Pictures

Not asleep yet.  decided to post last weeks pictures.  can't believe I didn't get a single picture of the food fest!  I know this is way to many.  Just quickly scroll!

writing letters

writing letters.  starting to fill first 5 boxes.

working on boxes

more boxes

boxes

same task

putting on lipstick to kiss envelope

watching ducks on her deck through her window

view out of her window

checking oxygen tank

writing letters

last letter

watching ducks

sleepover with her Aunty

sorrow

grieving

stash of boxes

Morphine and a peace sign!

saw this as I was leaving Eagle.  so symbolic.

The Leaving...

She is gone.  I can't believe I write those words and know they are my new reality about my sister.  She is gone.  8:20am.  She left.  She is gone.

As you know I've been going over to Eagle to be with her and last week my daughter came in and we went over together.  Jeanee has a special relationship with her Aunt...a faux Mother/Daughter with none of the drama that sometimes enters into female relationships.  It's a rarity and beautiful to behold.  Jeanee and I have no drama either and when the 3 of us get together we have fun!

Dixie was so desirous to have things in order before she left and each time I went over we worked on one more thing to help her reach her goal.  We previously had readied a list of recipients of her things.  Then the next time we worked on recipe books of her favorite recipes.  It was so cute because her youngest Grandson wanted her recipe for Cinnamon toast and also her brownie recipe.  We laughed about that as we had copies made of a Duncan Hines brownie mix.  This time she wanted to finish up boxes.

One of her older Grandsons when asked what he wanted of her material things told her...all I want is a handwritten letter from you to me telling me what you want me to know.  So...boxes we did!  She knew what she wanted in them...a book selected specifically for each of them...lyrics from the song I hope you Dance...a long list of specific to do's that she'd found in a magazine that she wanted them to refer to if they wanted to know what her advise would be...a framed picture of each recipient with her...a framed picture of just her and I can't remember what else was in those treasure boxes.  White boxes all tissued-paper up.  And THEN the piece de resistance...a hand written letter, ususally 2 pages long, laid flat in the box (don't fold it.  I hope they will read it in years to come and you know how folds damage paper- her instructions!)  and then a card about she would be their angel and then the book royal seal...No.  Not waxed with a stamp but sealed with lipstick kisses all over!

Her hand writing was so lovely and she wondered if in the future would people know how to read cursive and would an interpreter be necessary for her letters.

We were kept busy having things copied or laminated or buying frames or tissue paper or boxes and making sure each one had her specifics enclosed.  We had the ribbon she wanted but that did not get tied on but we put the ribbon on top of the boxes stored in her near empty closet.

She also wanted to do cards for friends but energy was gone and by then she was on morphine and thinking and communicating dwindled away.  I brought home cards for 2 of my friends that she wanted them to have...a cookbook for one friend and a coat for another.  She loved them because she had met one and she always sent her cards and the other she loved because she loved me and was so good to me.  I also have the 5 cards for my children.  unsigned but she wanted them to have them anyhow!

Jeanee arrived at midnight on Wednesday and we left early the next morning for Eagle.  We left the following Thursday to come home as Jeanee had a flight on Friday to New York.  On Saturday my niece called and said Dixie wasn't going to make it.  I drove back on Saturday and spent time with her and felt she was going to live longer and ended up leaving on Sunday to come back here as our Grandson was in an accident and Kipper needed to go be with him.  So I came back yesterday and she passed away today.  Monday morning.

She was still able to be roused and respond yesterday and we said our good-bye with me saying I will be back.  When I got in the car and drove away I realized that I was at peace and should she go that we'd said our good-bye and it was okay.  She started loosing consciousness after I left.  Her daughters and her good friend were with her and she had a peaceful ending without pain.

When Jeanee and my sister and I get together we always have the best time and we party.  We had our project planned and she had all of those letters to do and then we did one of her favorite things...she loves to eat out and has specific restaurants that she likes so she'd state what she wanted and Jeanee would go get it and we'd feast at home.  She had clams/trout/ribs/loaded baked potato/onion rings/chicken/Jeanee's spaghetti that she favors over all others/blueberries/watermelon.  At first she ate hardy and then she cut back and by Wednesday she was eating hardly anything.

A part of that no appetite was due to the fact that Hospice started her on Morphine and an anti-anxiety Rx.  She had her 1st dose on Tuesday and still managed to finish the end of one letter and the her last full one.

From there she took to her bed and that was it.

I share this because as Jeanee and I look back we realized we spent the last week of her life, with her being full faculties etc. and having fun and laughing and eating and doing her projects and just like a Hawaiian sunset, you know how fast it gets dark over there!, it was over and she was gone.

I'm glad we didn't waste any time that week but just lived life to the fullest without knowing we were racing against the sand in her life-allotment hourglass.  What a privilege to share that time with her and have her laugh and have fun and do her project to completion.

I just wanted to share with you---  Live life to the fullest...create joy...and above all...live to have no regrets.  I have no regrets with my sister and I and our relationship.  She was 75 and wow!...I am going to miss talking with her daily.

I have pictures of our wonderful week together but right now...I'm tired and going to bed.  I cannot really believe she is gone!!  Oh, I will miss my sister so much.  The gospel is my comfort and gives me strength as I prepare to speak at her funeral.

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As for our Grandson....
Our Granddaughter posted on FB...

Family and friends,
This weekend Kip was in a horrible mountain bike accident. He flew about 15 feet in the air, when he landed the impact sent his femur smashing through his pelvis, breaking both the right and left side. He underwent his first surgery yesterday, will have the second tomorrow and most likely the 3rd on Friday. It will be several weeks before he can walk. Kip is in a ridiculous amount of pain and has a hard road ahead of him, but he is in good spirits. Those who know Kip know how amazing, strong and driven he is, he'll get through this and be even better than before.

Steel rods with 10 and 25 pound weights are going through his hip and knee to ensure that the bone doesn't go back through the pelvis.

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So our son Kipper is over there and we are here taking care of his pups.  Our Grandson is 35.  tomorrow he will have a 4 hour surgery and then 3 days later he will have another lengthy surgery as plates and bolts and pins are put in.

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I hope this is not a depressing blog.  Not meaning it to be.  It was so strange to not call Dixie this evening, per usual, and see how her day went. I am being blessed with peace and I'm so thankful.  Silent tears just seep out but it's okay.  She is okay and that makes me feel okay.

I love the gospel.  Sweet is the gospel for sure.

Pictures later.  okay?

heading to bed. 

all day I've had peace mixed with tears and gratitude.

goodnight.

Prayers for our grandson and my nieces and well, just our whole family would be so appreciated.

Heading to Eagle

my daughter arrived a few minutes ago from Florida.  We will head out in the early morning to head over to Dixie's.  We will stay a week.  Dixie has no idea that Jeanee has flown in and we will have fun surprising her.  She has weakened a lot and it's good that she has Hospice care.  I'm thankful I get another time to be with her.

more when I get back.

thanks for being you and being kind and patient with my inconsistent blog posts!

Catch-up!

Where does the time go???? 

Greg came here.  I went to Dixie's.  Greg came back here.  I'm going back to Dixie's.  Life is happening and changing and sort of reminds me of the mercury I used to play with as a girl.  I know...it's bad stuff!  But in those days we evidently didn't know or no responsible adult knew?  Anyhow, at one time or another, we all had a blop of mercury to play with.  It could be dropped and it would separate into little balls and roll all over and then you could regroup.  sometimes you'd lose a smidgen.  it was all about being fascinated with it's unpredictability for a bit and then gathering it up and starting over.

My life.  A mercury blob?  A blop...cross between a drop and blob.  my word. 

Anyhow...things just keep changing and I keep trying to keep up with the changes.  Just when I think...this is manageable/I can do this/I AM doing this... is when a new formation surfaces!! 

I do understand that this is life.  My life and you know what?....your life also.  We are all experiencing mortality and it's all about dealing with the puzzle pieces in our boxes. 

Making the pieces fit into a perfect whole and creating a simply lovely picture of  our treks.  In the sort though, I see that some pieces are minus corners or the picture layer on several pieces has worn off or a piece looks like it got wet and puffed up and is misshapen and the box lid is gone that shows me the full picture and what my goal is.  This is simply scribbled on the side...your experience in mortality.  No other hints.

Yet you and I know, and you and I believe... We can do this!!  We can live and rise to the challenge and return from whence we came, with those trails of glory, ABOUNDING, in our wake!

So here I am the human WaveRunner...falling into deep water at times and flailing and choking and gasping and reaching heavenward.  Feeling the steadiness of heaven's help and moving on.  Not walking on the water but walking out of the water to dry land. 

Oh, dear me.  Ever the drama queen but really that is how my mind thinks.  and what am I thinking about?  Balancing life and accomplishing things by tapping into grace.

So much going on so I guess I'll write a little book of short essays....

Short Essay #1

I see the importance of fully participating in Ward activities.  I think a person can easily scooch themselves to the outskirts of fellowship by teeny decisions to not attend things.  Terry and I made the agreement that even if he couldn't go to things, because of his own health issues, that I would go and represent us and support Ward activities.  Recently a Linger Longer Luncheon became a monthly get together.  Yesterday was the 2nd one.  Terry had not made it to Church so I opted to come home after the block meeting to be with him.  Granted...I can't do anything specifically for him, but I just wanted to come home and be with him. 

Another thing the Ward has started is a monthly game night.  I chose to stay home from that also.

Terry and I talked about the importance of fellowship and supporting Ward activities and staying in the loop so to speak.  Truly a person could fade into the woodwork so easily, feel on the outside looking in, lose that connecting thread of association with fellow members if they aren't careful and tend to their Ward activity involvement. 

We decided that I will go even if he can't.

That being said...I won't be at the Memorial Day breakfast.  Don't judge!

Short Essay #2

Life is up and down and thus emotions are also.  I really enjoyed reading about the power of thoughts bringing emotions to the forefront.  In Mosiah 25...Mosiah had read the account of the people of Zeniff and also of Alma.  The people were amazed at what they heard and when they thought about the people involved and the stories of their lives, then their emotions bounced back and forth from...filled with exceedingly great joy...filled with sorrow, and even shed many tears of sorrow....raise their voices and give thanks to God...filled with pain and anguish.  all of that in 4 short verses  Mosiah 25:8-11.  These were listeners...hearing about the plight and the ups and downs of others and consequences for actions.  That is how my life, your life, our lives are...a mix of ups and downs.  seldom level playing field and the trick is to manage it and not get caught up in euphoria or depression but just enjoying the ride and figuring out how to stay on board.

Short Essay #3

I had my birthday!   very low-key and intentionally flew under the radar on this one.  Enjoyed it and here is a picture of what my children gave me...

note the pocket knife! not a new phone....phone calls!

also had peonies and I love peonies!  they were an accidental gift.  A friend bought them for herself and found she was allergic to this particular one so she gifted them to me.  Plus warm chocolate cookies for the day!

love flowers.  love cookies.  love friends. love family. 

Short Essay #4

Our first two sons are 18 months apart.  This did not make for best buddies but more like 2 gladiators that seemed to endlessly be fighting to the death!!  Both wonderful sons and loved dearly...of course! 

The oldest called the younger and mentioned some projects that he was attempting to do.  The younger drove from Utah and helped out.  Then another phone call and the younger volunteered to come back.  Older one said...Nah.  I'm fine.  Thanks though.  Then he changed and said...Actually I'm overwhelmed and frustrated.  His younger brother said...I'll be there tomorrow and stay 10 days.

And so he did that very deed!  As a Mother, there can be nothing greater than to know and see your adult children love and support and respect and enjoy each other.  It really touched my heart as I watched my two boys.  At dinner one night, I mentioned that fact.  I heard...Mom, we are two old men that creak and have aches when we wake up in the morning! 

To me though they are still my boys and I loved watching them work together.  I actually sat on a lawn chair and watched a living u-tube!  Terry sat in the street on his walker for his watching!!

Terry and Sophia

checking out finished product!

meeting of the minds!

Short Essay #5

Dixie.  My dear sister.  She now has one lung completely closed down.  Hospice workers are coming in Monday to get that service going.  This will eliminate Dr. visits and Pharmacy runs etc.  Her daughters will rotate staying with her.  I will continue my personal plan of staying a week each month.  I'm scheduled to go over on the 2nd.  As a surprise to Dixie, my darling daughter Jeanee, is flying in from Florida and will drive over with me.  They are very close. (These pictures are from a Woman's Art Retreat that she had longed dreamed of heading up.  Her dream recently came true!  This was from Cape Cod.)

When my friend, Myra Faye, had limited time left, her concern for unfinished business were birthday cards and a drawer full of recipes.  Time ran out to do the recipes but we did the birthday cards.  I was fascinated that Dixie had those same desires of cards and recipes.  We did her cards and then she worked on making recipe books for her grandchildren.  We did not get her recipe drawer emptied out and that is what she wants to work on when I go over this time.

These pictures are from my April visit.

showing me how she wants me to do my eyebrows.  using a toothbrush.

working on recipe books.  choosing which ones will be used.

Love this picture. Dixie working on recipe books.

She sent me home with a new Dutch Oven and her cherished Kitchen Aid.

just thinking.

Her allotted time is running out and I am again praying that she will hold out until I can be with her just one more time.  I cannot imagine her gone.  As Scarlett O'Hara said...Fiddle dee dee...I'll think of that tomorrow. Some things are best thought about when they actually happen and not prematurely.  It's enough to know she is going to leave.  For now I'll enjoy her stay.  Only the Gospel makes it possible to deal with life ending and separation happening.

The end of essays!  for now.

Thank you for your patience with my stop and start blog posts!

(Natalie...so sorry about your daughters cancer diagnosis.  No Mother wants to hear such grim news.  I appreciate your great faith and confidence in the Lords awareness of her.  He is also aware of you and your tender MotherHeart.  sending love and prayers your way. I will give Dixie your love.) (Natalie and Dixie were high school cheerleaders together in Anchorage.)

Pushki

The study of the application/living/embracing and endeavoring to understand how to use the enabling power of grace, in a personal way, continues and I'm enjoying it so much.  I did get somewhat sidelined though when I read this article...4 Ways What You Think Is Humility Could Actually Be Pride ....read it here   Me?...prideful?  of course not!  Oopsie-doopsie!  Isn't thinking you aren't prideful actually being prideful?  Anyhow...it was a great take, a great eye-opener and worth the read.  Plus the LDS author wrote a book that sounds interesting. (see below) 

In the article she mentioned 4 potential areas that one might think of as humility but end up off-balanced and becomes prideful. 

1- Self-deprecation
2- Obsession With How Others View Us
3- Excessive Worry About Others Choices and Righteousness
4- People-pleasing

All of us recovering co-dependents will recognize these 4 subjects!

Here is the book she wrote.  I don't think it's about the above article she wrote.

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The Burnout Cure: An Emotional Survival Guide for Overwhelmed Women       here

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also enjoy this..... very old, still true and well-known 1989 address.... “Beware of Pride,” by Ezra Taft Benson.  The picture on the Conference talk is President Hinckley but the written text is President Benson!  It is a fantastic Conference talk.  The counsel in this is priceless!!

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I was somewhat taken aback at this side road of realizing I was being chastised and needed some things pointed out to me about pride.  My pride.  Oh, my...just saying it smarts.  Sort of reminds me of accidentally brushing against Alaskan Pushki or more formally- Stinging Nettle.  Hairlike strands abound, like a needle, that injects pain and poison on your skin.  Blisters occur.  dreadful.  painful to the max.  it doesn't scar but boy, does it hurt. In my desire to incorporate the grace, as mentioned in Ether 12:27, I admit to asking for areas of weakness that I needed to address to be revealed.  Prayers are answered when we really want to know!  Extremely unpleasant but essential.  The article and the Conference talk were both of immense help in moving ahead.

So you say you want to see a picture of Pushki?  okay!  The strange thing about this plant is-- to pay no attention and by just charging through a patch of it, can do you harm.  But...harnessed through careful harvesting, with proper protective gear, this can this be rendered harmless and actually beneficial to health.  Much like the pride that is self-esteem and acknowledging that I am a valued daughter of God, and that is a good thing, compared to feeling at times and in some ways that certain aspects of humility are masking as pride!

Back from Idaho

Good morning to you!  I've missed talking with you!  Just got back last night from Idaho and helping with Dixie.  Took some pictures to share and wouldn't you know it?...I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to get them out of my camera and on this page...not to be at the moment!  With my zero tech skills, that barely handle the on/off button, I'll have to get help.  again!

So much to get caught up on.

Dixie continues to be brave and non-complaining as her health continues to nose-dive.  It's like she levels out, figures out how to maintain avoiding Hospice in self-care and family-care, and then she plummets to a new low.  Right now she needs someone there 24/7.  She has 4 daughters, a magnificent neighbor that is a close friend, along with another dear friend since they were both 22 years old (Dixie is 75) plus a group of 4 friends that do lunch and me.  She has an assortment beyond those but those are consistent friends.  She also has a VT that is faithful and checks on her plus, you and I know, she also has a bevy of RS sisters at the ready, to help in other than 24/7 but that group is not on her list as she does not attend Church.  It's family time as the main helpers and that is as it should be.

She feels a sense of urgency to get some details finished up.  She has a white suit now and the lavender dress previously mentioned is out of the running for funeral attire.  I picked up the pink nail polish she wanted and hoped it was the right color.  It wasn't.  But...she found putting two coats with another color was perfect for what she wanted.  Women that were teens in the 50's are detail oriented and outfit coordinated right down to the minutest thing!  (Loved that era and she has stayed true to that marvelous way of dressing.  She was showing me a catalog that had a navy dress that we both thought gorgeous and she said...oh, white chalk would be perfect with this!  I agreed.  White chalk was a jewelry that all of our generation had in our little jewelry music boxes.  Most nowadays wouldn't know what that means, if you say white chalk jewelry.  Or if you say...that's a dilly...that's a doozy...what a pill...whoa nelly..that's a humdinger.  we speak 50's when we are together!)

Off track.  sorry.  Anyhow she gave me a Dutch oven.  A reddish one!  6 quarts.  Plus she gave me her Kitchen Aid.  The Dutch Oven is new because her old one was given to her by two of her friends and she keeps it out on her counter and wouldn't want them to think she gave it away.  The Kitchen Aid is the end of an era in her life.  well/often used for years.  Cooking/baking days are over.  She wants me to have something to think of her when I cook/bake.  It was a sweet moment when she said good-bye to her kitchen friend!  I will cherish it.  I filled a freezer section with TV dinners for her.  Others will bring her home-cooked plates on occasion and family etc. but she wanted to have something to microwave.  Now she does.

Two years ago my friend, Myra Faye, passed away.  The very end of her life she was so concerned about birthday cards for her family that weren't in readiness to mail.  I helped her with those.  I saw the same concern with Dixie on some recipes that 5 of her grandchildren wanted her to share.  Especially a 13 year old boy who had his birthday yesterday.  I remembered how heavy that weighed on Myra Faye and saw that same look on Dixie's face and feeling in her voice.  So we tackled that project.

Between choosing, her poring over specific cookbooks, finding recipes taped inside cupboard doors etc., getting copies made at Staples, sorting, cutting, gluing etc....we got it done!!  She had a blank sheet recipe book for the 13 year old and it turned out just as she wanted.  plus she wrote a few out by hand and put notes on them.  This boy loved her brownies and pleaded with her to share the recipe for them and cinnamon toast! She taped the cover of a Betty Crocker Brownie mix and told him that was her secret recipe.  Cinnamon toast...toast/butter/sprinkle sugar and cinnamon! We both laughed at those recipes that he feels are so outstanding and only she has the recipe!

(her penmanship is still awesome as she does not use her computer or type at all so for a lifetime she has done cursive.  mine?...typing fingers and physician Rx scribble penmanship!) 

I was happy for her when the task was done.  she was so relieved and satisfied and glad.

Anything you are procrastinating on doing for your family?  I have letters to write to mine!  One of her grandson's wants her to write a letter about what she has learned in life and what she feels is important.  A daughter also requested a letter from her.  Will that get done?  I don't know.

I feel to do mine.  I've had 5 copies of I Hope You Dance in book form along with the CD that is to accompany my letter.  I just checked the copyright date, the year I purchased them.  2000!  16 years ago!!!!  Yikes!  feeling to do something and actually taking action and doing it are light years in distance.  I don't seem to understand that idea!!

Going to have to show you pictures later (when I get help from son)  Speaking of son...Did I tell you Greg came to visit?  and our Grandson and his family?  can't even remember!!

Time to get this rodeo going and round up the dust bunnies and use that Kitchen Aid and think of my Sissy.

so much more to say about Grace and what I'm learning but for now?....get busy working around here!