I'm getting everything checked out and so far my heart, lungs, blood work are fine. Today I had my eyes checked. My eyeballs are healthy with no macro problems or the likes. There are the cataracts that render my vision hazy. Hazy at best. I really have no idea how dirty my house looks. I know the carpet needs to be cleaned and the furniture too. I've sometimes seen a cobweb floating if the sun hits it just right! Otherwise ...totally invisible! A friend came over and later sent a note and was concerned for us and said that she and her daughter were good house cleaners! Houston!-Yes!! we have a problem. I know it. (see paragraph one!)
So first I'm going to do this round of health checks, while at the same time doing yet another eating program to hopefully reduce my size to a healthy weight and miraculously have energy that actually would register to a point of being active!! Then there is all of the downsizing and de-junk and scrub-a-dub basics. And then maintenance of myself and my household.
Remember...I'm a Mormon and it takes effort and energy and devotion to not only attend and participate and support and serve in a calling (lucky me. Truly so thankful that I have a calling!) but to dovetail all of that with all of the health stuff and then may I remind you that I have 24 in my family that started with my little group of 5 and I want to stay connected in some way with each of them on a regular basis.
And friends close at hand and friends far away and my blogger friends. I want to stay in touch with everyone and I guess have a giant campfire, introduce each one and express my love and join hands and sing Kum-by-yah...Just feeling good and sharing with marvelous people that are so dear to me. Me dreaming!
And of course...still at the picture organizing project and the pull to genealogy and loving and attending the Temple. Indexing? of course. A Life History??? really?
Self-evaluating how much actual service I hands on do? oops!
Do I really render relief to the sisters I VT?
So on and on the list goes! The health issue stuff...trying to help Terry and figure out what can be done to help him be strong and realizing this may be as good as it's going to get and this truly, for now is our new norm and also the realization that I must get healthy in order to carry a much larger load and figuring out how to do it and then actually doing what I figured out...that seems like a necessary, actually essential thing to accomplish.
So why didn't I do what I originally decided to do? I felt it made sense. I felt I have nothing in my head to share. I started to feel maybe the ride is over. I decided to stop blogging. I was filled with self-doubt/frustration/some depression and had nothing to say. I felt I really needed to trim things back, pare things down and not blogging made sense to me. Do bloggers get writers block? Did I have that or was I a block head?!
I talked it over with Terry and he said...if that is your choice then tell your readers and don't just leave them wondering. So I decided to do that tonight. Just simply say...I'll be back blogging in a couple of months. Maybe give a date. Also knowing I might just stop altogether. It seemed rational to me. Every person can read about the Church and see all the latest things. Everyone can watch videos and listen to music without me suggesting etc.
Spiritually I knew that I was really going to dig in and study the Book of Mormon and the New Testament and the YW lessons. Go to the Temple weekly. Attend Church and all the things that are a part of my religion.
Then I changed my mind. I only follow one blog of a woman that I do not know. I'm interested in how she has survived trauma in her life. I've prayed for her. When I first heard about her, I went back and read the entire happenings of her story of a plane crash that nearly killed her. I read how her sisters took her children for several months. One sister took 3 of her children and she blogged about how her sister was doing. I've watched the injured sister become very well-known and respected. I've watched how she continues to share her story and how people embrace and share things to give her opportunities. The other sister had a blog and loves to write. Because I've read it for several years now, I started to feel there was tension and differences. Then I realized the sister seemed unhappy with the Church and with several things that feminists also find fault with.
I'd not looked her up in a long time so I went to it. She had been called a year ago as Counselor in her RSP. She was frustrated at a RS presidency meeting about what to do for remembering birthdays, lost her patience and just volunteered to do and bring the senseless discussion to a close. Recently she became a regular contributor for a blog that looks to me that it expresses what women unhappy with the Church would enjoy and support. can't remember the name right now, and she just wrote, in her first entry, that at the time of that 2nd Counselor calling, she was having a faith crisis, needed to give the Church a break for awhile and felt her testimony was slipping away. She accepted the call. She shared her experience and blogged about her frustrations and 88 other women just couldn't say enough me too, that is my feeling also! that would be plural agreed. She had blogged about the solution she did in writing a personal note for each RS sisters birthday and reading it on Sunday in RS and giving them a cookie and here is one of the typical 88 responses...
This is a beautiful tribute to your fellow womankind. I can’t find many good things about staying LDS (which is why I chose free myself and my small charges). I see damaged souls in the masses, but you were able to take something slipping and find a place in it for yourself. A place to keep your small life preserver afloat. I would be lying if I said I don’t miss the community. There is peace in knowing you have humans of like-mindedness surrounding you. But I’ve learned community can be found in so many places and under my own terms. Terms where I don’t have to doubt, wonder or shrivel up in guilt ridden skin. I appreciate you though, for your honesty. In this, others will be able to find peace, a home and maybe enjoy a religion that might otherwise sink their souls.
******************************************
Surely I am taxing your patience but one thing just really hit me hard. In spite of some major shifts in my life that need to be addressed, and really don't we all have that in varying degrees? I want to go on record and tell you that I absolutely love the Gospel and believe that we are led by Prophets inspired of God and I love the Priesthood and it's Godly powers and have absolutely NO desire to be ordained. Ever. My faith is centered in Jesus Christ and I thought to myself. I will continue to blog and it may be boring to read but I don't have all these spiritual frustrations. I know it's a miracle when people can agree enough to actually have the programs in the fullest way possible to make a Ward work. I know that I have never known a Bishop that prayed to take that on. They are humans. It's alright. I'm a human also. I understand.Something about reading those 88 frustrating and faultfinding comments of the Church and it's organization, just made me say...I'm going to keep on blogging. It may be sporadic. It may be strange/weird? I have no idea where I'm headed. But this I do know...I will blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment