it should be.

She feels a sense of urgency to get some details finished up.  She has a white suit now and the lavender dress previously mentioned is out of the running for funeral attire.  I picked up the pink nail polish she wanted and hoped it was the right color.  It wasn't.  But...she found putting two coats with another color was perfect for what she wanted.  Women that were teens in the 50's are detail oriented and outfit coordinated right down to the minutest thing!  (Loved that era and she has stayed true to that marvelous way of dressing.  She was showing me a catalog that had a navy dress that we both thought gorgeous and she said...oh, white chalk would be perfect with this!  I agreed.  White chalk was a jewelry that all of our generation had in our little jewelry music boxes.  Most nowadays wouldn't know what that means, if you say white chalk jewelry.  Or if you say...that's a dilly...that's a doozy...what a pill...whoa nelly..that's a humdinger.  we speak 50's when we are together!)

Off track.  sorry.  Anyhow she gave me a Dutch oven.  A reddish one!  6 quarts.  Plus she gave me her Kitchen Aid.  The Dutch Oven is new because her old one was given to her by two of her friends and she keeps it out on her counter and wouldn't want them to think she gave it away.  The Kitchen Aid is the end of an era in her life.  well/often used for years.  Cooking/baking days are over.  She wants me to have something to think of her when I cook/bake.  It was a sweet moment when she said good-bye to her kitchen friend!  I will cherish it.  I filled a freezer section with TV dinners for her.  Others will bring her home-cooked plates on occasion and family etc. but she wanted to have something to microwave.  Now she does.

Two years ago my friend, Myra Faye, passed away.  The very end of her life she was so concerned about birthday cards for her family that weren't in readiness to mail.  I helped her with those.  I saw the same concern with Dixie on some recipes that 5 of her grandchildren wanted her to share.  Especially a 13 year old boy who had his birthday yesterday.  I remembered how heavy that weighed on Myra Faye and saw that same look on Dixie's face and feeling in her voice.  So we tackled that project.

Between choosing, her poring over specific cookbooks, finding recipes taped inside cupboard doors etc., getting copies made at Staples, sorting, cutting, gluing etc....we got it done!!  She had a blank sheet recipe book for the 13 year old and it turned out just as she wanted.  plus she wrote a few out by hand and put notes on them.  This boy loved her brownies and pleaded with her to share the recipe for them and cinnamon toast! She taped the cover of a Betty Crocker Brownie mix and told him that was her secret recipe.  Cinnamon toast...toast/butter/sprinkle sugar and cinnamon! We both laughed at those recipes that he feels are so outstanding and only she has the recipe!

(her penmanship is still awesome as she does not use her computer or type at all so for a lifetime she has done cursive.  mine?...typing fingers and physician Rx scribble penmanship!) 

I was happy for her when the task was done.  she was so relieved and satisfied and glad.

Anything you are procrastinating on doing for your family?  I have letters to write to mine!  One of her grandson's wants her to write a letter about what she has learned in life and what she feels is important.  A daughter also requested a letter from her.  Will that get done?  I don't know.

I feel to do mine.  I've had 5 copies of I Hope You Dance in book form along with the CD that is to accompany my letter.  I just checked the copyright date, the year I purchased them.  2000!  16 years ago!!!!  Yikes!  feeling to do something and actually taking action and doing it are light years in distance.  I don't seem to understand that idea!!

Going to have to show you pictures later (when I get help from son)  Speaking of son...Did I tell you Greg came to visit?  and our Grandson and his family?  can't even remember!!

Time to get this rodeo going and round up the dust bunnies and use that Kitchen Aid and think of my Sissy.

so much more to say about Grace and what I'm learning but for now?....get busy working around here!

In the midst of a miracle...

What a privilege it is to watch a miracle unfold right before your eyes!  Hour by hour!  Even with all that you see, as rock solid evidence that something miraculous is happening, your mind has difficulty believing that everything is real!!  Nothing like a picture to prove my point. We left the day after Thanksgiving, on a Friday and returned home yesterday on a Thursday.  So in that 6 day time-frame  I saw her go from this...

Friday evening arrival

I just crawled into bed with her and she poured out her heart.  Jeanee took a sneak picture and I'm now glad she did. Dixie was telling me of her ER ordeal and how she wouldn't sign for hospice as it didn't feel right to her for this time...someday the time would be right but not now.

So that was a bit of a mix-up as all of that had to be straightened out paper-work wise.  My niece was there and she handled all of that and I just focused on Dixie.  You know that she and I go on a yearly sister trip so we had a house-bound sister trip.  Plus she had her own angel, my darling daughter, that she loves so much.  Dixie has flown to Florida, in the past, to spend time with Jeanee.  So the 3 of us love to be together.

She hadn't been eating and drinking but when we arrived her food-fest appetite returned.  She said she felt like she was eating her "last meal" as she requested Jeanee to make spaghetti and then it just escalated with her favorite meal requests.  Artichokes & king crab!!??  We laughed and visited and heard her whisper voice get stronger and stronger.

We reminisced over shared memories.  I read a letter from our mutual Alaskan high-school friend, Natalie, and we both had tears over her words.  (She and Dixie were cheerleaders all 4 years of high-school.  She sends her love and thanks, Natalie)  and we looked at endless recipe books!!  She collects recipe books and marks them with sticky notes.  She pretty much never cooks any of them but she marks dozens.

I took other pictures but can't figure out this new computer yet.  I copied the two pictures shared today!  I'll share mine later.

Sometimes in life you have to see something to believe it!!  plus you can't find words to express it!  That is how these last few days have been!  At first I did feel that she wouldn't live long.  I even wondered if she would die while I was there.  I spent one night crying about who-knows-what.  Thinking of missing her and then thinking of us singing a duo in the Baptist Church as girls- In the Garden.  The lyrics ran through my mind. I thought about our parents.  I thought about our Grandmother Clark...our Aunt Bonnie.  My mind flitted around and it was a sleepless teary night.

And then I saw her get stronger and more alive and more positive and it was so amazing!  Why on earth I didn't write down what I saw??!!  I do not know!!  Miracles all over the place!

It's winter storms right now and we never travel after Halloween.  And I stopped flying a few years back.  Miracle of miracles...my son-in-law, Scott wanted Jeanee to fly out and drive me over!!  And there was the miracle of the weather.  A one day opportunity that the storms ceased, the roads were great and we breezed along.  Same thing returning home!  One day clear, with storms coming in from both sides, and this lovely swath of a lane for our travel.  Fantastic!

I have to plug friendship...a best friend of mine offered us her sturdy vehicle, that would be better than my car, in inclement weather.  People are so kind and so good...Checking on Terry and dropping off food, including delicious banana bread last night!  I'm overwhelmed with the kindness of people.  So the weather coming and going was a miracle.

When we arrived Dixie's eyes had that cloudy look, when we left they were bright and alive looking.  Yes...she is still on oxygen 24/7.  Yes...she is limited in her walking ability as her oxygen level plummets.  Yes...she still requires 24/7 care.  BUT...she is getting stronger and more determined and she ended up happy and joyous.  Yes...she still has Interstitial lung disease  but she has been blessed with an extension perhaps?  a little reprieve?  she really wants to be independent again and not have 24/7 care.  She is fighting to bring that about.  Yesterday she got a motorized wheelchair and she is happy about that.  We have planned our next get-together for April 21.  Jeanee will fly in from Florida and I'll drive over.

I got my original desire...one last time of hugging her and visiting with her and laughing and sharing our hearts.  IF she should die anytime soon...I will have this most marvelous stupedous glorious memory...ever!  She said this visit surpassed any other we've had.  In part because Jeanee was there and they have such a speciallness in their Aunty/Niece relationship.

Thank you for your prayers and love!

Life is happening. real life.

This last week I've really thought a lot about my sister.  Thanksgiving has filled my thoughts with memories.  The weather just brings out sentiments galore.  As her health fails, my memory bank just keeps bringing up past shared experiences, and it's in the segment reserved just for her.  All scroll-y and fancy and be jeweled in honor of her love of bling with her name in equally scroll-y Spencerarian Penmanship...Dixie.

Her birthday is December 15th and for this year I have been planning a collage of pictures of the two of us as little girls.  I have several pics and they are really sweet to look at.  Sentimental things like that make her happy and she has seen some of them and commented that I was always protective of eh and had my arm around her.  That was what someone a full 2.5 years older does naturally. 

We shared a wonderful childhood and teen years during the magically 1950's.  We also shared our beautiful Mothers desire to make everything last as long as possible.  Now we didn't share the desire to do that time extension but we shared the fulfillment of what our Mother did.  We each endures a Toni permanent yearly.  Given the night before school started so it would last longer into the school year!  We hated those corkscrew curls with lines showing where every rod had been placed and wound so tight our eyes were pulled to a slant!  We also endured weekly shampoos at the kitchen sink with a vinegar rinse that Mother would pull the hair, to make sure it squeaked clean, and let her know that all soap was gone.  We also endured shopping for school shoes and Sunday/party shoes.  We would plead for fashionable shoes and she only had one thing on her mind...brown leather oxfords with brown laces.  She was always pleased that the shoes lasted until we outgrew them and because she bought them a larger size for a long lasting wear...they would see us through until the next school year.  We also shared the delight of gorgeous patent leather shoes for special occasions...Church and special parties or gatherings at friends or the likes.

We shared a beautiful Mother.  A look-alike Ava Gardner.  I thought my Mother was the most beautiful woman in the world.  My DixieLou, was also graced with Mother's beauty.  She has style and flair and class on so many levels.

When I was thinking about that collage picture, a few days ago, I remembered a dress that Mother had made each of us.  Twin dresses.  When I grew taller and the dress was to short on me, then mother would cut through the skirt and extend the length by sewing in a wide band.  Dixie and I were laughing about some of the hand-me-downs she got that had been worked over.

You know this summer I've been with her quite a bit and getting her household items allocated for when her time comes to exit life.  On one of my trips over she emptied an entire large drawer of scarves.  She loves scarves and she said...take these I'm not going to wear them anymore. I ended up taking some that I really liked and then divided the rest into 4 piles, packaged them up and gave them away at our Christmas in McCall.  I have DIL'S and granddaughters that enjoy scarves.  One recently wore one to a concert so they are getting used.

A couple of weeks ago I was looking for my personal stash of sister gifted scarves and could not find them.  Today I found them!!  I opened the sack and was overwhelmed with her perfume scent.  It was so her!  She loved her perfume and always wore it.  I've cried looking at pictures.  I've cried reliving memories.  When I saw those scarves and that scent ascended, I cried again as I held them close.

She's not going to make it.  We never know when the specific time will happen for any of our life-leaving dates but hers is close.  She is in the hospital, they can't do anything for her and she's on Hospice as of this evening.  My sweet Sissy.  We have shared her entire lifetime!!!

My darling children are being so kind and sweet and good to me as I'm heartbroken right now. Who can find words about caring children and loving friends?  Jeanee will be here tomorrow afternoon and we will figure out when to go see her.  Maybe the next day?  I don't know yet.

I want to hold her and hug her and kiss her cheeks and tell her that I love her and she's been a wonderful sister to me and such a great friend.  Just one more time.  No matter how long she lives, I feel compelled to go now and reassure her that she will be fine...to not be afraid...that she will see Mother and Daddy....and share/remind her of all of those things that we know to be true.   I will see her again.  Love is so beautiful and causes such pain when we think about separating.  Even for a brief while.

I'm rambling.  I'll close and check in when I get back.

McCall #1 --Back home!

We are back!  Decided to just do two subjects on this first blog report....my sister and my daughter.

My Sister-

The day we got home was the day my sister, Dixie, had her 3 month follow-up appointment to find out the going-on with her Interstitial disease. She called that evening and the news is not good.  Grim.  Her conditioned has worsened and there is no plan in place to change the course of things as nothing else can be done.  They will take her off of steroids, keep her on the oxygen 24/7 and she will just live life to the fullest that she can.  I was so saddened when she called and we both shed some tears.  I knew when she got the original news that the odds were against her.

It was just tough to hear a Dr. tell her that it's going to eventually take her life.  Actually it wasn't the Dr. it was a PA or a nurse and that made her irritated and she is going to tell them so when she goes back next time.  She felt if someone is being told they are dying then the Dr. she is paying to care for her should deliver the news.  She told the nurse.  The nurse said the Dr. was with those that were worse off than she was.  That irked her too as she felt being told your life was going to end with the disease you have was serious.

The thing that is so wonderful to me is...she is not in pain all the time.  only when she coughs.

My take is...we know we are all going to exit life and I talk about exit-lane living.  Terry refers to the spawning salmon, swimming in clear water and then heading upstream, all dinged and binged up, fighting the elements to get home and finally exhausted making it!!  What ever you want and whatever way you want to think of it analogy-wise...we are all destined to depart this life and be separated for awhile.  That is where the beauty of the gospel rings in with such glorious truths!  Eternal life!

At this age you realize the party is winding down and you best make the most of it while the getting is good.

I called and visited with her friend, Linda, about the Dr. visit, as she went with her to take notes and ask questions.  when he delivered the verdict there was no need for any of our questions we'd wondered about.  As she said...the questions went out the window when he told her the news.  She said that he told Dixie several times to-- Live to live. Don't live to die. I really like that.  I believe that is the way to do it.  That is her aim.  She has friends and two daughters that live there in Eagle.  Plus 2 daughters in UT.  I plan to go see her in two weeks and we will play and party and drive around and do whatever she wants.

Although the Dr. would not give any timeline, my daughter looked online and found the usual life expectancy is 2-5 years.  No one knows how long she has had it.  None of us know our exit date either so we are all in the same boat, aren't we?

Just wanted to share and I will keep you posted along the way.

(Natalie, in UT.  go ahead and call her.  she got your letter and so enjoyed it!  love to you from both of us!  --Natalie is our former high-school cheerleader friend that was also LDS.  long before we joined the Church!)

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My Daughter-

This year we had a McCall mishap and Jeanee got injured.  This is such a miracle that she was so protected that I just have to share it.  It was towards the end of all our fun and lots were going to go mountain biking.  It's a 7 mile run on Brundage Mountain.  The winter ski slope.  you hop on the ski-lift, holding onto your bike and then head down a narrow trail.

Jeanee is adventuresome and had so much fun on her first run and felt there was enough time to go on one more run.  She and her hubby hopped on the ski-lift, got to top and headed down.  She was loving it and suddenly she hit something, propelled forward, hit a log with some cut-off branches??? (her best guess), and felt blood running.  she thought she'd broken her nose.  Not her nose.  she had a 1" long by 1/4" deep slice, directly down the middle of her eyebrow!  What are the chances of that happening?  That was one miracle but the other one was realizing her eyeball was not destroyed.  When you look at the glasses, and realize not one speck of glass was anywhere on her, you just have to believe in miracles and family prayer and private prayers!  it gives me the shivers when I see that one picture with her eye peeking through.

It was her night to cook and she had spaghetti going for dinner.  She kept telling the medic that she needed to get out of there do the spaghetti and he finally told her to stop being a Mom, that she was injured and needed care!  Dinner by the way turned out fine, she was there to eat, others stepped up to the plate...especially Brooke and Lorrie as I recall.  I went right to the hospital to see her.

Cassie and Sam also took a tumble and got scraped and a bit bruised.  Especially Cassie but Jeanee was the seriously injured one.  How thankful I am that she was so protected.  So blessed.

These pictures are not in order but you can get the gist of things.

ready for fun!

right after crash

This is the haunting picture!!  not a fragment of glass anywhere to be found!

family ready for fun!!!

on the hill. waiting for medic.

a few days into healing.  she had two little dot size spots on her nose.  one stitch was below brow on right. 7 stitches.

I am so thankful for this miracle!!!  so thankful!!!!!!