Lilting

a lilting frame of mind...a sense of lilting.  Can that noun be used beyond some sort of musical experience?  Well, I'm thinking so- as I sensed the pleasure of lilting this morning.  A very relaxed and comfortable and comforting emotion.  all wrapped into familiarity of those that I was with. 

As I ease back into my life, minus trips to Eagle and care for Dixie, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for my Church membership.

All I did was attend a baby shower.  In and of itself, no different than the hundreds of other baby showers I've attended over my lifetime.  The usual gender colored table setting and treats and gift table and silly games that we all seem to draw blanks on the obvious answers.

Today was a pink theme and we all oh-ed and aw-ed at the adorable baby clothes.

It was the first time in a long time that I've attended a social with this group of women that are valuable to me.  They all knew that Dixie had passed on.  Some are more comfortable with that fact than others.  I waved hello and went and sat with a neighbor who for the moment was setting alone.

There was something so serene to me about being there.  Did I talk to everyone?  Greet everyone?  Did everyone come say hi to me?  No. No and No.  Did I care?  Did it matter?  No and No.  I was just there because I wanted to be.  Did I know all of the women there?  Yes, with the exception of one young woman.

I had no expectation except to just be there.  AND I loved it.  Chelle and Joyce are friends that are so supportive and they sat with me.  Others also.  I enjoyed hearing about the Cub event (what was it called?) and just chit-chat about life happenings.

The weather was hot and I always cover up (you don't see camel riders doing their desert riding unless they are covered!)  Everyone else looked cool and summery and happy and relaxed.  so pleasant to be in that mode!

I was reminded again of the blessings and benefits of church membership and the value of regular attendance.  That affords me the luxury of being surrounded by tenderness and kindness and caring allows me to have that lilting sensation.

Lilt: a light pleasant rhythm

I could easily picture every woman in a flower dress and sunhat, fanning herself, dabbing her brow with her lace-edged hanky, and enjoying the iciness of cool fresh water.  Beautiful caring women that I love to associate with.  That is the relaxed way I felt. 

I know.  I know.  I get carried away descriptively but really it was the best feeling to feel lilty-like!  Still lingering and I'm soaking it up!

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Dixie loved recipe books.  She loved to read them and mark everything with sticky notes that she felt sounded delicious.  I'd give her recipe books for her birthday on occasion.  After her diagnosis, I gave her more recipe books and then would occasionally buy the same one for me.  Then she'd call me and tell me what to look up and we'd talk about it.  Today I sorted through some of the books she had my niece return to me.  so now I have several duplicates...Church Supper Cookbook/Essential Mormon Cookbook/Dinnertime-Ree Drummond/make it ahead-Ina Garten.  Plus  Southern Living cookbooks.  I will gift them to friends and family.  I love seeing the sticky notes spilling over.  She marked a lot!

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Our grandson had his 4th major surgery today.  Hopefully he will now be able to get on with healing.  He will go to a nursing home rehab to learn how to maneuver in a wheelchair and how to live without standing on his feet.  no walking at all.  maybe for 2-3 months.  we will find out as he progresses past this operation what the rehab plan is. 

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The evening before I left for the funeral I had an accident in the roundabout over by ShopKo.  I was headed towards the freeway and was on the outside aiming towards the freeway home.  A big truck, that I thought was on the inside track, hit his center bumper on my left rear by the light/and the lower fender area.  He said I did not yield.  I really don't know how I hit him when he was behind me but I do know it was just a bit to much for me to handle right then.  It wasn't his finest moment as he jumped out of his truck, waving his arms and yelling at me.  I just started sobbing and said my sister just died.  I don't know if I thought this gave me an excuse or what but it was just overwhelming to have him hollering at me.  A friend had offered to drive me over for the funeral and I did think that maybe I'd need help but the car was okay.  I was totally rattled.  Terry was kind and wonderful.  I called the Ins. company and they were so kind and told me to get in touch when I got back.  I'm now ready to get in touch with them.  I do not like stuff like this.  (Later that evening the man called and apologized for his behavior.  Poor guy.  He was really waving his arms and yelling)

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I love the teachings of the Gospel and the comfort it gives me.  I know Dixie is doing just fine and I need to be doing just fine also.  Getting back into living life to the fullest, with enjoyment, is the way I want to live.  There is still a lot on my plate but so is there on yours.  that is how life is.  Let's live.

Onward...

When I'd leave Eagle to head home, I'd always tell Dixie...when you get to the other side, be sure and tell Mother and Daddy and Grandmother Clark and Da-daw and Grandma Ransdell and Aunt Bonnie hello for me...give them my love...give them a hug.  IF you can, then come see me or contact me.  She would always tell me...I will.

We were and are dealing with fields that we've neither walked in before.  Today I thought about the card that she gave to her daughters/grandchildren/friends/and my family also.  The outside/inside of the card reads...There's an angel watching over you...to keep you safe and always light your way.  For you're someone very special who means more than words can say.

No.  this is not some shared blog experience with life beyond this sphere.  (at least not yet)  but I've been thinking of angels and blogging about them a while back.  I remember this quote...

President Joseph F. Smith declared: “When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth, they are not strangers, but from the ranks of our kindred [and] friends . . . . In like manner, our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, of reproof and instruction to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.”

What a nice thought.  I think we will hear more and more about angels and have experiences more and more with angels.  Just my opinion.

Marvelous Treasures...here
The Angels Among Us.... here
Root Nourishing...here
Time to Think...here

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I am feeling a sense of renewal and feeling rested and ready to get on with my life.  I don't weep as much as I seep!  Trickles of tears not torrents.  Gliding/sliding down my cheeks in slow motion. Missing her and loving her.  Knowing she is living where she is and I must live where I am.  Not half-hearted but whole-heartedly.  Gusto!  Planning ahead and realizing that I won't be making those frequent trips to Eagle.  I need to figure out how to bring some balance into my life.

Always the house stuff!  Another organizing plan...Tidying-up!  A friend shared the plan and I'm going to try it out. 

Family...more letters/cards and endeavor to draw us all closer.

My Laurel class...love those girls and want to reconnect as I feel I've been gone a lot.

Friends...reconnecting with all of them.  Finally going to lunch, as has been talked about for a few months, with an equally busy friend.

Just life stuff...isn't it?  nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary.  Just living life and being grateful for it and enjoying it as much as possible.

I'll start a list!  Heading will read....Creating Balance in My Life!

Don't hold your breath on this transpiring BUT I will try!

Plans carried out...

Surely it has not already been 10 days since she slipped away.  Surely not!  and yet today the impact of her leaving and impacting a shift and change in my life, that is now my new reality, in regard to my normal routine with her.  This is the time of day that I'd give her a call and see how her day had gone...check on whether this would have been an up or a down day by her estimation...and just chit-chat.  She'd tell me HSN and QVC shows for me to watch (which I never did) or some upcoming TV show that she thought I'd enjoy or a new recipe that she'd read about and wanted me to try.

Our Mother passed away in 1999 and from then, until 10 days ago, Dixie and I talked daily.  As her illness progressed we increased the numbers of our daily calls.  Sometimes we had long conversations but mostly it was just that long conversation, broken up into shorter sound bites. 

When you don't live in the same town, then your grieving is impacted by the need to just pick up the phone, as always...then it dawns on you- oh!  she's gone!!!  I did this with both of my parents and now it will be with her...ready to call and realizing. It's over.

Three of my 4 nieces handled all of her desires on funeral arrangements and it was exactly as Dixie pre-planned it and wanted it.  Remember she wanted it at the mortuary...nothing "Churchy" or preachy from speakers...wearing her white suit with some sparkles on it....make-up/hair/nail polish/sparkly earrings--all to perfection. 

(one of her daughters could not deal with the funeral.  Dixie had talked to her and reassured her it would be okay and her sisters all understood that fact)

There were probably 200 people there and it was wonderful to meet so many of her friends.  Friends that I'd heard about over the years and recognized some of the names.  She has been retired for years and I wondered if business friends would be there, after such a long time and no contact...they were there!

Her sweet son-in-law, Scott, conducted the services and as the last speaker, he did talk a bit about the plan of salvation, and her goodness and the fact of all of us will eventually be resurrected.  It was beautifully done and I'm sure Dixie was pleased, even if he did bring scriptural doctrine briefly into the day!

You know by now that Dixie had unfailing faith in the principle of tithing...personal priesthood blessings (but only by the same 3 men--my Terry/her son-in-law Scott/& Arnold -husband of her best friend Linda)...& prayer was always happening with her.  She had tremendous faith and felt strongly that the Lord knew her heart and understood her reluctance, her personal reasons, to not embrace all of the Gospel.  She would say...He understands.

You're aware of how prepared she was in the handling of her estate and it went off like clockwork.  She'd even met with the realtor and made arrangements for her handling the sale of her house!

There was a fee for using the mortuary, that doubled, if the service went over the allotted time.  Therefore all speakers were told about their time and to stay on task.  No one went over!  I was the last speaker of 4 and you know how that goes when you are last... you may end up with 30 minutes or 30 seconds! 

I had thought and thought of what do you say about someone, your sister, that has lived 75 years and condense it down to 5-7 minutes????

I don't deal well with reading notes or typed pages when I give a talk, so I just decided to focus on the one thing she wanted...her 4 daughters to unite and bond and care for each other throughout their lives.

I showed some of her sparkly jewelry and shared things, that I knew all who knew her well, would recognize as her personality and traits.  I then told that 55 years ago she'd experienced a harsh, undeserved experience in her life, by those who should have known better. I made a promise to myself to be a loyal sister and would never side with anyone that was against her-- for any reason.  I would be there for her.  And I was.  When she died I had no regrets and no guilt.

We were different and yet connected in the uniqueness of being sisters.  I shared that it was much easier to be close to friends than to have siblings be your close friends but that was what Dixie wanted for her 4 daughters.  I shared how Dixie and I were different in many ways but we made it work and to realize that I have no regrets or guilt is a beautiful feeling. Reads kind of abrupt but it was not that blunt! 

Our youngest son, Ben, flew in from Nevada and our second son, Greg, came from Utah plus his daughter Britta drove in.  I'd told them that I'd be okay but they all 3 came.  It was sweet support. It was such a blessing for me to share that afternoon with them.

One thing that you would have enjoyed...people were startled when they saw me!  They were taken aback by how similar we looked!  They thought we looked alike, sounded alike, talked alike, gestured alike- so they were startled!  I'd hear little intakes of breath and see eyes widen and eyebrows raise.  Some said it was comforting...lots of smiles and chuckles from others.  I'd never met my oldest niece's children and they were really surprised!  It was a fun sort of experience getting hugs for looking like my sister!  I wore some of her sparkly jewelry in her honor and that made me look more authentic!

I remember when our Mother died and we readied her house for sale.  On the last walkthrough, devoid of every single solitary thing that had been in her house, it was a shell.  It hit me then --we live...we learn...we leave.  I had the exact same feeling as I took a last walk through Dixie's house.  A house that she loved so much and had created such beauty with so much finery of her choosing...  Chandeliers and lace and greenery and china and crystal and teacups aplenty and paintings and everything to her liking.  Beauty everywhere.  Just like her!  Now a white empty shell, with not one smidgen of my sister remaining there.  Nothing.

Everything meted out according to her plans on that master list we did a few months back.  Treasures, her treasures dispersed and heading out different directions, to now be enjoyed by others, and a reminder of a very important person in so many lives. 

Details so fine, right down to the last week of her life, giving me her bookmark!  I'll take a picture of that bookmark and share with you later.  It's jeweled!--of course!

My personal life has been altered and now I will not be leaving and going to Eagle as I have been doing.  Greg is still here and he will be leaving...  I am still catching up on sleep...I'm just about ready
to get on with my life.  That is what we have to do.  Live while we are still living.

I was reminded of Ecclesiastes...a time to be born and a time to die.  I was also reminded of a picture that an Alaskan friend posted from her Matanuska Valley home.  Age and health and other challenges made her close up her green house and garden.  It's so symbolic for life and it's seasons.  Dixie was blessed to live 75 years and experienced all seasons of life. 

I'll end with sharing a writing that represents Dixie's feelings about her dying.  She was unafraid to leave.

Last Trip to Eagle...

Good morning.  Heading over to Eagle.  It will seem very strange to not have her in her house for the first time.

I had a wonderful Temple session yesterday.  Very peaceful and calm.  I'm still trying to condense 75 years of life into the 5-7 minutes for my talk.  I'm the last speaker so you never know how much you will end up with...could be 12 minutes or 1 minute.  There is a fixed time schedule as it's being held at a mortuary.  Dixie's choice.  I'm more used to rather open time at the Church.  I'm good at closing on time so I'll watch the time.

I'll check back in with you when I get home.

Thanks for your love and prayers.  Very much appreciated.

A quiet time.

I've not had any crying jags but just a steady welling of tears that spill over and glide down my cheeks.  It's a quiet time of introspection...thinking of my talk for her funeral...gratitude for her courage and peaceful exit from life which was just as she desired--in her home, surrounded by family...and personal thankfulness that I have no regrets in our relationship.

When we were girls we shared a full-size bed.  Each time I went over to see her, I'd climb up on her bed and we'd visit.  This last time she was talking to me about when we were girls. 

I'm enjoying quiet solitude.  Just mulling over life...mine...hers...everyone's...life's purpose. and... the amazing strength and comfort the gospel gives.

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Kim, our granddaughter, shared this yesterday about our grandson...

Update on Kip:
Thank you all for the love and prayers. Kip had his 2nd surgery today. It took 6 hours to repair the damage. Kip's doctor said it's the worst injury he has seen in a long time. Surgery went well, however Kip lost a lot of blood and required a blood transfusion. He is currently in critical care, but stable. Even in his current state, my amazing husband is still making jokes. Love this guy.

Pictures

Not asleep yet.  decided to post last weeks pictures.  can't believe I didn't get a single picture of the food fest!  I know this is way to many.  Just quickly scroll!

writing letters

writing letters.  starting to fill first 5 boxes.

working on boxes

more boxes

boxes

same task

putting on lipstick to kiss envelope

watching ducks on her deck through her window

view out of her window

checking oxygen tank

writing letters

last letter

watching ducks

sleepover with her Aunty

sorrow

grieving

stash of boxes

Morphine and a peace sign!

saw this as I was leaving Eagle.  so symbolic.

The Leaving...

She is gone.  I can't believe I write those words and know they are my new reality about my sister.  She is gone.  8:20am.  She left.  She is gone.

As you know I've been going over to Eagle to be with her and last week my daughter came in and we went over together.  Jeanee has a special relationship with her Aunt...a faux Mother/Daughter with none of the drama that sometimes enters into female relationships.  It's a rarity and beautiful to behold.  Jeanee and I have no drama either and when the 3 of us get together we have fun!

Dixie was so desirous to have things in order before she left and each time I went over we worked on one more thing to help her reach her goal.  We previously had readied a list of recipients of her things.  Then the next time we worked on recipe books of her favorite recipes.  It was so cute because her youngest Grandson wanted her recipe for Cinnamon toast and also her brownie recipe.  We laughed about that as we had copies made of a Duncan Hines brownie mix.  This time she wanted to finish up boxes.

One of her older Grandsons when asked what he wanted of her material things told her...all I want is a handwritten letter from you to me telling me what you want me to know.  So...boxes we did!  She knew what she wanted in them...a book selected specifically for each of them...lyrics from the song I hope you Dance...a long list of specific to do's that she'd found in a magazine that she wanted them to refer to if they wanted to know what her advise would be...a framed picture of each recipient with her...a framed picture of just her and I can't remember what else was in those treasure boxes.  White boxes all tissued-paper up.  And THEN the piece de resistance...a hand written letter, ususally 2 pages long, laid flat in the box (don't fold it.  I hope they will read it in years to come and you know how folds damage paper- her instructions!)  and then a card about she would be their angel and then the book royal seal...No.  Not waxed with a stamp but sealed with lipstick kisses all over!

Her hand writing was so lovely and she wondered if in the future would people know how to read cursive and would an interpreter be necessary for her letters.

We were kept busy having things copied or laminated or buying frames or tissue paper or boxes and making sure each one had her specifics enclosed.  We had the ribbon she wanted but that did not get tied on but we put the ribbon on top of the boxes stored in her near empty closet.

She also wanted to do cards for friends but energy was gone and by then she was on morphine and thinking and communicating dwindled away.  I brought home cards for 2 of my friends that she wanted them to have...a cookbook for one friend and a coat for another.  She loved them because she had met one and she always sent her cards and the other she loved because she loved me and was so good to me.  I also have the 5 cards for my children.  unsigned but she wanted them to have them anyhow!

Jeanee arrived at midnight on Wednesday and we left early the next morning for Eagle.  We left the following Thursday to come home as Jeanee had a flight on Friday to New York.  On Saturday my niece called and said Dixie wasn't going to make it.  I drove back on Saturday and spent time with her and felt she was going to live longer and ended up leaving on Sunday to come back here as our Grandson was in an accident and Kipper needed to go be with him.  So I came back yesterday and she passed away today.  Monday morning.

She was still able to be roused and respond yesterday and we said our good-bye with me saying I will be back.  When I got in the car and drove away I realized that I was at peace and should she go that we'd said our good-bye and it was okay.  She started loosing consciousness after I left.  Her daughters and her good friend were with her and she had a peaceful ending without pain.

When Jeanee and my sister and I get together we always have the best time and we party.  We had our project planned and she had all of those letters to do and then we did one of her favorite things...she loves to eat out and has specific restaurants that she likes so she'd state what she wanted and Jeanee would go get it and we'd feast at home.  She had clams/trout/ribs/loaded baked potato/onion rings/chicken/Jeanee's spaghetti that she favors over all others/blueberries/watermelon.  At first she ate hardy and then she cut back and by Wednesday she was eating hardly anything.

A part of that no appetite was due to the fact that Hospice started her on Morphine and an anti-anxiety Rx.  She had her 1st dose on Tuesday and still managed to finish the end of one letter and the her last full one.

From there she took to her bed and that was it.

I share this because as Jeanee and I look back we realized we spent the last week of her life, with her being full faculties etc. and having fun and laughing and eating and doing her projects and just like a Hawaiian sunset, you know how fast it gets dark over there!, it was over and she was gone.

I'm glad we didn't waste any time that week but just lived life to the fullest without knowing we were racing against the sand in her life-allotment hourglass.  What a privilege to share that time with her and have her laugh and have fun and do her project to completion.

I just wanted to share with you---  Live life to the fullest...create joy...and above all...live to have no regrets.  I have no regrets with my sister and I and our relationship.  She was 75 and wow!...I am going to miss talking with her daily.

I have pictures of our wonderful week together but right now...I'm tired and going to bed.  I cannot really believe she is gone!!  Oh, I will miss my sister so much.  The gospel is my comfort and gives me strength as I prepare to speak at her funeral.

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As for our Grandson....
Our Granddaughter posted on FB...

Family and friends,
This weekend Kip was in a horrible mountain bike accident. He flew about 15 feet in the air, when he landed the impact sent his femur smashing through his pelvis, breaking both the right and left side. He underwent his first surgery yesterday, will have the second tomorrow and most likely the 3rd on Friday. It will be several weeks before he can walk. Kip is in a ridiculous amount of pain and has a hard road ahead of him, but he is in good spirits. Those who know Kip know how amazing, strong and driven he is, he'll get through this and be even better than before.

Steel rods with 10 and 25 pound weights are going through his hip and knee to ensure that the bone doesn't go back through the pelvis.

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So our son Kipper is over there and we are here taking care of his pups.  Our Grandson is 35.  tomorrow he will have a 4 hour surgery and then 3 days later he will have another lengthy surgery as plates and bolts and pins are put in.

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I hope this is not a depressing blog.  Not meaning it to be.  It was so strange to not call Dixie this evening, per usual, and see how her day went. I am being blessed with peace and I'm so thankful.  Silent tears just seep out but it's okay.  She is okay and that makes me feel okay.

I love the gospel.  Sweet is the gospel for sure.

Pictures later.  okay?

heading to bed. 

all day I've had peace mixed with tears and gratitude.

goodnight.

Prayers for our grandson and my nieces and well, just our whole family would be so appreciated.

Heading to Eagle

my daughter arrived a few minutes ago from Florida.  We will head out in the early morning to head over to Dixie's.  We will stay a week.  Dixie has no idea that Jeanee has flown in and we will have fun surprising her.  She has weakened a lot and it's good that she has Hospice care.  I'm thankful I get another time to be with her.

more when I get back.

thanks for being you and being kind and patient with my inconsistent blog posts!