Moving ahead from less to more...

I am gaining such peace in my conversations with Vickie.  It is amazing!  When Hubby and I go on our road trip I will talk to my son David about what I'm feeling.  I can't quite put my feelings into words, as they are way below the surface and just settled in my heart right now.  It will expand and permeate my soul and in that expansion, I will be able to explain the joy and peace I'm feeling.  Don't you just love when you really try to embrace the Atonement and use it in your personal life and then you have such marvelous break-throughs of understanding and peace?  I sure do.  I am filled with gratitude.  tender mercies, for sure!

Life moves on...

Getting ready for our roadtrip!!  I'm moving slow motion and feeling snail-like!! 

I will keep on working on apologies and seeking forgiveness.  Still have one birthmother to contact.  Have lost touch and do not have her information.  I will get it and do it.  Have been enjoying getting to know Vickie as we visit back and forth  (wife of the late birthfather).  Will share my progress as things move ahead. 

What a great reminder!!  why, my goodness!!...I truly am feeling that power!!!

Still in the Lesser LDS group!!

Well, like pulling a raveling on a sweater, I continue to share the cleansing effort of my heart which seems to be unwinding at warp speed!  Even though I wasn't wanting to share my boys with them drawn into another family, on the same hand I did not want them rejected.  I prayed they would be loved and accepted and if they didn't want the involvement with these strangers that it would be the boys that ended it and not any of the birthparents group. 

Really, I felt everyone was a better Christian than I would ever hope to be.  The two birthmothers are both faith-filled active LDS women with strong testimonies.  Now Vickie is the wife of the one birthfather that entered our lives. Vickie had a daughter die and then her husband died.  She is a gracious soul.  I met her only one time, at the same time I met her husband and also Carol Ann.  She was lovely.  I was just so wrapped up in my emotions and really...I could have won an Oscar for my acting so happy meeting everyone.  Oh, did I mention that I met these folks at David's wedding reception? 

David thought it was good for all of us to meet at such a festive occasion!  I nearly croaked when he told me that would be happening.  I'm so uptight and rigid?  Old-fashioned.  Not modern.  And don't forget I'm acting like I own these boys, my prized possessions plus throw in my co-dependent insecurities and you have what could be called in the language of today-- a hot-mess!  Exit stage left and have a total melt-down! 

I love these boys so much!!  Exactly like my other 3 kiddos so I'm just now trying to make amends and apologize.  It seems that my thoughts of unkindness/ill-will/jealousy etc. were alive in my mind, and only shared with a few close people and so far I'm the one that was hurt and everyone else is fine!  I am finding that as I access the Atonement, in even this somewhat SoapOpera scene being lived out in real time, that Atonement will help my poor old soul on many levels. 

Now when I write the other BirthMother...I know I hurt her.  I've asked for her email address from my son's wife and hopefully she will share it as I no longer have it.  that one may not work out so good but it's about me asking forgiveness and not inflicting any pain on her.

*******

 

Hi Vickie...It's Nancy Seljestad. Jeanee's Mother. When I saw the picture of you sitting with her (and isn't she just gorgeous and precious and sweet???) I thought of how overdue I have been, how negligent I have been, in thanking you for your generous loving heart towards my family. 

 

I have no idea what it would be like to find out your husband had another son that he was not aware of and of course, neither were you! You handled this entire scenario which such grace and compassion and acceptance and love. Thank you. 

 

To my sorrow...I wish I'd put aside my petty feelings and insecurities and gotten to know your husband before his passing and also to have reached out more to you. 

 

My two children that you know, Jeanee and David, acted better than their Mother! You have been so welcoming and inclusive to David and that is so important to his life. ... In such a situation, a rather delicate one, there was such an opening to be unloving and rejecting of him. 

 

I am so thankful that you are filled with the capacity to love unconditionally and reach out and give 100%. Forgive me if I have in any way caused you a moment of heartache. 

 

Thank you for being Aunty to Cassie and Tori. Now are we talking amazing young women??? 

 

love to you from me. If I had your email, I would have sent this long letter that way. 

 

Take care and keep on being lovely like you are! Nancy

 

(a part of her reply.  and this was email!  and yet it's the FB message format like mine to her.  sorry about that!)

 

 
Dear Nancy,

You could not have touch my soul deeper.  Thank you for your beautiful message and I felt the love!  We could write a book couldn't we?  I have thought about you so much ... and even spoke to Dave about how you feel with all of these "other" people getting into his life.  There is so much to tell.

Last year I sat down with Dave face to face and told him that Kiti was always so thrilled to know him and to meet him.  I am so grateful to God that Dave found Kiti before he left this earth....   Kiti got a call that a young man thought that Kiti was his biological father.  Kiti was so stunned and came to the bedroom where I was watching TV late at night and was so pale and scared I thought that he was going to tell me that his mother had died in the islands.  He told me about the phone call.  For some reason, I was thrilled ... I never felt like this was an intrusion ... I felt that this was going to be a beautiful thing.

Kiti and I stayed up all night because I insisted that Maika and I join Kiti and little Kiti because I wanted to be there when Kiti met this young man.  Long story on trying to get 2 more tickets at the last minute to Salt Lake ... it was crazy.  But as you know, the minute we met Dave, it was so worth it.  You raised such a sweet giving guy who only has love in his heart. 

From there on, we wanted him to know about his Tongan side and there was much to tell.  One thing Kiti taught all of us is that in Tonga, there is no word for "step" ... there is no "step"mother, no "step" brother, etc.  He wanted the boys and Ana to call Dave their brother.   (I hope that doesn't hurt you too much.) ....
 

What a fabulous guy he is!  He made Kiti feel so much better early on when he told him that he was "bathed in love" with his Mom and Dad and couldn't have had a better childhood!!   I hope some day you and I can get to know each other better because I know you and your husband are very special.  Dave loves you two and I love that love I feel when he talks about you.....

 

Two years ago when Dave, Jennifer and the kids came down, I told Dave through tears that I was so grateful that he still wanted to be around us.  I told him he could have easily dropped us after Kiti died, but he didn't and we were both crying.

Each time he comes, I try to include Jeanne and her family because of course ... he loves her so much. 

 

 I was thrilled when I invited her to come to hear Harry play music at the Cape, that she came each time ... love that girl.   

 

When she invited us to Tori and Cassie's graduation, we were so happy ... and it warms my heart that I'm Aunt Vickie.   I could go on and on about those 2 girls. ...  

Ok, enough of this book!!  I hope I have not "hurt" you either with any words I have shared here.   I love that we are in touch.

Thank you again for your loving words,
Vickie

 

Being Less than LDS...

I seem to be on a soul deep scrub down and I'm not going to fight it.  As things surface I will just handle it and apologize for any pain I might have inflicted in some way on someone.  I want to clear things up in my heart as I really want to feel the Spirit as much as possible.  As I've prayed things have been coming into my mind.  I really thought that I'd been rude to the birth mother of our first adopted son.

Here is what I wrote to her on her FB page in a message:

Hi Carol Ann. It's Nancy. First of all Happy Birthday! I couldn't put it on your FB because we aren't Friends. I thought that was sort of ironic. I'm writing a note to you about that very fact. 

I feel, I know, that I've not reached out to you and I really want to apologize and ask you to excuse my behavior and forgive me for causing you some pain. We find ourselves connected in such an unusual way and I feel I have let my emotions and pettiness get in the way of being kind and nice and most especially letting you know of the gratitude and appreciation to you for gracing my life with such a wondrous person as my David. (talk about a run on sentence!) 

Perhaps my age or my possessive nature towards my children or jealousy or I don't know what, all showed a side of me that isn't usually there. a black spot on my heart! 

I would like to erase that bad behavior by apologizing, asking you to forgive my selfishness, and I will then forgive myself for being less than LDS! 

I want to thank you for reaching out to David and his family and your children for being kind and good to him in that same way. David is a miracle in our lives and even though he is headstrong and not on the Church path, that we want all of our children on, he is so loving and kind and compassionate and good and we love him to pieces. 

I was caught off guard with how extremely selfish and possessive I found myself to be in regard to wanting exclusivity with my children. I realize they are not possessions!

 I'm sure in your generosity and courage to allow us to raise and love David, that I have hurt you with my apparent rejection of you. I am so sorry. that is truly not the way I conduct myself with others! Just like you...I love the Gospel...I have a testimony...I'm active...I serve...I go to the Temple and on and on. 

 I hope by the awareness that has come to me, of my less than kind and gentle treatment of you, that you will accept my apology, forgive and accept my love and appreciation. 

Thanks for loving David and his entire family! (I would have emailed this but I don't have your email) 

Nancy 

********  her note to me (I have no idea why it's like this format. she emailed me)

Dear Nancy....

Thank you for the birthday wishes...it's been a great day!

I'm not sure how to respond to your letter.  It troubles me that you feel that you've caused me pain, or hurt feelings, and that you're carrying guilt over it.  I've never had any problem with you or your family! 

                                                                                                                     I can imagine that, all those years ago (almost 20!), when David & I found each other again, that it would have been unsettling & even scary for you & for your other children. It was scary for me too, but enough time has gone by now, that we all can see that it has had no effect on David's love & commitment to you & your family. 

I totally agree with you that David is a miracle....for you and for me. I simply don't know another man alive who is as caring, kind, sweet & considerate as he is.  This is a direct reflection on the wonderful environment he was raised in...and it means the world to me that you instilled all those things, and many other positive things, in him as he grew up. I always knew that he was meant, and lucky, to be raised by you.

Please unload any guilt, worry or anything else that's weighing you down about this. You asked for my forgiveness, but, truly, I don't feel like there's anything that needs forgiving. There's no need for black spots on your kind heart!

We all truly do love that David & his darling family!  He's good to us & has a sweet relationship with our kids & grandkids.  We all admire his tender nature & how much he loves the babies!

****my reply back to her...( Again!  I don't know how to fix this problem on the formatting as mine was now to her email)

What a great gift to be given on Memorial Day...your sweet tender reassuring note!  Perhaps I was more guilty of my thoughts than my actual behavior!  Your sincere words made me feel at peace within and that is what I was seeking, in addition to making amends, for any pain/hurt I’d inflicted on you by my selfish possessive behavior.   Thank you, for being a true Saint!

I have not walked in your shoes but I can only imagine that it would be a great relief to know, the child you surrendered to us, was loved 100% from my MotherHeart.  To his credit he has walked this path, of balancing the intricacies of adoption, as a great example to me.  He has done his level best to assure and reassure me of my place of parental importance in his life and I’ve come to that belief of his truth.  Sometimes it is extremely difficult to teach old dogs new tricks!

Love to you and thankfulness also for your response to my pain.  Pain, which has now faded, as it seems it was not a reality in your life but a figment of self-judgment in my mind!  Thanks for reassuring me that I did not hurt you.  I was feeling I had and that felt good to hear/know that you were okay and are okay. 

Adoption has taken me on a life journey that did not come with a roadmap!  Thanks for being a peacemaker!

Gratitude and love to you from me...

Nancy

 

Less than LDS

As you know we adopted two of our 5 children.  Terry and I vowed to each other that we would love our first new little adopted son with all of our hearts and felt sort of sad thinking he would never know real parental love like our first 3 children had.  What a marvelous surprise to feel exactly the same as we did about our 3 naturally born children!  It was a wonderful shocking surprising experience.

Perhaps it's the generational thing, but with the feelings I had, I had no interest in ever meeting any of the birth parents.  To bring in someone to claim a stake in one of my first 3 children would have been foreign and unwelcome and I felt that exact same way about my adopted baby boys.

These baby boys are now 44 and 40!!

Nowadays adoptions are open.  I'm thinking a person would have to be way younger than me and way more open minded and way more willing to reach terms of how much involvement there will be.  I don't think I'm capable.  For me it was simple on our adoptions.  The paper is signed.  Thank you.  Good-bye.

Is this akin to me being in some confessional booth?  Why do I feel to just share my all??  I just do.  that's all.  I just do.

So anyhow, over this long period of time, things were hunky-dory until about 20+ years ago and then the birth parents and spouses of birth parents and children of birth parents all started bubbling up and entering my life.  A part of my life that is so incredibly important to me.  Mothering.  being Mom.  That is my domain and I learned I'm possessive and in many ways so much less than LDS.

I've met these people.  they are good to the boys.  they love them.  they have tried to reach out to me.  I was cordial/cool/standoffish and exuded no warm fuzzies.  Not even a single bit.   Oh, did I mention jealousy?  (That should be spelled in green with monster yellow eyes!) 

So it's one of those, to me at least, french-braid moments of personal complication in my life.  Just like the braid...dibs and dabs of stuff that when all put together make for a good sized elephant always propped in the corner and me just moving it from one place to the other.

So rather than move the elephant again, I decided to grab the bull by the horns, and face my feelings!
Ouch!!  Not pleasant!  not nice!  I just felt so strongly that I need to make some sort of amends and deal with this in the way of writing a note, expressing briefly (and yes, I can be brief.  well, at times!)

I just decided to write a heartfelt note and express feelings of regret for any hurt or pain that I'd inflicted on them.  I wrote to the one BirthMother and one spouse of a deceased BirthFather and I couldn't even find an email address or anything for the other BirthMom.  The other BirthFather?...no clues about him.  He has never been a part of any equation.

I was caught off guard with how extremely selfish and possessive I found myself to be in regard to wanting exclusivity with my children. I realize they are not possessions! 

That was a part of what I wrote in one note.

Rather long story short...I apologized.  Asked to be forgiven for hurt I'd inflicted on them.  sent the two off and heard back from the spouse of the BirthFather that died.   She was gracious and wonderful and kind.  we will talk as she wondered how I did with all of these people entering into my life.  Uh, not very good!   She, like her husband, had no idea about the fact he had a son!  Can you imagine dealing with that bit of information?  out of the blue???  Wow!

I'll share more later.  What I wanted to say is...sometimes we just have to really check out our heart and see if it's luminous, with a heavenly glow sparked by the Holy Ghost, or little puff clouds of darkness that make things hazy and sometimes even speckles of black.  I asked for forgiveness from them so I can forgive myself and take full advantage of the marvelous healing power of the Atonement.  

I felt incredibly good with just the small amount of reaching out and apologizing I did.  I love the cleansing found in the gift of the Atonement!!

this is one of the women I wrote to.  My children are nicer than their Mother...Jeanee wrote on this picture...

Love you! Thanks for being our family. xoxo  

I do say though that she is a wonderful woman and she would like us to be friends.  I look forward to us sharing our two stories, with each other, as to how our lives have intersected.  She thinks we could do a book!  I think being friends sounds nice.  Not a book.

Isn't my daughter gorgeous?  I birthed an angel!!!!!

I will remember....

Thoughts to ponder...

(That picture, on page 27, in the General Conference issue of the Ensign, just made me break out laughing!!  look at that baby's face!!)

I always enjoyed Elder Neal A. Maxwells talks at General Conference.  I was definitely a fan.  I still am.  He could weave the most beautiful explanations of doctrinal inspiring points of any one I'd ever heard.  A true wordsmith.  You would think he'd have volumes of journals but he did not keep a journal!  not even one!  In later years, as his cancer progressed in its devastation, he was encouraged to let his biography be published albeit reluctantly.  I enjoyed every word of that book and learned so much about him and details of the Gospel.  I pulled the book down and looked for the place, heavily red-penciled, where I learned that each member of the 12 has their own "...private ministry of some kind...".  Elder Oaks mentioned Elder Maxwell's "...incredible pastoral outreach to people who have suffered...".

Well, back to the point at hand.  In February 2000 Elder Maxwell gave a Fireside for the CES workers and it was published a year later in the Ensign.  Jesus, the perfect Mentor.  As I read through this, I thought of you, and thought you would enjoy every word.  I am giving you a little taste of what awaits, the actual reading of the book, in these few paragraphs.  (You can thank me later!)

*****

The emancipation that can come with forgiveness is clearly part of the lubricant of love that the Lord wants to be pervasive in His Church. How long has it been since you may have forgiven someone—perhaps of something small—to emancipate them? How long has it been since someone emancipated you for some small misstep or miswording of a communication?

*****

The current Brethren have a saying, “How many tellings does it take?” It is a saying that is used in a kindly way, sometimes wistfully. Most of us shouldn’t be surprised if some of life’s hardest lessons require repetition. We recognize that we have taken the course before, and here we go again! It is a function of the long-suffering and the mercy of the Lord—until we get it right.

*****

Much more often, we too can give others “the garment of praise” (Isa. 61:3). There are so many people with no such clothing in their wardrobes—or only a T-shirt. They shiver for want of a little praise. Meanwhile, each of us has far more opportunities for bestowing deserved praise than we ever use! How long since you’ve done that? Perhaps today for many of you. Maybe too long for some of you.

*****

So it is with the little sectors of our lives. The sea may be roiling at times with waves of emotion, such as when one is offended, or by billows of anger, or, more commonly, by self-pity that threatens to swallow us up. Then, for us too, the calming of the Master becomes crucial. Remember how it was: after Christ and Peter came back “into the ship, the wind ceased” (Matt. 14:32). He can do that for us if we will let Him. It doesn’t matter how small our Galilee may seem; the boisterousness and the tempest will at times rage, but the remedy is still the same.

*****

How wonderful it is (and we have all had these experiences) when we can gather in circles of friendship large or small with shared gospel values. Sharing is like gathering around conversational bonfires that grow warm and bright against the horizon. You will find the memories of these bonfires will achieve a lastingness—not of what you wore or of what the menu was, but rather because of the shared expressions of love and testimony. Especially helpful are the memories of those individuals and friends who are exemplars for you and me by the manner in which they strive so steadily and unapologetically to wear the whole armor of God.

*****

These special moments—one-on-one, in small groups, in corridors, hallways, or wherever—do something so subtle that we are scarcely aware that it is happening. Yet these help to further define our relationships with the Lord and with each other. It is often the one-liners that come from these special moments which have such a long shelf life and which help us long after the dispersal of those friends has occurred.  

The proverbial horse

I'll probably sound soap boxy so I may as well post it as such....

My friend Mariah dropped me a note and honestly, I've thought about this so much since she dropped that line.  Mariah is my gay friend.  I've written about her before.  She is married.  To a woman.   Between the two of them they have 9 children. 

So here is what she told me.  A "friend" in their Ward was going to teach a RS lesson about the Family Proclamation and she suggested/requested to Mariah's wife that they not attend RS on that day.  Taliatha went to the Bishop seeking a confirmation/affirmation that they really were welcome and wanted in the Ward.  He told her yes.  Then he said he didn't want them having the Missionaries come to their house for dinner anymore because it is not fair to make them visit such an unwholesome environment!

The Bishop told them if they wanted to have friends that should be their HT/VT.  Not the Missionaries.  The HT/VT seem ideal because they have a daughter that is gay.  Problem is- they don't talk to their daughter beyond acknowledging her and she doesn't go to family events.  Not even Christmas.  IF their daughter comes to visit them...she sits with Mariah and her family.  Did I mention they have not yet visited them as HT/VT?


When they were ex'd  they were told by the Bishop that they could feed the Missionaries and also clean the Church.  A high councilman, used to be in their Ward, doesn't want them to clean the Church anymore.

Both women are hurt and confused and as Mariah said...this could be the straw that breaks the camels back regarding their staying active in Church.  Taliathia  wrote the Mission President explaining her sadness of being told they are not to have the Missionaries over for dinner anymore.  This just recently happened so she hasn't heard back yet.

So this scenario haunts me!!  On so many levels.  I know I keep harping on this entire Gay issue which is barely moving but it is going to escalate and again here I am, harping away, blowing bubbles all over the place...we each have to figure out how to deal with this situation...how to teach your children to deal with this situation.  We need to do a deep soul assessment as to how we feel and how we will act.

Mariah and I are on entirely different places in this subject.  She believes and hopes and prays and expects, in time, that the Church will change this policy.  I feel it is doctrinal and will never change.  I know way down deep in my heart that it will not change.  Ever.  She believes in her heart of hearts that change is slow in coming but it will evolve.  Out of respect of our differing views, and a friendship that dates back before her gayness surfaced, there is nothing for us to discuss on this subject.  We are each unmovable on our viewpoints.

My concern is how do we show unconditional love?  isn't it scary to have someone tell you that you cannot invite certain people into your own home, when you technically aren't even a member?   How are these 9 children going to learn about and be strengthened by full time missionaries if they can't have them in their home and eat and play games etc.  Wouldn't it strengthen the children to be taught by the Missionaries?

Both of these women are well aware of the Family Proclamation.  It wouldn't be new to them to sit and hear it be taught in a RS lesson.  Yes, it would be a challenge for the teacher and maybe some class members would squirm and feel uneasy but couldn't it also be such a thing that the teacher might think she could "reach them" and "help them"?  also...don't we have to figure out how we will conduct ourselves in a like situation?  I think so.

This is all such uncharted territory and I'm sure it's awkward and uncomfortable for all concerned.  I personally would not go to a Church that felt I was a sinner and doomed.  Church to me is my worship haven.  I would simply go elsewhere.   They stay because they believe the Church is true.  I know.  I know.  But that is not our area to wade into.  our little arena is to be kind and show forth unconditional love.   

Anyhow it just made me so sad on so many levels.  I probably need to repent for feeling the Bishop was unkind and overstepped a boundary.

Tell you what...I'll go think about repenting and you can take a minute and read these two little articles that were in the Salt Lake Tribune after Aprils General Conference.  Many were upset by the Conference focusing on traditional marriage, which is a mainstay of our religion, and spoke out.

********************** 

A few weeks after officials from the LDS Church and Utah's gay-rights community jointly celebrated the passage of an anti-discrimination law with religious freedom protections, the two sides once again are critiquing each other.

On Saturday, Mormon apostle L. Tom Perry, 92, defended "traditional families" — a legally married mother and father, who rear their children together — and warned against the dangers of "counterfeit and alternative lifestyles."

On Wednesday, the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil-rights organization, expressed "deep disappointment" in Perry's comments, which it believes "disparag[ed] LGBT families and children as 'counterfeit.' "

and (below is written by a gay LDS man)

A few words about something that was said during the Saturday morning session of General Conference.

I grew up in Spokane, Wash. Living so close to the Canadian border, I frequently came across the random Canadian penny or dime. As a child, I learned that they were easily used to pay at the cashier but they were rejected outright by vending machines.

You see, those Canadian coins weren't counterfeit. They're just foreign. The cashiers knew the difference … but machines did not. And what separates the cashier from the machine is experience — and the willingness to learn from it. The cashiers knew that the coins were valued the same as their U.S. equivalents by their customers.  LGBT Mormons, I would hope we understand how vital it is to live our lives out loud. It's my hope that our lives might bear testimony to our friends, neighbors and leaders of our lasting and inherent value — bear testimony that our lives and loves are simply foreign … not counterfeit.

We've come so far and have so far to go. Legislation like SB296 helps, but the heavy lifting will be done in our wards and in our neighborhoods. It's hard to hate someone you actually know.

D. Christian Harrison

Salt Lake City

life settled down...

So I finished dealing with the things in my life that were sort of bubbling over.  We all know that life is not a breeze and is challenging... Terry was having a tough time with pain and I was trying to figure out how to take on more and what to eliminate.  A friend came by to visit and she missed the Shasta Daisies by the tree.  I told her they had gotten spindly and the grass crept in and overtook them and finally they were just pulled out.  She wondered when I'd plant more and I told her I wasn't going to.  It's that sort of thing...pulling up the daisies before we start pushing up the daisies and streamlining life to where we take time to smell the roses!  I bought some sort of fake chips to spread around the tree and that will eliminate weeds and look okay.  Actually I wanted more grey pebbles but I think I'll have an easier time with bags of chips.  So just trying to simplify things and that means eliminating some things.

I had mentioned previously Hubby. Son. Sister. Friend.  Feeling the need to figure out how to deal with and handle things better.  So Hubby and his health are okay.  Okay as far as me handling changes.  A very simple example.  We are still planning that road trip so our son went with me to the Toyota service center to make sure the car was road worthy of my race car driving.  The fellow was explaining the filters etc. and then he said...all 4 tires need to be replaced.  Whether you buy them here or some place else, they need to be changed right away.  Especially the back tires.  Our son was stunned.  Sure enough practically no thread on the tires.  I said out loud...I miss your Dad!  When we got home and told him about the tires, he felt so bad.  Here I thought you were safe going to the Temple and it really bothered him.  I'm just so used to him doing that car maintenance for 50+years and me, never giving it a thought.  So is our son used to that.  Anyhow, it's that sort of adapting and regrouping to where our life is pleasant and easy peasy is my challenge.  So each May from now on...the car goes in for it's annual physical!

Our son.  He has been sick plus he has diabetes plus he suffers pain 24/7 from 2 failed back surgeries.  Things just got a bit out of hand but he is feeling better and fixing his health problem.  He is always working on his diet and that is moving along.  so his situation has actually leveled out and that makes it nice. 

I've learned that our lives take on routines and we get used to them, it's familiar to deal with our way of living, and when a curve ball swerves in, it catches us off guard.  So often I have found myself fully expecting everything to return to normal.  I realize more and more that this is our NewNormal and just like new shoes that don't feel real comfy, until they are broken in and we get used to them...so is adapting to our NewNormal.

My sister.  Dixie is sick.  They are just doing tests right now to find out where the disease is possibly stemming from.  She has Interstitial Lung Disease.  I know.  Me too.  I'd never heard of it.  It's a progressive disease.  After all the tests are run the Dr.s will outline her treatment.  As you know, she is my only sibling.  2.5 years younger than me.  She joined the Church a few weeks after me.  She has the firmest testimony of tithing and each year she goes in for tithing settlement to make sure the Bishop got her checks.  He is always stunned because she pays to the nickel and wants to make sure it's on her record as she totally 100% believes in tithing.  He is stunned because she is totally inactive and is a puzzle to each Bishop she's ever had.  She also believes in Priesthood blessings but has just a few men that she will allow to give her a blessing.  She reads and pores over them and doesn't always follow the exact counsel but she still has faith in the promises.  so those are the two gospel points that she embraces.  Nothing else!  Don't ask me!  okay?  That being said...she is very sick but she has faith that she will be made whole after a battle of enduring treatment that will make her even sicker.  She knows she will eventually be healed because of that blessing.  When I went to the Temple I prayed for her and I requested that Mother and Daddy might be her angels to help her through this.  I'm sure they have that heavenly assignment but I decided to ask for it.  just for good measure.

My friend.  A friend from Alaska (now in Idaho) has a 57 year old daughter (in WA) that got sick.  They found cancer, hoped it would be in the liver and not the bile duct.  It was Bile Duct Cancer.  I'm with you.  never heard of it before.  A fatal cancer.  she died Friday.  6 weeks from the day she found out.  Her husband is Bishop and you can imagine the heartache and loss of all of them...one so vibrant and alive and to me...very young.  I really thought about the fact that we all need to love and enjoy and be good to each other in our family and in the Church every single day.  You just never know when things are over without warning.

So those are things that took my time and occupied my mind and now I've shared with you!  and the beat goes on!

We finished all of the GC talks!  Listening with a fresh mind has been so uplifting and exhilarating.  We would listen to two short talks or one long talk.  talks range from 10 minutes to 18 to 20.  Amazing the power in such few words.  we were buoyed each time.  so now back to 1971.  I checked and we watched 36 talks and enjoyed every single one.

I believe in Prophets and Apostles and know what they say is true.  It's like the purest nectar to sip.  Soul restoring.  I cannot ever get enough of it.  It feels so good going down into my heart.  I love feeling it click in my mind, as some ray of light dawns and brings understanding to me or comfort or hope or counsel....Words of such tenderness-- tears unbidden spring up, only to gently quietly spill over.  The elixir of my life?....General Conference talks!!

Mortality....

Life has filled my plate up for a bit.  Hubby, Son, Sister, Friend...all are being challenged.  Figuring out how to balance the load on my head like I see some of those women do!!  balance and walk!    Will do some sorting and figuring things out and be back here on the 20th to share and talk.  How about you?

Will be at the high-school play each night the rest of this week!  Rest of time...I'm going to retreat and regroup!  Wednesday...I'll be here.

True stalwarts....

Did you listen/see this???  Marvelous!!  Great conversation!!  Enjoy!  It's so good! here

Yes.....

What a wonderful week!  Actually started on May 1st.  A friend dropped a purple mason jar by filled with flowers.  Sort of jampacked and just gorgeous.  Just to wish me Happy May Day!

Then my birthday and a planter bowl with petunias for the porch arrived!  Then a basket filled with flowers and fresh eggs...then some big gorgeous pink day lilies that smelled of heaven!...then a smaller  day lily- ivory with purple tint edges...then a beautiful pink rose corsage (a tradition that our youngest son always sends)...then 2 dozen yellow roses tinged with rose!  Breathtaking!! 

I took some pictures for you to see!  They are much more lovely in real life but I wanted you to see the bounty!!  So I gathered them and put them on the table just for you!

I hope you get the feel of how beautiful it all was...Plus I got phone calls and cards and love notes and it was just love wafting through the air and I was breathing deep.  I hope your day was terrific also!

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The Temple session on Saturday was beautiful.  It was in Spanish which I was not prepared for.  They had headsets but I opted to read what was shown on the wall.  That was such a nice experience!  I was blessed with peace, calm, reassurance, renewed faith & hope & confidence.  I feel so wonderful within.  The feeling like you went on a trip somewhere-- so relaxing and peaceful-- that you just soaked it up and cherished the experience and then relive and recapture that feeling when you get home.  Oh, yes...I'm a fan of Temples....re-wording...a fan of Temple attendance.  

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My Laurel girls are talented in their own individual ways.  Sophie, is really into drama (so you know I'm a fan already!).  She is Mary Poppins in the high-school production of the same name.  I went opening night and found myself teary at the end.  

It was such a fantastic production on all levels...costumes & choreography & singing and all those awesome things...plus it was a huge cast and they were all so on cue and marvelous.  But Sophie stole the show.  She became Mary Poppins!!  

I was so happy for her and hearing her beautiful voice and seeing her dance and be so in character every minute and dressed to the nines- I just got verklempt, with tears streaming down my round cheeks, as I jumped to my feet for a standing ovation.  

Her Mother, who knows I detest having my picture taken/posted, reassured me it was private and she wouldn't FB it.  I actually like this picture because I remember the tears and the love I have for this young woman and how happy I am for her!!  this captured a bit of my heart! 

Me teary over Mary Poppins! 

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Verklempt - choked with emotion (German verklemmt = emotionally inhibited in a convulsive way) 
This is not FAKE Yiddish - unless you are one of the linguists who consider Yiddish a "fake", i.e. non-transformational language.

OY, vey. When that schmuck of a doctor told me I had cancer I got all verklempt.

what a great day!

Last year I really partied hardy and had a busy birthday.  This year, so much going on in our life, feeling sort of the need and want to stay home, and that is how it turned out!  I contacted my- savvy on social media- daughter and said... Honey, please don't put on FB that it is my birthday.  I just wanted things more quiet and she obliged.

It was the perfect day.  On all counts.  I heard from friends and received flowers and cards and eggs and cookies and someone left a planter on the porch table and a balloon.  now here is where I was going to post the pictures of the beauty of them and now I don't see the camera cord.  I'll do it tomorrow.  I so appreciated visiting and marveled again at how powerful kindness and love are.  This last year, I don't feel that I gave service.  I just received love and kindness on so many levels.

Dinner was delish and made all the better as Kipper was feeling good and we shared the meal.  Played 5 Crowns afterwards and just visited and talked.

We are going on that road trip but because of health things and to much to do to get ready... we will now leave a little later.  June 4th.  I did get nervous hearing about the weather in Hurricane Alley, where are son lives in KS.  I definitely am not a storm chaser!

Last year I packed enough to last the entire time and got it all into 2 suitcases.  One really big one and then a medium one. both heavy...our son lifted them into the trunk for me.  Didn't dawn on me until the first time I tried to lift the suitcase out of the trunk at the hotel- and couldn't!- that I needed to rethink things.  This year I will pack small bags with clothes, for the two of us, for each day.  I have lots of perfect size bags and it will work out fantastic!  By the time we get to KS, I'll just haul in the laundry and start over again!  Last year I'd open the suitcases in the trunk and take out what I needed and go first class and put them in whatever grocery bags I had stashed in the trunk!  When we got to KS our Grandson carried both suitcases in but the small bags are my choice this year!  I'll be sure and take a picture of my packed trunk with pazillion bags!

So the gift I'm giving myself for my birthday is...#1-taking care of my health in a real way.  actually doing something and not just star-wishing it to magically happen.  at this stage in my life, I need to be as strong and healthy as possible physically, and thus I gifted myself with that ambitious undertaking! Yes...feel free to applaud!   The second gift is- granting myself permission to spruce up the house, with whatever needs to be done to make it spiffier.  so two great things to work towards and enjoy the process.  I seem to always just put everything out there, don't I?  but...it's okay.  goals and plans are the only way things get accomplished.

Thank you for being you!

We only have Sunday afternoon of GC left!  Today we talked about going back to our 1971 goal and finish April and then move on for 6 months and then re-listen when Oct. conference comes around.  Such powerful words!!  I can feel the power and know what they say is true.

I'll find that cord for my camera and post pictures of my flowers tomorrow.  beautiful!!!

My special day!

My birthday.  Today.  76!   Seeing that number it looks like a lot but really, it doesn't feel like a lot.  Lot...like a lot of years.  Saying it, 76 years old, it sounds like a lot and yet it doesn't feel like a lot.  Aging is such an interesting process.  Because I am in relatively good health (except for there being way to much of me!), maybe that is why I don't feel old. I am thinking aging is okay.

There are so many things that I see that I didn't grasp when I was younger.  One of the main things that continues to impress me, is the fact, we all have to learn the same thing in mortal life.  Especially in our Gospel lives.  We all have to learn how to access our Father in Heaven through prayer.  To learn how to pray and get answers.  We all have to learn doctrinal detailed basics... how to repent and make it last and not keep reopening those cans of worms...how to use the Atonement in all of life situations.  We have to learn to access/recognize the personal communication methods when the Holy Ghost speaks to us (that amazing gift we freely are given!!  freely!!)We have to learn to not judge and realize-- we are as common as the people around us and surrounding us and we are all okay.  We have to learn to forgive.  We have to fall in love with the fact of the Heavens being opened and the joint amazing fact that Christ speaks to our General Leaders...this leads us to a natural addiction to General Conference! We have to learn to love unconditionally.  We have to understand faith & Peter walking/sinking on the water.  We have to go to the Temple so often that we begin to feel the blessings given us and can recognize them.  Oh, did I mention--enjoying paying tithing?  We have to learn to do our Church callings and realize others will someday do that same calling, with their own twist on the details, and none of us are so unique to be the only one that knows how to do the specifics of any calling.  We can all do everything and it's all good enough.  We have to learn about Christ and develop such a closeness to Him that we never ever feel no one cares because in our learning we understand--He is always there and He knows how to comfort us.  And He will.  He does.  He cares for each of us.

And the list can go on and on.  We are all loved and we need to all love each other.

Happy Birthday to myself.  Good job self for hanging in there...for enduring and learning and growing in testimony and living 76 years.  Too many candles to set on fire!!

I'm thinking to treat myself to a Temple session.  Terry wants me to go.  He says he needs the blessing of me going!  Vicarious work for the living????

copy and save...

These my two favorite quotes about the Holy Ghost.  The one by Parley P. Pratt is outstanding.  I remember the first time I heard it that my jaw dropped.  I was stunned at the gifts he described.  I'm so glad I have these two gems and can share them with you. 

I want to experience the Holy Ghost fully.  Don't you?  I assume we all do.  What marvelous experiences we can have as we exercise faith and learn how to invite the fullness of this power, this fantastic gift, freely given, just because we chose to be baptized.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and I appreciate this marvelous gift that is mine to use and magnify and enjoy or just let it fade away into silence.

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Elder LeGrand Richards, describing the gift of the Holy Ghost, said:

“To me, the gift of the Holy Ghost is as important to man as sunshine and water are to the plants. You take them away, and the plants would die. You take the Holy Ghost out of this Church, and this Church would not be any different than any other church. And it is manifest in so many ways in the lives and the devotion of the members of the Church” (“The Gift of the Holy Ghost,”Ensign, Nov. 1979, 76).

AND

Parley P. Pratt gave us a vision of what the gift of the Holy Ghost could mean to us when he said:

“The gift of the Holy Ghost … quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections; and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings, and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness, and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation, and social feeling. It invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being” (Key to the Science of Theology, 9th ed. [1965], 101).

our life...

So here I sit.  My favorite spot in my house...my always cluttery office.  I love it anyhow!!!  At this point it's late at night and I'm thinking of the worth of 20 minutes a day to feed one's soul.  Lots of life happening around here right now and the one steady wonderful beautiful sustaining spot is-- Hubby and I absorbing those revelatory Conference talks.  We have found that we really don't feel satisfied with one short talk...we want two.

The 12 speak 20 minutes each.  all the others are allotted 10 minutes and they speak one after the other so you don't have to search for another short one.  Actually we wouldn't search anyhow.  We made that decision to listen to one after the other.

At this point we have two talks left from Sunday morning and then Sunday afternoon completes our goal and we have listened and reveled in every single one.

In addition to reading Elder Packers out-loud,  we also found one that the Prophet did was difficult to understand as his speech sort of faded off at the end of each sentence.

When we skipped from our 1971 Conference talk to 2015, we sort of thought we'd go back to 1971.  Maybe we will go to 2014?  Jury still out on that one.

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Health happenings...our son is so much improved and we are thankful for that!  Terry is doing okay.  I'm hanging in there and focusing on the 3 of us.  So with Kipper on the mend and Terry okay, I decided to take us on a road trip.  Again!!  Kip will be back to full independence in 2-3 days.  Terry can just relax and sit in the car and I will drive!  Terry is surprised that I am willing to drive it again.  It being the circuit we did last year!

Last year we did two trips.  This year we will do one biggie.  Eagle to Wamego to Bountiful to Ely to Carson City and home.  Medford got canceled after Carson City stop, as my friend Pat will have already headed to Homer to summer there.

Two of our sons have moved into new homes so we will see those.  Get to see our Granddaughter's first apartment.  Celebrate a birthday with one of our Granddaughters.  Get to see 2 grandsons in a production of Beauty and the Beast.  See my sister.  Bonus-get to see my little BFF Lydia that has moved to Ely with her family.

I think that is all we can handle this year travel-wise!

Speaking of being a wise traveler.  The play we are going to see is on a Saturday evening.  So I planned we would arrive Saturday morning.  Then I had a flashback of the tradition of Terry always getting us lost, for a full day!, so we will arrive on Friday, maybe even Thursday to just make sure we don't miss it.  He says that is not going to happen.  Truth be told...I don't remember it ever not happening.  It always happens!  Love him anyhow.  We will not fuss over the route.  I will take the higher road, which will be- going along with his certain to be lost again route.  It's strange that we get lost even with a GPS.  Maybe it's not current or something?

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Feast on those GC talks!!  there is something so powerful about a carefully prayerfully spirit-guided inspirational talk.  ending it with a powerful testimony.  it just fills you to the brim.  they are so sharp and clear and motivating.  You know I'm a General Conference nut and listening everyday together is just magical!!

Thinking of Mothers...

(I'm thinking I'm going to delete this.  I posted this last night and this morning when I woke up, I was thinking this is sort of strange in presentation and not something that occupies my thoughts in wondering.  I was impressed with the fact that we have a plan of life.  The plan of happiness.  the Plan of families. I'll leave it a bit longer and maybe deep six it later)

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I just accidentally deleted a wonderful quote about Mothers!!  I am so disappointed.  so I'll print the one below.

I know this is very different but a friend put it on her FB and for some reason it really made me think about life and all that we know about the purpose of life and how blessed we are.  I'm just thinking about the marvelous people that women are.  Maybe because it's getting close to Mothers Day? 

 

In a mother’s womb were two babies. One asked the other:
“Do you believe in life after delivery?” The other replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”
The second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we can’t understand now.”
The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”
The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”
The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”
The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”
The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”
Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”
To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can hear Her loving voice, calling down from above.”