Feeling down and out emotionally the last while...actually quite awhile- so... I've spent time thinking about where I am in life and where I want to be and need to be and what I can do to accomplish my dreams and goals and to improve and be the woman that my Father in Heaven desires...to figure out how to be true to who I am and even at this last stage of my mortal trek, to make the next 25+ years really great.
I want to be the woman of my Patriarchal blessing. I find I don't measure up to that description as fully as I'd like. I'm sort of shadowy on what needs to be done but not fully there. I want that enjoyment for myself. I want to be self-accepting. and emotionally healthy. If it's to be...it's up to me!
Of course all of this self examination under my own microscope, with it's seemingly locked co-dependent lens, gives me challenge and enough to fix/ponder/improve for the rest of my life.
I decided to go back to that time when Terry/Jeanee went to Norway and I went on a sabbatical of self-imposed solitary and ended up going to the LDS 12 step program. I was curious and it was very beneficial, although I honestly couldn't relate to the admitted struggles, of those in attendance. when right away I was given a non-related paper about a sort of LDS Al-anon by the leader. (for people who have addicts in their life and have their own problems dealing with all of that) It really helped me to know why and how I try and fix everyone and take the total blame for all ills. I have a son that struggles physically with pain that has reduced him to inability to work. For a work horse that is a death sentence of hard labor without lifting a finger! He also struggles at times, beyond physical challenges and pain, with mental challenges and pain. I have had to learn that I can't fix this for him and can't allow myself to join him in his suffering and allow it to impact me also, as he works it through. As a co-dependent I so want to fix it for him.
This last week as I've felt his struggles, I've been blessed to understand on many levels the why of what he's struggling with. It has really been a great thing for me to watch this cycle occur and know it's his to carry and I can't do it for him. Prayers were answered with certainty. So thankful for that fact.
I went back to the pilot program that was just started when I visited that 12 step class. The printed program was wonderful. because there weren't enough in our area to have an Al-anon group, it was just me!, a phone call class of a very few opened up, that never really got going- was started and after 2-3 classes it was abruptly canceled. problems with copyrights or something with format caused the Church to pull the program. I was privy to have the copy of the original materials. So I dug those out and read all of them and enjoyed and was strengthened with every single quote by authorities or scriptures or conference talks. it really spoke to me and I appreciated such a compilation of counsel and direction. Hopefully the Church will start something like it again beyond the 12 Step program. Maybe they have? Anyhow...a newness of determination came into my heart and I feel good.
Love is what life is all about. At least to me it is. I've not had trouble loving others but I've been less than kind to me. I'm gentling out and kinder to self in my old grey mare days compared to my young filly days. Wish I'd done it then and I'd be ahead of the game for sure!
Prayer is so powerful and answers to prayers are the most wonderful gift in the world!!! This last while, in my most sincere questing, I've been blessed on so many levels. I feel refreshed and ready to move ahead and have direction spoken to my heart by the Spirit.
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| Yes! This is so true!! |
it's a commandment...love thy neighbor as thyself!!!
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| For sure!!! |
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