Getting a grip on life...

My heart continues to be filled with gratitude for the guidance and blessings and confirmation that I can handle my life!  I do not know how or what that means exactly but I know I can do it.  I've had times in my life that have been super challenging and are overwhelming to me but when my faith is in alignment of trust in the grace and mercy available through the Atonement, I at some point feel peace wash over me.  I seldom know exactly how things will work out but when that peace comes, I know the Lord is aware and He will provide.  I finally feel that peace about just my regular every day life!

That base of just regular living is usually there as a foundation for whatever else is going on but when I felt a sort of crack in that firmness, I sort of cracked myself.  Now I feel that marvelous peace, even in not knowing the outcome, and what is coming down the Pike.  I'm okay.

I realize that guilt/regret over the past and fretful worrying over the future are wasted emotions and the only thing I can live is the present moment.  It's called a present because it is a gift.  I can look, most of the time, at any given moment and really, everything is okay.  Nothing is imploding or threatening...so I intend to live in gratitude.... in spite of aging and as declining health encroaches, unwanted and uninvited, but still making themselves at home...I will just live in the moment and do the best I can. 

Reading in the Book of Mormon, I'm reminded of emotions vacillating and that is a part of life.  I enjoyed reading and being reminded of that roller coaster of thinking in Mosiah 25:7-11

7 And now, when Mosiah had made an end of reading the records, his people who tarried in the land were struck with wonder and amazement.

8 For they knew not what to think; for when they beheld those that had been delivered ^aout of bondage they were filled with exceedingly great joy.

9 And again, when they thought of their brethren who had been ^aslain by the Lamanites they were filled with sorrow, and even shed many tears of sorrow.

10 And again, when they thought of the immediate goodness of God, and his power in delivering Alma and his brethren out of the hands of the Lamanites and of ^abondage, they did raise their voices and give thanks to God.

11 And again, when they thought upon the Lamanites, who were their brethren, of their sinful and ^apolluted state, they were filled with ^bpain and anguish for the ^cwelfare of their souls.

and also Alma 62:1-2

1 And now it came to pass that when Moroni had received this epistle his heart did take courage, and was filled with exceedingly great joy because of the faithfulness of Pahoran, that he was not also a ^atraitor to the freedom and cause of his country.

2 But he did also mourn exceedingly because of the iniquity of those who had driven Pahoran from the judgment-seat, yea, in fine because of those who had rebelled against their country and also their God.

When Faith Endures

I will not doubt, I will not fear;

God’s love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly

My trust, my prayers, humility.

His Spirit guides; his love assures

That fear departs when faith endures.

Text: Naomi W. Randall, 1908–2001. © 1985 IRI

Music: Stephen M. Jones, b. 1960. © 1985 IRI

Hymn #128

2 Timothy 1:7  

For God hath not given us the spirit of ^afear; but of ^bpower, and of ^clove, and of a sound mind.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 

^aLook unto me in every ^bthought; ^cdoubt not, fear not.

Feeling good!!

I think, after months of trying, that I've finally come to grips with this phase of my life!!  You know that I've been trying to figure things out the entire year!  All of this re-grouping and treading water and it has seemed endless (because it has been endless!!).

My heart feels gratitude for Church teachings and my testimony and my faith and my confidence that I will not be given more to handle than I can.  Also that challenges are not always removed but they are made bearable.  Scripturally those two incidents have strengthened me.  And the Hymn about Lead Kindly Light....  I do not ask to see the distant scene.  One step enough to me.

I have the overall understanding of the Gospel plan and also mortality and our individual life experiences but I find that I do want to see way down my life-road so I know how it all ends up!  I seem to profess faith but I also seem to want sneak peeks at the future and how will mortal events be handled.  My main concern...How will I handle those unknown mortal events?....  Things like declining HubbyHealth and aging and lack of agility and even ability taking a certain toll on me.  What to do and how to do and what about this and what about that and what if and also what about if only things?

I profess faith but do I live faithless in my own future?  Perhaps so.  Do I feel afraid as I see things unfold and I'm caught off guard with overwhelmness?  Maybe.  Do I fear to be left at the back of the pack and forgotten...not being what I once was by what I can no longer do/accomplish/be?  Could be.

So yesterday at the Temple I finally felt okay!!

The two scriptures that I alluded to earlier, really spoke to me, at the Temple.  The way I think, and what I think about, reflect my faith, or lack thereof.  Thinking negatively can become my own temptation.  I was going there a lot, wanting knowledge of everything coming down the Pike, in my own life.  I was envisioning my fears about my unknown future.  I came home and read 1 Cor. 10:13 and drew strength from the entire verse.

I have never asked, nor desired, for my own life challenges to be lifted/removed/to vanish.  I understand this is my own mortal journey and my current situation with clouds blocking my view, is mine to experience but what I did ask for, just by desiring and not even a formal prayer, was seeing what the future held/how would things turn out/would I have the strength, faith and physical oomph, to handle it?

Now don't judge me.

Just sharing my journey.

Anyhow...1 Cor. 10:13 and applying that to my own life (with doubtful thoughts being the temptation to avoid) was an eye-opener as was Mosiah 24:14-15, 21.  The one about the burdens being to heavy and the Lord not removing them but making them bearable and feeling lighter.  That also came very strong into my mind.

I have faith that living in the moment and focusing with that faith will give me confidence for my unseen/unknown mortal experiences to come.  Yes.  That is basic doctrine.  Yes...I have known that but now it's in the weave of my soul and is a reality to me.  I'm so thankful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 Cor. 10:13 There hath no temptation ataken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be btempted above that ye are able; but will with the ctemptation also make a way to descape, that ye may be able to ebear it.

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Mosiah 24: 

14 And I will also ease the aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their cafflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did astrengthen them that they could bear up their bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

21 Yea, and in the valley of Alma they poured out their athanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their bburdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.

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I just got back from the store and checked FB and saw this by President Nelson.  It fits right in with what I just experienced!  Yes!  

Take your questions directly to your Heavenly Father in prayer. Ask Him, in the name of Jesus Christ, to guide you. You can learn for yourself—right now—how to receive personal revelation. And nothing will make a bigger difference to your life than that!

I promise you—not the person sitting next to you—but you, that, wherever you are in the world, wherever you are on the covenant path—even if, at this moment, you are not centered on the path—I promise you that if you will sincerely and persistently do the spiritual work needed to develop the crucial, spiritual skill of learning how to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, that you will have all the direction you will ever need in your life. You will be given the answers to the questions of your heart, in the Lord’s own way and time.

When you know your life is being directed by God, regardless of the challenges and disappointments that may come, you will feel joy and peace.

self-proclaimed ruminator! -Me.

I'm headed to the Temple this morning but just had to share this article that to me was brilliant!  It's a quick read but gives lots of food for thought!  A great reminder!!  I can identify!  Maybe you will also!  Fantastic in the explanation!  enjoy here

Love and relationships

Today is a day of memories for me.  Two years ago Monday our grandson was seriously injured in a bike accident, and the struggle with overcoming so much damage, continues in his young life as a husband and a Daddy.  Two years ago today my only sibling, my sister Dixie, passed away.

So much love for these two individuals in my life.  So many memories and life lived and shared.

Perhaps because it's Father's Day this coming Sunday, Terry and I have been talking about the power of love.  We have 5 children and I've shared over the years that except for the last name, they are not similar for the most part.  No cookie cutter family.  What they do have in sameness, is loyalty to the family, even if they are all marching to different drumbeats.  They also have a deep love for their children.

Terry and I were talking about the different paths our children have chosen and bumps along the way and all sorts of events...painful and joyous.  Sometimes we tend to blame ourselves for what our children do.  Unfortunately sometimes others blame us for what our children do!  Sometimes our children blame us for what they do!!

In my innocence as a late teen bride, fresh out of high school, totally inexperienced in life and yet totally unafraid of life, I found myself pregnant after 3 months of marriage.  We were both so excited about this fact.

We adored this baby!! I would say you can't even imagine how much we loved this baby boy but I would be wrong.  All parents that love their child feel the same way!  That love is so all-consuming, all-encompassing.  It leaves you breathless.  Every move of that baby is amazing.  There is no one more perfectly adorable than this treasured helpless infant!

I see young mothers on FB sharing endless photos of babies, that through their eyes, is the most unique child ever born.  None could be brighter or advanced.  I remember that I simply could not get enough of my baby!!  I would hold him as he slept and marvel at how amazing he was.

Parental love for a baby is what unconditional love is.  That is a love that is so connective that no matter what that baby, as an adult will do, no matter what choices with it's attached consequence will be...that divine parental love, will still be there.

My adorable nineteen year old hubby was a baby lover of our children.  He wanted to bathe and feed and hold and cuddle and play and show them off and he did so.  Taking our baby to the grocery store just so people would stop him and comment on what an adorable baby he was!  (now 3 months shy of 80!...he is the same with Grandchildren and Gr-Grandchildren as far as loving them!)

At some point our babies gain their own voices and in learning to walk they can also walk away at will.

With our 2nd baby, we were concerned as to how would we love this child, the way we had the first child and we decided that it just would not happen.  It would be an impossibility to have such love like that!  Surprise to us...hearts expand and we again felt that marvelous love. Unconditional is, again, the only way to describe it.

Our 3rd baby was our only daughter.  As a Mother I'd longed for her since 4th grade when I fancied myself to be a Mother of several little girls.  She is the family angel and peace maker.  Abundant love!!  Unconditional!

Our 4th baby was adopted.  We talked about he would never know the love of the first 3 but we would not let him know that!  A gift to us, was the discovery that we felt not one iota of difference in the love factor.  Unconditional love coupled with gratitude and the miracle of him coming to us...again we felt that soul-deep unconditional beautiful love.

Bonus baby #5.  Another adoption and no doubting or questioning or wondering about loving this time around.  Pure enjoyment and unconditional love all over the place.

I believe it is that base of that powerful love that is so pure and accepting and truly is unconditional that gives us fortitude to carry on with adult choices or teen choices that we would rather not see or hear of happening.

Because our love is so strong, there are times we feel great pain when we witness or are the target of judgment that we have erred in this or that.  Or maybe we do that to ourselves and have a kick-about, with ourselves being the object.

Terry and I had a talk about this.  We decided that we had such deep love, that was so unconditional for those early years, of each of these 5 lives, that whatever choices they made beyond that, they had a very strong base of total love and acceptance from early on.  We talked about any feelings we had about wishing this, that or the other thing, had been handled different...was a part of our mortal journey.  No matter what we wished or wanted changed or to have a do-over- the one constant was they each had the security and nourishment and warmth of parental unconditional love (no matter the age of those young parents or older parents).

To keep those feelings alive and rekindled and maintain that love, that is so nourishing and reassuring, is so worth every ounce of effort it takes.

Fathers that love and Mothers that love are a blessing to those they love.

Grandparent Bonus!!

You know that I'm always talking about the importance of making memories and planning them out and being consistent.  I want to share one that is coming to an end but one last big hooray before that time.

Our SIL was working on Cruise ships and his schedule was during the summer for a large chunk so that made it possible for our daughter, and her twins, to come home summers.  Her husband would still be home for a portion of time while they were here but he supported them staying.

Daughters are usually pulled home and I only have one and that is the case and I'm thankful for that fact!

She never intended on living on the East Coast for very long but careers many times dictate where a person will land.  East Coast it is!  She made the West Coast a part of their summer!

The first time she brought the girls home...I flew to Florida and then we all flew back.  Back and forth and forth and back!  The next year a friend flew from Florida to Washington with her.  The next year, when they were a couple of months from being 3 years old, she flew on her own!  And has done so ever since.

We have savored every moment.  All of the getting ready and then enjoying all the things here and also going to McCall for a family reunion.  Being with Aunts and Uncles and especially cousins.

Identical twins are just magical.  well, ours were!  they still are!

So for 22 years we have seen them every summer of their lives!  Now it's the big change.  Both girls are college graduates now.  Tori is in graduate school at Quinipiac for the next 2 years.  Cassie just got accepted, today, to earn her Masters over the next two years.  Tori is now living in Connecticut for two years and Cassie has a full time job and will live at home while earning her Masters over the same two years.

So the party is over!  Wait a minute...is it really over?  Terry and I are reminiscing and enjoying all those marvelous memories.  Surprise!...one more time with Cassie!!!  Yes!  Her Sissy can't come home to FL much less here.  She just has a couple of breaks.  But Cassie?....she made arrangements early on to come see us for a few days!!

Are we happy and excited???  Beyond belief!  She will be here a very short time so today we planned what we want to do.  I asked her if she wanted to take a day-trip to Leavenworth and go see The Sound of Music and stay at a hotel and just check out the stores and the park and etc. (something that we've done since she was 5).  That was exactly what she had hoped we could do! 

Other days of excitement for us...old familiar annual things...lunch at the White House Cafe...doing art with Uncle Kipper...watching Sharknado with Poppa and her wearing her shark shirt...going to visit Cousin Kipper and his family and having a party...endless chatter and porch visits. 

Then she will fly home and we will have that indelible bonus memory!!  Sweet bliss for sure!

It is worth every bit of effort and expense and exhaustion to do as much as you can to make memories with your family in that brief time that is available.  While they are all at home and then annually after that.  Just do what you can with your available time and resources.

If I could have a do-over...I'd do a Family Reunion every year, even while all the kiddos are home and in school.  That is what I'd call it and I'd have t-shirts and establish a couple of traditions.  Maybe at end of school or just before school or around a holiday but something!!  I'd tell them when they leave home that we will still hold our Annual Family Reunion and they can bring their own families.  Leave your house and go camp for two days or something fun!!

You only have a limited time to brainwash them so get started!  when they do get their own families then it will become every other year for the Family Reunion and the off year is just a Reunion for those that can make it.  when your children marry then they have another family that lays claim also.

We have memories to last for the rest of our lives at this point.  Cassie and I started laughing over things at our past reunions.

I do not have one regret as to how we did the best we could in uniting our family through Family Reunions!!  Not one!! 

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Our daughter posted this on FB today and it just prompted me to share my thoughts.

years ago!

There is a bit of magic between grandparents and grandchildren. The girls were blessed with two wonderful sets.


I never imagined raising my children away from my parents, but life situations, jobs and school prevented that.


I was able to take the girls out every summer to spend time with my parents. Very aware that these were life long memories being made.

We knew that it was a window in time, that it was fleeting and short. We squeezed all we could out of every day.

Today the girls are going to grad school and working, those days of summer visits are gone for now.

I've realized that life is just a series of chapters that open and then close, nothing stays the same. It's our  job to make each page count and give it depth and meaning. To live with intention.


Cheers to grandparents and memories. One of the greatest and most tender loves on earth.

Dusting myself off!!!...

a verse from a Nat King Cole song...

Nothing's impossible, I have found
For when my chin is on the ground.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And start all over again.

I'm thinking that I have a handle on regrouping my life and figuring out this WinterSeason of living life in the Exit lane.  It's been a pretty rough transition in my mind but I think I'm ready.  Well, as ready as I can be.  At this age with HubbyHealthIssues, it's so easy to look ahead and being realistic with the realization, there will be no recovery and goingn back to the SummerSeason of life, and things will just keep motoring along and we will have to PatchPatchPatch as we go along.  I need to ask for and trust that the kindly light will lead me on and not ask to step one step beyond.  I have been feeling overwhelmed and full blown anxiety and fear as to how I can possible handle everything.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene--one step enough for me

Finally I was able to get calmed down (prayer/study/blessings/conversations/contemplation/meditation/thinking/gratitude etc. etc.) and just get back to reality.  Handle what is on my Daily To Do List and not try to project out to end of life!!

Isn't it amazing how we can know something, and know it in detail, and then step in quicksand and forget the rules for getting out of it??

I see myself isolating myself and self-doubting and being super co-dependent and on and on. and on!  I like to think that was just a downward spiral on a slippery slope. That I was wiping my tears and never grabbed any safety bars.  Hitting bottom I'm now picking myself up, dusting myself off and starting all over again.  More like carrying on than going back to square one!

Our son Greg was here and he is such a great son.  And then Kipper is always so good also.  And Jeanee.  And David.  And Benjy.  And...of course!  Terry!

Of course- No Pity party event would be complete without feeling friendless etc.  And as Terry would say...who is putting that in your mind???

On the upside...so enjoying the Book of Mormon and Conference talks and teaching my Primary class (that I love to pieces!!)  and watching changes transpire in such quick order Church-wise. It's amazing!!

Got a Temple Recommend renewal.  so Temple attendance is back on my weekly list of marvelous things to do!  That is a guaranteed endorphin fix!

Walking will get the feel good endorphins moving in my mind and so good for emotional health.  Do I do it?  Have I done it?  No.  Am I being prompted to?  Yes.  Will I?...that remains to be seen!

It's just life folks.  Plain ol' mortal life.  Please don't tell me fairy tales that I'm the only one that has occasional harsh lapses even while doing their best to be obedient.  We do not fib.

So now you know that I was a bit low (okay. bottomed out! not a bit low) and didn't even blog.  You are so patient with me.  Thank you!

Back at 'em and ready for another go round!

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I had wondered about the Be One event.  I was prepared for different scenarios but the actual happening revealed something that I hadn't thought of.  How long so many faith-filled potential members waited, with super strong testimonies, and they could not receive the Priesthood-- I knew that but I didn't think about the racism issue that was there with some members.  To experience rejection and experience racism because of their color and then add rejection and racism from members also.  Even if it was just a few.  The thing that also caught me off guard was their happiness.  Those testimonies are so deep rooted and their joy is just so evident.  I loved every minute of the production.  you didn't see it?  here you go!

I saw President Nelson slip a cough drop or something in his mouth and when he spoke his voice was scratchy.  I so hope he is okay.  His talk was incredible!  We are truly in a world-wide Church and he really let all know that!

Elder Oaks...terrific message and so real and so moving and so let go of the past and move ahead!  

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There are so many changes in so many things and now tomorrow...a talk for the youth.  and what a letter President Nelson sent out!   I keep hearing things, little tidbits, a couple of words here and there- about the 2nd coming and Last Days.  what an exciting and interesting time to be alive and be a member of the Church.

Here is the letter regarding tomorrow's broadcast.

Dear Youth of the Church: I am deeply impressed by your goodness and potential. As we prepare the world for the Second Coming of the Savior, I want you to know that you have a personal role to play! To help you gain a vision of who you truly are and understand your role in the latter days, my wife, Wendy, and I will share a special message with you on Sunday, June 3. We invite you to gather with your family and friends to watch the broadcast together. Until then, I encourage you to prepare by reading from the Book of Mormon daily and pray that the Lord will reveal to you what He would have you personally do and become. Sincerely, Russell M. Nelson President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints **************************************

“There is something undeniably special about this generation of youth,” President Nelson added. “Your Heavenly Father must have great confidence in you to send you to earth at this time. You were born for greatness! The days ahead will be breathtaking. Father in Heaven must have known that you would be just the people He needs to do remarkable things in the latter days—the days leading up to the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.”  (uh-oh.  I didn't write the source.  I need to find it but still wanted to share. more talk about the 2nd coming!)