Surely it has not already been 10 days since she slipped away. Surely not! and yet today the impact of her leaving and impacting a shift and change in my life, that is now my new reality, in regard to my normal routine with her. This is the time of day that I'd give her a call and see how her day had gone...check on whether this would have been an up or a down day by her estimation...and just chit-chat. She'd tell me HSN and QVC shows for me to watch (which I never did) or some upcoming TV show that she thought I'd enjoy or a new recipe that she'd read about and wanted me to try.
Our Mother passed away in 1999 and from then, until 10 days ago, Dixie and I talked daily. As her illness progressed we increased the numbers of our daily calls. Sometimes we had long conversations but mostly it was just that long conversation, broken up into shorter sound bites.
When you don't live in the same town, then your grieving is impacted by the need to just pick up the phone, as always...then it dawns on you- oh! she's gone!!! I did this with both of my parents and now it will be with her...ready to call and realizing. It's over.
Three of my 4 nieces handled all of her desires on funeral arrangements and it was exactly as Dixie pre-planned it and wanted it. Remember she wanted it at the mortuary...nothing "Churchy" or preachy from speakers...wearing her white suit with some sparkles on it....make-up/hair/nail polish/sparkly earrings--all to perfection.
(one of her daughters could not deal with the funeral. Dixie had talked to her and reassured her it would be okay and her sisters all understood that fact)
There were probably 200 people there and it was wonderful to meet so many of her friends. Friends that I'd heard about over the years and recognized some of the names. She has been retired for years and I wondered if business friends would be there, after such a long time and no contact...they were there!
Her sweet son-in-law, Scott, conducted the services and as the last speaker, he did talk a bit about the plan of salvation, and her goodness and the fact of all of us will eventually be resurrected. It was beautifully done and I'm sure Dixie was pleased, even if he did bring scriptural doctrine briefly into the day!
You know by now that Dixie had unfailing faith in the principle of tithing...personal priesthood blessings (but only by the same 3 men--my Terry/her son-in-law Scott/& Arnold -husband of her best friend Linda)...& prayer was always happening with her. She had tremendous faith and felt strongly that the Lord knew her heart and understood her reluctance, her personal reasons, to not embrace all of the Gospel. She would say...He understands.
You're aware of how prepared she was in the handling of her estate and it went off like clockwork. She'd even met with the realtor and made arrangements for her handling the sale of her house!
There was a fee for using the mortuary, that doubled, if the service went over the allotted time. Therefore all speakers were told about their time and to stay on task. No one went over! I was the last speaker of 4 and you know how that goes when you are last... you may end up with 30 minutes or 30 seconds!
I had thought and thought of what do you say about someone, your sister, that has lived 75 years and condense it down to 5-7 minutes????
I don't deal well with reading notes or typed pages when I give a talk, so I just decided to focus on the one thing she wanted...her 4 daughters to unite and bond and care for each other throughout their lives.
I showed some of her sparkly jewelry and shared things, that I knew all who knew her well, would recognize as her personality and traits. I then told that 55 years ago she'd experienced a harsh, undeserved experience in her life, by those who should have known better. I made a promise to myself to be a loyal sister and would never side with anyone that was against her-- for any reason. I would be there for her. And I was. When she died I had no regrets and no guilt.
We were different and yet connected in the uniqueness of being sisters. I shared that it was much easier to be close to friends than to have siblings be your close friends but that was what Dixie wanted for her 4 daughters. I shared how Dixie and I were different in many ways but we made it work and to realize that I have no regrets or guilt is a beautiful feeling. Reads kind of abrupt but it was not that blunt!
Our youngest son, Ben, flew in from Nevada and our second son, Greg, came from Utah plus his daughter Britta drove in. I'd told them that I'd be okay but they all 3 came. It was sweet support. It was such a blessing for me to share that afternoon with them.
One thing that you would have enjoyed...people were startled when they saw me! They were taken aback by how similar we looked! They thought we looked alike, sounded alike, talked alike, gestured alike- so they were startled! I'd hear little intakes of breath and see eyes widen and eyebrows raise. Some said it was comforting...lots of smiles and chuckles from others. I'd never met my oldest niece's children and they were really surprised! It was a fun sort of experience getting hugs for looking like my sister! I wore some of her sparkly jewelry in her honor and that made me look more authentic!
I remember when our Mother died and we readied her house for sale. On the last walkthrough, devoid of every single solitary thing that had been in her house, it was a shell. It hit me then --we live...we learn...we leave. I had the exact same feeling as I took a last walk through Dixie's house. A house that she loved so much and had created such beauty with so much finery of her choosing... Chandeliers and lace and greenery and china and crystal and teacups aplenty and paintings and everything to her liking. Beauty everywhere. Just like her! Now a white empty shell, with not one smidgen of my sister remaining there. Nothing.
Everything meted out according to her plans on that master list we did a few months back. Treasures, her treasures dispersed and heading out different directions, to now be enjoyed by others, and a reminder of a very important person in so many lives.
Details so fine, right down to the last week of her life, giving me her bookmark! I'll take a picture of that bookmark and share with you later. It's jeweled!--of course!
My personal life has been altered and now I will not be leaving and going to Eagle as I have been doing. Greg is still here and he will be leaving... I am still catching up on sleep...I'm just about ready
to get on with my life. That is what we have to do. Live while we are still living.
I was reminded of Ecclesiastes...a time to be born and a time to die. I was also reminded of a picture that an Alaskan friend posted from her Matanuska Valley home. Age and health and other challenges made her close up her green house and garden. It's so symbolic for life and it's seasons. Dixie was blessed to live 75 years and experienced all seasons of life.
No comments:
Post a Comment