(What a shame...I was trying to add some scripture references and deleted what I wanted to share!!)
Feeling down and out emotionally the last while...actually quite awhile- so... I've spent time thinking about where I am in life
and where I want to be and need to be and what I can do to accomplish my
dreams and goals and to improve and be the woman that my Father in
Heaven desires...to figure out how to be true to who I am and even at
this last stage of my mortal trek, to make the next 25+ years really
great.
I want to be the woman of my Patriarchal blessing. I find I
don't measure up to that description as fully as I'd like. I'm sort of shadowy on what needs to be done but not fully there. I want that
enjoyment for myself. I want to be self-accepting. and emotionally healthy. If it's to be...it's up to me!
Of course all of this self examination under
my own microscope, with it's seemingly locked co-dependent lens, gives
me challenge and enough to fix/ponder/improve for the rest of my life.
I
decided to go back to that time when Terry/Jeanee went to Norway and I
went on a sabbatical of self-imposed solitary and ended up going to the
LDS 12 step program. I was curious and it was very beneficial, although I
honestly couldn't relate to the admitted struggles, of those in
attendance. when right away I was given a non-related paper about a
sort of LDS Al-anon by the leader. (for people who have addicts in their life and
have their own problems dealing with all of that) It really helped me
to know why and how I try and
fix everyone and take the total
blame for all ills. I have a son that struggles physically with pain
that has reduced him to inability to work. For a work horse that is a
death sentence of hard labor without lifting a finger! He also
struggles at times, beyond physical challenges and pain, with mental
challenges and pain. I have had to learn that I can't fix this for him
and can't allow myself to join him in his suffering and allow it to impact me also, as he works it
through. As a co-dependent I so want to fix it for him.
This
last week as I've felt his struggles, I've been blessed to understand
on many levels the why of what he's struggling with. It has really been
a great thing for me to watch this cycle occur and know it's his to
carry and I can't do it for him. Prayers were answered with certainty. So thankful for that fact.
I went back to
the pilot program that was just started when I visited that 12 step
class. The printed program was wonderful. because there weren't
enough in our area to have an Al-anon group, it was just me!, a phone call class of a very few opened up, that never really got going- was started and after 2-3 classes it was abruptly
canceled. problems with copyrights or something with format caused the Church to pull the program. I was
privy to have the copy of the original materials. So I dug those out and read all of
them and enjoyed and was strengthened with every single quote by
authorities or scriptures or conference talks. it really spoke to me
and I appreciated such a compilation of counsel and direction.
Hopefully the Church will start something like it again beyond the 12
Step program. Maybe they have? Anyhow...a newness of determination
came into my heart and I feel good.
Love is what life is
all about. At least to me it is. I've not had trouble loving others
but I've been less than kind to me. I'm gentling out and kinder to self
in my old grey mare days compared to my young filly days. Wish I'd
done it then and I'd be ahead of the game for sure!
Prayer is so powerful and answers to prayers are the most wonderful
gift in the world!!! This last while, in my most sincere questing, I've
been blessed on so many levels. I feel refreshed and ready to move
ahead and have direction spoken to my heart by the Spirit.
 |
| Yes! This is so true!! |
it's a commandment...love thy neighbor as
thyself!!!
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| For sure!!! |
