Merry-go-round rider.

So there I am on my pony, called Life, and going around in circles.  Reaching for the brass ring and missing it over and over and over.  Finally having an explosive outburst and yanking that blasted ring.  You hear of people having road rage with cars careening and speed limits exceeded.  At least they are moving!!!  Merry-go-rounds just endlessly circle, repeating same up and down rhythm as the circling never breaks the cycle, the same song over and over and over.  And over!!!!

Enough!!!!

My behavior ended up less than nice.  I did not conduct myself in the nicest of ways!

Here is what I sent my children....

Dad saw his Dr. yesterday. He is referring him out to a surgeon but the surgeon wants to talk with him, may do an upper GI. He is not your typical gall bladder patient (whatever that means!). They did a blood test yesterday to check his pancreas. His liver is a bit swollen. I'm very impatient and conducted myself less than nice over all the dinking around. slowly (my terminology) things are moving ahead (slow as watching grass grow!) It only took two verbal tantrums on my part to even make that much inching ahead a reality. Anyhow...I will keep you posted.

Have  you seen that Aspen Dental commercial?  That is how I felt!  

I felt like I was saying...your office said my husband needs surgery and he needs to see the Dr.   

and then the receptionist says...surgery? yes!  Dr.? no.  

 I say...he needs to talk to the Dr. about what the tests revealed and talk about whatever this surgery is.  we don't know.  He hasn't seen the Dr. since the first test.  We need to know what is going on.  

she basically says...surgery? Yes!  Dr.? No.  

PingPonging for what seemed forever!!  Merry-go-round melt down!!!

I say...he needs to get in to see the Dr.  we need an appointment.  this has gone on to long.  we don't even know what either of the test results were and now we here surgery is needed/scheduled.  

She says...Surgery? Yes!  Dr.? No.

You get the picture.

Then she says...I can schedule him for the 27th.  

Me...the 27th???  what on earth are you thinking???!!! he needs to see him TODAY!!! 

then it was back to...Surgery? Yes!  Dr.? No.

long story short. 

he forgot to put his hearing aids in and wanted me to go in with him.  I was not fit to be civil to anyone and yet I knew I needed to go.  So we get into the room.  BP taken. and she turns to him and says...Why are you here today?  The little fireworks growing from sparklers in my brain to a 4th of July display start igniting.  Yes, I see you were referred out to a surgeon but why are you here?  me "explaining".  Terry, quietly patting my hand, shaking his head no-no...Uh, honey.  I realize that I'm in way to deep emotionally and so plain old mad, that I say so, in front of the nurse, and tell him I'm leaving the room.  He says--oh, no, honey.  stay.  His eyes, sparkling with relief that I wanted to exit, let me know that he was not sincere in wanting me to stay!  I reminded him he couldn't hear, said good luck!, and theatrically (I'm certain of that!) exited stage left!

I did try to be nice when I came in and asked the receptionist if she was the one I'd been rude to earlier and she smilingly said no, that would be the call center staff.  I was relieved by that fact.

Oh, no sense in telling any more details.  when you err aren't you suppose to repent, let it go, and move on?  Doesn't merit retelling.  I'd barely recovered from the last time that I said I would not leave the clinic until someone told me about his test.  Is that a sit-in?  might I have been ushered out by security?

I received a beautiful note of love from a friend.  I told Terry that it made me so nervous.  Being a co-dependent (ever in recovery!!  one emotion away from crashing) you feel if they really knew me, I mean really knew me, then they wouldn't even like me!

Terry was comforting in a total male way...don't worry.  They see the real you through your blog so no one is fooled.  you have to love the guy for trying to make me feel better!  

So I finally repented last night before bed or I knew I couldn't sleep and I knew that I was much less than what I should have been.  Yes.  I needed to take action.  but the battle gear?  Not needed.  Not necessary.  should have just stuck to my guns, stayed calm and persistent.  Even in being endlessly given the run around, I should have been more patient.

After all it's only been since Feb. 10th!!! 

Still have ill will rumbling in my soul?  Methinks so!! 

And listen, you have a great day!  okay?

by 9am I will have let this totally go.  I will have worked my way through this. My self-imposed deadline.