Catch-up!

Where does the time go???? 

Greg came here.  I went to Dixie's.  Greg came back here.  I'm going back to Dixie's.  Life is happening and changing and sort of reminds me of the mercury I used to play with as a girl.  I know...it's bad stuff!  But in those days we evidently didn't know or no responsible adult knew?  Anyhow, at one time or another, we all had a blop of mercury to play with.  It could be dropped and it would separate into little balls and roll all over and then you could regroup.  sometimes you'd lose a smidgen.  it was all about being fascinated with it's unpredictability for a bit and then gathering it up and starting over.

My life.  A mercury blob?  A blop...cross between a drop and blob.  my word. 

Anyhow...things just keep changing and I keep trying to keep up with the changes.  Just when I think...this is manageable/I can do this/I AM doing this... is when a new formation surfaces!! 

I do understand that this is life.  My life and you know what?....your life also.  We are all experiencing mortality and it's all about dealing with the puzzle pieces in our boxes. 

Making the pieces fit into a perfect whole and creating a simply lovely picture of  our treks.  In the sort though, I see that some pieces are minus corners or the picture layer on several pieces has worn off or a piece looks like it got wet and puffed up and is misshapen and the box lid is gone that shows me the full picture and what my goal is.  This is simply scribbled on the side...your experience in mortality.  No other hints.

Yet you and I know, and you and I believe... We can do this!!  We can live and rise to the challenge and return from whence we came, with those trails of glory, ABOUNDING, in our wake!

So here I am the human WaveRunner...falling into deep water at times and flailing and choking and gasping and reaching heavenward.  Feeling the steadiness of heaven's help and moving on.  Not walking on the water but walking out of the water to dry land. 

Oh, dear me.  Ever the drama queen but really that is how my mind thinks.  and what am I thinking about?  Balancing life and accomplishing things by tapping into grace.

So much going on so I guess I'll write a little book of short essays....

Short Essay #1

I see the importance of fully participating in Ward activities.  I think a person can easily scooch themselves to the outskirts of fellowship by teeny decisions to not attend things.  Terry and I made the agreement that even if he couldn't go to things, because of his own health issues, that I would go and represent us and support Ward activities.  Recently a Linger Longer Luncheon became a monthly get together.  Yesterday was the 2nd one.  Terry had not made it to Church so I opted to come home after the block meeting to be with him.  Granted...I can't do anything specifically for him, but I just wanted to come home and be with him. 

Another thing the Ward has started is a monthly game night.  I chose to stay home from that also.

Terry and I talked about the importance of fellowship and supporting Ward activities and staying in the loop so to speak.  Truly a person could fade into the woodwork so easily, feel on the outside looking in, lose that connecting thread of association with fellow members if they aren't careful and tend to their Ward activity involvement. 

We decided that I will go even if he can't.

That being said...I won't be at the Memorial Day breakfast.  Don't judge!

Short Essay #2

Life is up and down and thus emotions are also.  I really enjoyed reading about the power of thoughts bringing emotions to the forefront.  In Mosiah 25...Mosiah had read the account of the people of Zeniff and also of Alma.  The people were amazed at what they heard and when they thought about the people involved and the stories of their lives, then their emotions bounced back and forth from...filled with exceedingly great joy...filled with sorrow, and even shed many tears of sorrow....raise their voices and give thanks to God...filled with pain and anguish.  all of that in 4 short verses  Mosiah 25:8-11.  These were listeners...hearing about the plight and the ups and downs of others and consequences for actions.  That is how my life, your life, our lives are...a mix of ups and downs.  seldom level playing field and the trick is to manage it and not get caught up in euphoria or depression but just enjoying the ride and figuring out how to stay on board.

Short Essay #3

I had my birthday!   very low-key and intentionally flew under the radar on this one.  Enjoyed it and here is a picture of what my children gave me...

note the pocket knife! not a new phone....phone calls!

also had peonies and I love peonies!  they were an accidental gift.  A friend bought them for herself and found she was allergic to this particular one so she gifted them to me.  Plus warm chocolate cookies for the day!

love flowers.  love cookies.  love friends. love family. 

Short Essay #4

Our first two sons are 18 months apart.  This did not make for best buddies but more like 2 gladiators that seemed to endlessly be fighting to the death!!  Both wonderful sons and loved dearly...of course! 

The oldest called the younger and mentioned some projects that he was attempting to do.  The younger drove from Utah and helped out.  Then another phone call and the younger volunteered to come back.  Older one said...Nah.  I'm fine.  Thanks though.  Then he changed and said...Actually I'm overwhelmed and frustrated.  His younger brother said...I'll be there tomorrow and stay 10 days.

And so he did that very deed!  As a Mother, there can be nothing greater than to know and see your adult children love and support and respect and enjoy each other.  It really touched my heart as I watched my two boys.  At dinner one night, I mentioned that fact.  I heard...Mom, we are two old men that creak and have aches when we wake up in the morning! 

To me though they are still my boys and I loved watching them work together.  I actually sat on a lawn chair and watched a living u-tube!  Terry sat in the street on his walker for his watching!!

Terry and Sophia

checking out finished product!

meeting of the minds!

Short Essay #5

Dixie.  My dear sister.  She now has one lung completely closed down.  Hospice workers are coming in Monday to get that service going.  This will eliminate Dr. visits and Pharmacy runs etc.  Her daughters will rotate staying with her.  I will continue my personal plan of staying a week each month.  I'm scheduled to go over on the 2nd.  As a surprise to Dixie, my darling daughter Jeanee, is flying in from Florida and will drive over with me.  They are very close. (These pictures are from a Woman's Art Retreat that she had longed dreamed of heading up.  Her dream recently came true!  This was from Cape Cod.)

When my friend, Myra Faye, had limited time left, her concern for unfinished business were birthday cards and a drawer full of recipes.  Time ran out to do the recipes but we did the birthday cards.  I was fascinated that Dixie had those same desires of cards and recipes.  We did her cards and then she worked on making recipe books for her grandchildren.  We did not get her recipe drawer emptied out and that is what she wants to work on when I go over this time.

These pictures are from my April visit.

showing me how she wants me to do my eyebrows.  using a toothbrush.

working on recipe books.  choosing which ones will be used.

Love this picture. Dixie working on recipe books.

She sent me home with a new Dutch Oven and her cherished Kitchen Aid.

just thinking.

Her allotted time is running out and I am again praying that she will hold out until I can be with her just one more time.  I cannot imagine her gone.  As Scarlett O'Hara said...Fiddle dee dee...I'll think of that tomorrow. Some things are best thought about when they actually happen and not prematurely.  It's enough to know she is going to leave.  For now I'll enjoy her stay.  Only the Gospel makes it possible to deal with life ending and separation happening.

The end of essays!  for now.

Thank you for your patience with my stop and start blog posts!

(Natalie...so sorry about your daughters cancer diagnosis.  No Mother wants to hear such grim news.  I appreciate your great faith and confidence in the Lords awareness of her.  He is also aware of you and your tender MotherHeart.  sending love and prayers your way. I will give Dixie your love.) (Natalie and Dixie were high school cheerleaders together in Anchorage.)

Pushki

The study of the application/living/embracing and endeavoring to understand how to use the enabling power of grace, in a personal way, continues and I'm enjoying it so much.  I did get somewhat sidelined though when I read this article...4 Ways What You Think Is Humility Could Actually Be Pride ....read it here   Me?...prideful?  of course not!  Oopsie-doopsie!  Isn't thinking you aren't prideful actually being prideful?  Anyhow...it was a great take, a great eye-opener and worth the read.  Plus the LDS author wrote a book that sounds interesting. (see below) 

In the article she mentioned 4 potential areas that one might think of as humility but end up off-balanced and becomes prideful. 

1- Self-deprecation
2- Obsession With How Others View Us
3- Excessive Worry About Others Choices and Righteousness
4- People-pleasing

All of us recovering co-dependents will recognize these 4 subjects!

Here is the book she wrote.  I don't think it's about the above article she wrote.

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The Burnout Cure: An Emotional Survival Guide for Overwhelmed Women       here

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also enjoy this..... very old, still true and well-known 1989 address.... “Beware of Pride,” by Ezra Taft Benson.  The picture on the Conference talk is President Hinckley but the written text is President Benson!  It is a fantastic Conference talk.  The counsel in this is priceless!!

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I was somewhat taken aback at this side road of realizing I was being chastised and needed some things pointed out to me about pride.  My pride.  Oh, my...just saying it smarts.  Sort of reminds me of accidentally brushing against Alaskan Pushki or more formally- Stinging Nettle.  Hairlike strands abound, like a needle, that injects pain and poison on your skin.  Blisters occur.  dreadful.  painful to the max.  it doesn't scar but boy, does it hurt. In my desire to incorporate the grace, as mentioned in Ether 12:27, I admit to asking for areas of weakness that I needed to address to be revealed.  Prayers are answered when we really want to know!  Extremely unpleasant but essential.  The article and the Conference talk were both of immense help in moving ahead.

So you say you want to see a picture of Pushki?  okay!  The strange thing about this plant is-- to pay no attention and by just charging through a patch of it, can do you harm.  But...harnessed through careful harvesting, with proper protective gear, this can this be rendered harmless and actually beneficial to health.  Much like the pride that is self-esteem and acknowledging that I am a valued daughter of God, and that is a good thing, compared to feeling at times and in some ways that certain aspects of humility are masking as pride!

Back from Idaho

Good morning to you!  I've missed talking with you!  Just got back last night from Idaho and helping with Dixie.  Took some pictures to share and wouldn't you know it?...I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to get them out of my camera and on this page...not to be at the moment!  With my zero tech skills, that barely handle the on/off button, I'll have to get help.  again!

So much to get caught up on.

Dixie continues to be brave and non-complaining as her health continues to nose-dive.  It's like she levels out, figures out how to maintain avoiding Hospice in self-care and family-care, and then she plummets to a new low.  Right now she needs someone there 24/7.  She has 4 daughters, a magnificent neighbor that is a close friend, along with another dear friend since they were both 22 years old (Dixie is 75) plus a group of 4 friends that do lunch and me.  She has an assortment beyond those but those are consistent friends.  She also has a VT that is faithful and checks on her plus, you and I know, she also has a bevy of RS sisters at the ready, to help in other than 24/7 but that group is not on her list as she does not attend Church.  It's family time as the main helpers and that is as it should be.

She feels a sense of urgency to get some details finished up.  She has a white suit now and the lavender dress previously mentioned is out of the running for funeral attire.  I picked up the pink nail polish she wanted and hoped it was the right color.  It wasn't.  But...she found putting two coats with another color was perfect for what she wanted.  Women that were teens in the 50's are detail oriented and outfit coordinated right down to the minutest thing!  (Loved that era and she has stayed true to that marvelous way of dressing.  She was showing me a catalog that had a navy dress that we both thought gorgeous and she said...oh, white chalk would be perfect with this!  I agreed.  White chalk was a jewelry that all of our generation had in our little jewelry music boxes.  Most nowadays wouldn't know what that means, if you say white chalk jewelry.  Or if you say...that's a dilly...that's a doozy...what a pill...whoa nelly..that's a humdinger.  we speak 50's when we are together!)

Off track.  sorry.  Anyhow she gave me a Dutch oven.  A reddish one!  6 quarts.  Plus she gave me her Kitchen Aid.  The Dutch Oven is new because her old one was given to her by two of her friends and she keeps it out on her counter and wouldn't want them to think she gave it away.  The Kitchen Aid is the end of an era in her life.  well/often used for years.  Cooking/baking days are over.  She wants me to have something to think of her when I cook/bake.  It was a sweet moment when she said good-bye to her kitchen friend!  I will cherish it.  I filled a freezer section with TV dinners for her.  Others will bring her home-cooked plates on occasion and family etc. but she wanted to have something to microwave.  Now she does.

Two years ago my friend, Myra Faye, passed away.  The very end of her life she was so concerned about birthday cards for her family that weren't in readiness to mail.  I helped her with those.  I saw the same concern with Dixie on some recipes that 5 of her grandchildren wanted her to share.  Especially a 13 year old boy who had his birthday yesterday.  I remembered how heavy that weighed on Myra Faye and saw that same look on Dixie's face and feeling in her voice.  So we tackled that project.

Between choosing, her poring over specific cookbooks, finding recipes taped inside cupboard doors etc., getting copies made at Staples, sorting, cutting, gluing etc....we got it done!!  She had a blank sheet recipe book for the 13 year old and it turned out just as she wanted.  plus she wrote a few out by hand and put notes on them.  This boy loved her brownies and pleaded with her to share the recipe for them and cinnamon toast! She taped the cover of a Betty Crocker Brownie mix and told him that was her secret recipe.  Cinnamon toast...toast/butter/sprinkle sugar and cinnamon! We both laughed at those recipes that he feels are so outstanding and only she has the recipe!

(her penmanship is still awesome as she does not use her computer or type at all so for a lifetime she has done cursive.  mine?...typing fingers and physician Rx scribble penmanship!) 

I was happy for her when the task was done.  she was so relieved and satisfied and glad.

Anything you are procrastinating on doing for your family?  I have letters to write to mine!  One of her grandson's wants her to write a letter about what she has learned in life and what she feels is important.  A daughter also requested a letter from her.  Will that get done?  I don't know.

I feel to do mine.  I've had 5 copies of I Hope You Dance in book form along with the CD that is to accompany my letter.  I just checked the copyright date, the year I purchased them.  2000!  16 years ago!!!!  Yikes!  feeling to do something and actually taking action and doing it are light years in distance.  I don't seem to understand that idea!!

Going to have to show you pictures later (when I get help from son)  Speaking of son...Did I tell you Greg came to visit?  and our Grandson and his family?  can't even remember!!

Time to get this rodeo going and round up the dust bunnies and use that Kitchen Aid and think of my Sissy.

so much more to say about Grace and what I'm learning but for now?....get busy working around here!