Ever Learning

For so long I have struggled with feeling bad over my conduct on things like...not acting on promptings/nudges to do a bit of good...not making phone calls or writing notes or taking food...not staying in touch with friends...not keeping my word to myself on goals...not being obedient enough and therefore not feeling good enough to be worthy enough to be blessed/accepted.  

Flashbacks of less than worthy scenes of my Mothering...that was eons ago!  Situations that I made bad judgement calls.  on and on!!!

Then I would add my prideful/envious/jealous/judging/bossy/prideful traits that would spring up like weeds with roots that seemed to never die and kept bringing forth rotten thoughts.

True...there was no wanted poster with my mug at the Post Office...no record of criminal activity of any sort...no darkness with immortality/unfaithfulness/drugs/thievery etc. etc.  and yet I acted like a low-life thug in my attitude of unworthiness to feel the spirit because I just wasn't good enough.

There was nothing in my behavior of living my life that warranted me making an appointment with the Bishop or surrendering my Temple Recommend.  No need of Church discipline on any counts.

My co-dependent self was wanting to help/manage/enable/rescue everyone and it wasn't even my business.  so while it sounds good...I wanted to help...actually it wasn't good because it wasn't my place or business to micro-manage someone else's life.  Besides I wasn't even managing my own that terrific!

Why can't I be perfect????  Why am I so bad???  Why have I made so many mistakes???  I am not worthy!!

One day I was talking to MyTerry about my sorry lot and how I'd totally wrecked my life and on and on in DramaQueen fashion.  

He talked to me about the Atonement and forgiveness and repentance.  I haughtily told him that wouldn't work for me because I knew better and should have chosen to do the right thing to begin with so therefore...no hope.  

He said...you mean you think the Atonement works for everyone but you!  that you are above the atonement?

Anyhow...I know this is going on and on but I wanted to tell you how I've learned to forgive myself for things that weigh me down.  I repent of those things, no matter how small they are.  If they bother me, then on Sunday at Sacrament time, they are given over to the Lord with sincerity.

The thing that helped me more than anything was years and years ago, Elder Neal A. Maxwell shared, at a General Conference, that we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience and not the other way around...mortals having a spiritual experience.  I've looked and looked and could not find it.  I did find this quote that says the same thing...

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. --by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

This thought helped me to understand that all of those "things" that drove me nuts because I wasn't obedient or good enough and I had a testimony!...so of course I should be able to do it all!  now and perfect!!

That teaching helped me and reminded me and I understood more fully...I've never been a mortal before!  I came from a spiritual place as a spiritual being to a mortal experience.  Being human is not an easy task.  (well, at least in my opinion!)  I can now forgive myself for my humanness and not stack the guilt cards that at times are bogus anyhow.

I now realize that my spirit self, my real self, is strong and wants to do what is right.  I need to do a better job of heeding what I hear.  I don't need to throw myself in a dungeon and be haughty about being above the promises of the Saviors Atonement.  

I remind myself...I am a spiritual being having a human experience and this is unknown territory for me.  

Frailties...beautiful descriptive word. Frailties!  My humanness challenges!!

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I've been reading the manuals of Teachings of the Presidents and just finishing up President Hunters.  I found something else that really helps me in the quest to just move through life, doing the best I can, and not bogging myself down with frailties that need to be acknowledged/repented of/move on.  I love it when I read something that I've never heard before.  I hit pay-dirt!  

Chapter 5 is Joseph Smith, Prophet of the Restoration.  here  

In section 3 President Hunter talks about Joseph Smith being a prophet, seer, and revelator.  It's just wonderful the way he describes it. A part of it reads...

Each of us has spiritual eyes which are the counterpart of our natural eyes. We were first created spiritually and then our bodies were created as the covering of our spirit.

This has captivated my attention.  I LOVE these 2 sentences.  It is such a beautiful thought to contemplate our bodies covering our spirits!  It helps me understand the challenge of mortality.  A spiritual creation now clothed in a body.  Endowed with the Light of Christ...peeking through that mortal body.  Me...blessed by the Gift of the Holy Ghost and having that greater light on my journey of endeavoring to manage this mortal self.  

I believe I was trained in all things spiritual in that previous life but explanations of managing a mortal body and what it would feel like and what it would try to do or what it would neglect to do?...I believe I was taught to CTR but how could a class be given, and fully understood, no matter how descriptive the teaching was, that would give me that understanding of what I'd deal with?  I would have to experience being an earthling!!

Our bodies created as a covering for our spirits!  I love the wording.  I love the visual.  I love the thought of that 9 months of womb growth, all to provide us with that "covering of our spirit".  

Now please...don't rain on my joyful parade and be negative or all knowing and wondering why I'm so slow to come to the feasting table!  Be nice.  

Don't tell me you had read this before etc. etc.  Just let me enjoy these amazing two sentences!  

We are truly spiritual beings, clothed in a body, having our turn on earth!!  Forgiveness and acceptance of myself with warts and all becomes okay!

(I'm hearing the lyrics from My Fair Lady.  I saw a production awhile ago.  you know the one...the rain in Spain and she's got it!  I think she's got it!)